Happy/terrified

[Wolfsnake]

Hi everyone,

I am in a quandary right now. I just went to my doctor today, and got my prescription for T. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. All I have to do now is fill the prescription and drop in to the clinic anytime so the nurse can demonstrate injection technique and give me my first shot.

I'm so happy. And I'm so terrified. So much so that I'm putting off filling out my scrip and seeing the nurse.

If I was living on my own, I'd be kinda scared, yes, but not scared enough to avoid starting on T, which I've been looking forward to for months. In fact, the prospect of being able to go on T has stopped my suicidal thoughts completely. Right now, though, I'm stuck living with my parents. Long story short, I got a biology degree and couldn't find work for a year, so I moved in with them and went back to school for vocational training. I'll be done in 8 months. In the meantime, I really, really want to get my transition started. Except my dad doesn't know I'm trans, and is homophobic and conservative. He started doing things like dabbing down furniture I'd sat in with holy water after I told him I was Pagan. I don't know if he's transphobic but it wouldn't come as a surprise. My mom knows I'm trans and is trying to be supportive, but is very uncomfortable about the idea of HRT. I am almost entirely dependent on them for food, gas money, and everything else.

My dad is, fortunately, exceedingly unobservant. He lives in his own little world and doesn't much notice mine. As an example, I managed to hide the fact that I was sexually active with my boyfriend for six years. Six years, including sleepovers he was aware of. So I wonder if he'll ever even notice I look more masculine. I've been dressing tomboyishly and been "one of the guys" my whole life (and he suspects I'm a lesbian) so acting butch does not seem to surprise him at all. 

I'm wondering if I should just suck it up and wait eight months. Or if the changes will be slow enough that I can get away with it while I'm here, maybe I should go ahead and go on T, and get a head start on transition.

Bleh. This is so confusing. I know none of you really know the full situation, but I'd appreciate advice, or hearing your experiences hiding from housemates/family.

[Robert Scott]

It all depends on your dosage cycle.  Some physicians slowly build up your T as if you were going through puberty and some start you at the normal dosage range.   Everybody reacts differently ... but if you do the slow progressive that mirrors T then you stand a better chance.  It's a crap shoot though -- so folks drop their voices fairly quickly and some it takes a couple years.   The other stuff I believe is gradual enough that you could hide it easily.

[Sharky]

Congrats on getting T.

I would just start T and if I couldn't handle the changes I would lower the dose or stop taking it. You can always restart in the future.

I will be in a similar boat soon. First appointment to start is about 3 weeks away. I live with family and I'm not telling them. I know they wont kick me out though.

[Dominick_81]

It depends on the person. Changes have come really slow for me I've noticed. People who don't know I'm trans don't even notice anything different about me, not even people in my family have notice changes. My mom says I've changed but I can't seem to see it.  I've only had 3 people comment on my voice change b/c they weren't around me to hear my voice gradually change, and other people in my family won't say anything even if they have notice changes.

Congrats on the T.

[Wolfsnake]

Update!

i started on T this Friday. I spent the whole day cleaning, which is what I do when I'm trying to avoid important things, then eventually convinced myself to drive to the hospital in the afternoon. Once there, I spent 2 hours waiting in line at the pharmacy and the nurse's office to get my first shot, during which time I variously stressed out, became paranoid, and nearly bailed. In the end, though, I got the shot, stressed out some more about how I was going to keep all this hidden, cried on my bf's shoulder for a bit, and then eventually felt very good about myself. Just to clarify, I'm not scared about what the T will do to me. I want the effects more than just about anything. I'm just scared of the social/family repercussions of transition.

Now I'm content. I'm really doing this. I feel better about my future than I can ever remember feeling.

Thanks for the advice and support.