So we just returned from our vacation.
I went full time while we were away and while at times I was uncomfortable (bathrooms) most of the time it was so awesome.
Oregon has some of the nicest down to earth people I have ever met.
Now I am back in Nevada and I am all teetered and tottered.
I just want to be me.
Work is scary, although everyone thinks I am gay, I still dont know what will happen if and when I come out.
It has to be obvious, Ive lost 60 pounds, Im growing my hair out and you can see the make up on my face.
I want to move to portland so bad, but I dont know if it will be hard for me to get work as a trans girl. I am extremely skilled at what I do, but sometimes I think that comes second.
Then there is my benefits, specifically the health insurance.
Also 40/hr is hard to walk away from.
I get so depressed minute by minute. Some minutes I think I will have everything my soul desires, and others it feels as if karma from my drug addict days is going to cause me to sufffer till i die.
I just live now for the day when I hear someone say ma'am or miss.
Then there is my amazing spouse.
I dont know how it was possible that I wound up with the greatest person in the world.
In fact she seems way to good to be true.
I am scared of being alone, as well as hurting her.
I already sole her husband, who was the greatest man she ever met, and now I am dragging her through my murkiness.
Thank god she is stronger than me.
Everyone including her thinks I am going to kill myself.
So that ->-bleeped-<-s with my pre existing trust issues and it makes it very hard for me to believe anyone.
I feel as though everything being done and/or said is to keep me happy so I dont die.
I should be grateful that everyone cares so much, but I dont know what I want
Then there is my family who ignores my wife and insists that I accept the way they are accepting me.
I didnt get invited to my sisters bridal shower because I am not a girl yet
they will not use the proper pro nouns
they dont want to hear much about my life
they blame my spouse for this
whats strange though is they havent even talked to my spouse one on one to see her perspective.
I honestly feel like they are just going through the motions to save face so they can say they were accepting.
I know no one has the answers. Im just scared. I want to run away but I dont know from where and where too.
I am being strong, I promise. Im trying so hard to be patient. I am happy with a lot of my body. I feel so alone. Its even hard to talk with my therapist because I feel like I cant trust anyone.
I am trying so hard to have faith in people, but my brain seems to take over and question everything. motivations, tone, body language....
anyways. I want to go back on vacation
