New Girl In Town

[kylie clark]

I just wanted to take a moment to introduce myself.  I am Kylie.  I am 34 y/o and from mid-Missouri. I am currently married and a father of 2 young children.  I have always felt like I was different.  I have had gender issues as long as I remember.  That being said, If you met me today, I would come across as a "regular guy".  I have crumbled to peer pressure on multiple occasions when it comes to a transition to female.  When I was in college, I sought therapy and it was going well, but I couldn't afford to proceed and when I met my current wife, I tried to suppress my feelings.   I have gone to SCC in the past and I had a great time and felt accepted as myself.  Prior to having our first kid, I was in a deep rut.  I was unable to suppress my feelings any longer and I began taking hormones again (not prescribed).  When my wife became pregnant, I felt like i needed to focus on being a parent.  I have tried to put gender issues behind me.  I am having the hardest time suppressing the feelings i have.  I am supposed to be a girl. I know this in my heart.  I have never really been into cross dressing, for me it is more about my body and social role.  I am looking to this board and community for support either direction I take.  If there a re other girls with similar stories, I would love to hear from you and learn how you are or have dealt with these issues.

kylie_clarkts@yahoo.com

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Kylie,
Welcome to the best place in town. All I can say at the moment is, you need a hug.
There are some 8200 wonderful people here I've been told, so consider yourself hugged. And if you need more - just ask.
Now for the good news. You have no choice. Only management issues (wife/children), nobody else (friends/etc) at the moment. Sorry to say, you can't go "either direction". Water only flows down hill. You've already experienced denial and from what you've said, it's no longer an option. Denial is tantamount to death. The only difference is you hang round for 60 odd years making life miserable for yourself and everyone around you.
The only way you are going to survive is to accept Kylie (meaning - narrow land. You'd know better than me on that meaning) for who she is, and then work on your management issues prior to your transition. Anything else is a waste of time, money and resources.
I apologise if I appear to be a bit hard nosed about this. I'm a bit more than 34 and have a wife and 3 kids and have wasted a lot of time, money and resources kidding everyone, including myself.
From what you've said, it appears you were always destined to be a woman. And given the right opportunity I believe you would make an exceptional one. What you have to understand is, you are, by virtue of brain gender, a woman operating in a mans role. That simply just doesn't work. I've tried it and I failed!
Being a parent, I think you have to ask yourself, what type of role model do I want to present to my children; a fake "regular guy" (whatever that is) or the woman I was destined to be. Your children are still young enough to adapt, providing they are given the opportunity.
At 34, there is still time to make a life for yourself and everyone around you. Leave it to later and it becomes exponentially harder on yourself and everyone else. You already appreciate this is one heck of a rollercoaster ride.
Start next Monday with an appointment with a counsellor and between now and then, have an enormous bloody big HUG. Let us know how you are coping, and keep in touch.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[kylie clark]

Thanks for the reply.  I know you are right.  I am constantly thinking about it to the point I have neglected friends, work, family etc..  I am really scared to hurt the people that love me.  I am not comfortable with my body, mind and I know it has to change.  I will take your advice on the therapy issue.  therapy never hurt anyone, right!  I really appreciate the concerns and HUG!

[Devlyn]

Hi Kylie, welcome to Susans! I'm 49, and live near Boston. It's nice to have you join us, jump right in and start posting! Hugs, Tracey

[kylie clark]

Thanks Tracey.  So far everyone has been great here!

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Kylie,
It's good to hear from you, and know you are surviving relatively well, given the circumstances. Yes; this journey can take you out of the 'loop' to the inclusion of yourself. But this is for a good purpose. If this wasn't happening, you'd still be in denial, and that's not an option. The only thing I'd say here is, make sure you are getting proper, restful sleep. In fact, the better physical condition you are in, the better you will survive the journey. The more active endorphins you have the better the process.
I know you're REALLY SCARED to hurt the people who love you. But in the cold light of day, who do these people love? In reality, it's this mythical "regular guy", that you present to the world. And at some point in your journey, you will have to witness and grieve his death. At this point the euphoric elation and freedom experienced is often beyond description. And doesn't it show.
It's therefore important for those that love this 'grub', be drawn into the journey, and understand how the 'grub' was made, so they can enjoy the astonishment when the 'butterfly' is released.
I assume the part of your body that you are not comfortable with is your male presentation. That is totally natural and fully understandable. Just imagine if your wife had what you have. Would she be comfortable with her body? As far as your mind goes, I think it's the "regular guy" bit that's upsetting the apple cart. Apart from that, it's in good order and condition.
And yes; you are correct. Therapy has never hurt anyone yet. Just make sure they are a good gender therapist. Let us know how you are coping and keep in touch. And don't worry, those hugs just keep on coming. Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[Vanora]

Kylie,

Welcome to Susan's! I believe there are lots of people here with similar stories and who have children already.

Hugs,

Vanora

[Ember]

Hi Kylie!   

I heard something last night that may help.  It was part of a commencement speech Steve Jobs gave in June 2005. 

"Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown our your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs

I believe our physical bodies are the most obvious, and least significant, part of us.  It's our inner self that causes us to be and we all have the right to be who we really are.

Hugs!

Ember

[R3i]

hiya, welcome kylie

[kylie clark]

Thanks for all of the encouragement.

[Lynn]

Welcome Kylie! Here's another hug from me as well!

When I came out to my mom, she told me "what I don't get, is why you've been waiting this long with coming out!", and I'm only 23. So it's definitely a good time for you to try and make sense of everything, to no longer try to run and reject your true self just for the sake of society. I've done this for my 23 years of living, and I already couldn't handle anymore ... so I can only imagine what it must feel like for you.

*hugs*

[Jen61]

Hi, New Girl in Town Kylie,

It is F.... hard, pardon my french. I could not transition early because monies, then there was the career, then the wife and kids. In my case, always making an excuse, as deep down i was terrified of transitioning. At the same time all the suffering. A few years ago the wife abandon me with 6 kids. I started to be me, and I am on my journey, things are better. Kids and house and job still with me, a pair of "girls" are budding. I am finally happy and at peace.

Be truthful to your self, courage, Hugs,

Jen61

[RachaelAnn22]

Welcome Kylie,it's nice to meet you.Hugs,Rachael.

[Valeriedoeswcs]

Hi Kylie, Welcome to Susans.

I had very similar views of myself, you are not alone. I knew I was supposed to be a girl so I undertook that journey and it was the best thing I ever did.

Good luck on your path. I look forward to discussing these things with you on the forums. If I can be of any help, let me know.