Help Me Understand This Please

[confusedmom]

My son, who is 19 years old, became friends with a person who just turned 51 years old and who says is having MtF surgery.  "She" (sorry, I'm still trying to adjust here) says that she is in love with my son and is telling everyone they are sexually active. 

First let me say that I really dont know a lot about gender reassignment surgery, who is considered to be a candidate, are there age restrictions, mental health restrictions, what is the process, etc.

Second, I'm here on this forum because I'm worried for my son. Please do not get me wrong. I understand the difference between Transgender and Gay. And with that said, I am sympathetic to people who feel they need to be one or the other in gender. I am trying to understand this.  BUT.... I'm terribly worried with the situation my son has found himself in.

Let me explain.

As I said, she is 51 (just barely). She has been taking Premarin for about a month now. However, she is also a paranoid schizophrenic and has stopped taking her medications for that.  My son is never alone. She is chronically glued to his hip.  She claims to be getting the surgery here in two weeks, and refuses to talk to me about this subject generally. And, when she does, the information she gives is different each time.

With that said, my son is 19 years old and struggling with his own sexual preferences right now.  I am aware of (in the last 24 hours only by my son) that she has performed oral sex on him a few times now. However, I know that if he even looks at a female, she goes off the deep end - to the point that in the last four months, I cannot even have a visit from my son without her being right there; regardless of my request for some Mom / Son time.

Is this normal? Is it right for me to be concerned to the degree that I am or have I blown this all out of proportion.  I want my son to decide his sexuality for himself. I don't want him being confused by someone who is coming off as controlling, or someone who is struggling with mental health issues that are aside from the desire to be a woman physically. 

I love my son dearly and I want to be supportive, but right now I am not seeing anything healthy about what is going on and I dont know enough about the whole process to have surgery to become a woman to clearly see this I feel.  However, not being given the opportunities to talk with him privately because she will not let him out of her sight is not helping my fears and apprehensions.

Would someone PLEASE explain all of this to me in a simple way so I can understand this and give me some advice please.

Thank you.

[Renate]

Hi.

This all sounds crazy. There are so many warning signs.

A 19 year-old and a 51 year-old would have some justifying to do in any case.

One month of hormones is not even dipping your toe in the water, it's not a realistic test of anything.
Surgeons generally do not operate without two letters of recommendation from therapists.
Moreover, they require one year of sanely living in your target gender.

Gender identity dysphoria can coexist with other problems (like schizophrenia) but those must be under control.

They jealousy and possessiveness is a serious warning sign.

I think it will be difficult to pry your son loose and trying will only put you in a bad adversarial position.
Maybe you can get him to speak with a friend or a therapist and realize the situation that he is in.

Good luck.

[confusedmom]

Hi Renate,

Thank you for responding.

I'm trying very hard to not put myself in that adversarial position.  My head is just spinning.  I tell him and text him all the time and let him know that I love him and will always be here for him in every way, but it doesn't feel like enough. 

You're very right about the warning signs.  That is what has me so concerned.  This "friend" told me that she doesn't take her schizophrenia medication "Risperdal" (not certain if I spelled that correctly or not) because it conflicts with the Premarin.  All I do know for certain is that her moods are not "stable". They are all over the scale.

My son doesn't have medical insurance right now which is a big issue, but I do know that a recent trip to the ER because of increasing "stomach" pain isn't helping him any. The ER doc told him at that time to reduce his stress, along with other things.  I was able to get my son to agree to go to the ER but she was right there.  The hospital did nothing when I asked them to have her wait in the waiting room.

Thanks again, I am so grateful that someone else saw the red flags also. I was worried that someone might tell me to "chin up" and let it be.  I realize that he's 19 and legally an adult but he's still my child and if I don't go to bat for him, who would?

I'll keep the situation updated.

[tekla]

Is this normal?

Nope.  And all the warning signs are there.  Monitor this closely because something is seriously out of warp.  You're cutting him slack because he's a boy, but if your 19 year old daughter was involved with a 51 year old man, I bet you'd see it way different.  Particularly if the guy wouldn't even let her visit her dad w/o having him on guard. 

[Renate]

It doesn't sound like she is doing any of this properly supervised.

People who need to be on Risperdal generally need to be on Risperdal.
I know of no conflict of  Risperdal with estrogens.

It sounds like this situation is taking a toll on your son.
Try not to make your help and support an additional stressor.

[Janet_Girl]

I am reading red flags.  I agree with Renate, that she can not be getting surgery this early.  And if she is schizophrenic and off her meds, that is a warning sign.

Unfortunately, he is over 18 and can make his own choices, for better or worse.  He has to be the one to make the choice to break it off.  All you can do is be there for him when he needs you.

The age difference bothers me some.  But then my daughter is married to a man who is my age (57) and she is 38.

[confusedmom]

Telka, no, I'm not cutting my son slack. I'm proceeding cautiously. And yes, I have a 21 year old daughter. My outlook with her is just as protective. My youngest daughter is 18.  As for my children's father... he is irrelevant as he is not in their lives. Never has been. I've raised my children solely. And aside from this situation, our lives have been pretty smooth.  So I guess I did something right at some point.  However, there is a difference between cutting someone slack and not totally alienating them and having it turn to where you are the enemy. I posted for advice as I've never had to confront this type of situation before. This is not a situation to judge my parenting. I was seeking some advice from other parents or folks as to how to possibly handle this. I came here because as I said in my original post, I really don't know much about the gender surgery other than I know it exists. The only stupid question is the one not asked.

Renate and Irish Janet, yes, again thank you.  Like I said earlier, I'm trying to do my best to help him without stepping in it.  Because he is 19 my hands are tied, unlike when he was little where I could send him to his room or something.  I'm 42.  I do understand the frustration of a girl being with a man that is older, as a friend of the family's daughter married a man that was older than her mother when she was 18 and I was 12.  Gratefully the relationship worked for them. However, that's a rarity I'm sure.

Aside from the mental health issues and the surgery, the age part has me questioning with what she would want with a 19 year old anyway and why she would not spend time with folks her own age. 

[ToriJo]

My wife is significantly older than I am.  But I wasn't 19 when I met her.  The way I explain it to someone is that there is a *TON* of difference between a 5 year old and a 15 year old in maturity, still quite a bit between 15 and 25, a bit between 25 and 35, and some, but not nearly as much between say 35 and 45.  After a point, someone with life experience is someone with life experience.  But I don't know many people who are 19 who have it.  And it sounds like this 51 year old doesn't.

So, if he was 35 and going out with a 60 year old, I wouldn't worry.  Unusual, yes.  But 35 is old enough to know what is in the world and make good choices.  I'd be worried about a 19 year old going out with a 29 year old, since they would - in theory - be quite different maturity-wise.

As for the mental health issues, that is something that he should be taking into consideration.  Another warning sign - not that it can't work still, as a partner with a disability can still be a good partner.  But it sounds like this person hasn't come to terms with their mental state.

What worries me the most is the talk that his mom has heard about his sex life.  It's one thing if you were that open with your son and he talked to you (I suspect you weren't, though - as I can't imagine anything I'd less like to talk to my mom about than my sex life!).  But I don't think it's normal for a woman (or a man for that matter) to let his partner's mom know about their sex.  And it's certainly something a 51 year old knows not to do.

I don't think you can force your son to make a smart choice here, unfortunately.  But let him know you're always there with him - and try to find some sort of way for him to be able to confidentially ask for your help if he needs to quickly get out of a bad situation.  It definitely doesn't sound good to me.

[Wes]

Wow. I have two sons...one is 18 and the other is 20. I would be very very on guard if either of them were dating someone that's in their 50's..no matter if they were transgendered or not. That to me just seems a bit off for many reasons that were mostly stated above. Also, like above poster said...for someone to tell a mother about their sex life with their son, I think personally that that is going over a line and to put it bluntly, rude. I don't even discuss that sort of thing with my 20 yr old son's girlfriend. They keep that in their bedroom and that's where I prefer it unless there are questions of dire need being brought up. (ie. Medical, etc.) And she sounds latchy, to me..and that is another red flag in my opinion. He's still young, he should be out there enjoying his peers...But then, that is just MY opinion..

[Cindy]

Hi confused mum,

I'm in my fifties and would find it very strange to be sexually active with a 19 year old. I'm concerned with the situation as others have pointed put from the age difference, the  possession attitude and failure to keep on medication for a significant mental illness.  The fact the person is claiming that she is TG is fine but if she is self medicating on hormones is another bad sign. Being TG is no indication in itself of being in any way 'odd'. I'm a woman who is undergoing treatment for significant birth defects that made be look physically male, while I am mentally and emotionally female. I think the other woman who have replied would generally agree. I think it would also be true to say that our behaviour as women is much the same as for any women of our age group. In which case dating a 19 year old would be at the extreme end of normal female behaviour (IMO). I really do think some sort on intervention is needed, sorry I'm at a loss at how to proceed. But addressing your original enquires, there is nothing behaviourally strange with TG women.

Hope it works out and do keep in contact.

Cindy

[annette]

Hi Confusedmom

I can't help you to understand because I don't understand.
I can only hope your son open his eyes one day and thinks that this person is bad medicine for him.
Like the others already say, red flags everywhere.
The only thing I can understand is that you are worried about your son.
I think that person is suffering more because of a mental illness than it has something to do with being TG.
IMHO I don't think this is a good situation for your son.

A lot of strength and I cross my fingers for a good outcome at the end.

hugs
Annette

[annette]

Hi Confusedmom

I can't help you to understand because I don't understand.
I can only hope your son open his eyes one day and thinks that this person is bad medicine for him.
Like the others already say, red flags everywhere.
The only thing I can understand is that you are worried about your son.
I think that person is suffering more because of a mental illness than it has something to do with being TG.
IMHO I don't think this is a good situation for your son.

A lot of strength and I cross my fingers for a good outcome at the end.

hugs
Annette

[justmeinoz]

With all the warning bells going off about the mental health issues and non-compliance in taking medication, the fact that they are TG is irrelevant I'd say.

Karen.

[Sage]

With all the warning bells going off about the mental health issues and non-compliance in taking medication, the fact that they are TG is irrelevant I'd say.

Karen.

I must say I agree with this.  Paranoid schizophrenia is a very complex illness that is not something to take lightly; which you're not taking it lightly, of course.  Please keep us updated and let us know how things are doing.  You and your son will be in my prayers.  Good luck.

[Annah]

Confused mom

I am right there with you.

If my son was dating a Paranoid Schizophrenic who isn't taking her medication I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I had an Uncle-ln-law who was Paranoid Schizophrenic who went off his medication. It was certainly a most dreadful time for that family from the things he did. I feel just as sorry for him as I did his family.

Your son is 19. She is 51. She should know better to have a relationship like this.  At the age of 19, your son is just exploring life and his own path. Psychologists say that girls and boys who are 19 and 20 will have completely different thinking processes and life convictions then compared to when they become 28. Your son seems to be exploring his own path of life but I do agree with you; him exploring his future with an unmedicated Paranoid Schizophrenic is not the most ideal setting to explore. And a 51 year old person dating a 19 year old? I am 37 and there is no way in hell I would touch a 19 year old boy. They are nowhere near mature enough for me...which tells me a lot about her maturity. There is nothing wrong with age gaps but a teenager? yeah...that's a line I would not touch.

I'm not Psychologist, but I question her honesty about getting SRS (SRS has no bearing in a relationship, but lying in general may have a bearing in a relationship). If a Trans person is unmedicated with Paranoid Schizophrenia, a Therapist has to be throwing caution to the wind to sign off on SRS papers. I am not saying that because of ethical or moral issues but of a legal one. The Therapist could be liable for approving surgery to a patient who is not taking their medication for a severe mental illness. Also her being on premarin for one month and now having her surgery in two weeks? I will give my college education to bet she is lying to you.

May I suggest having you and your son see a gender therapist so that the therapist can talk to your son about a more healthy relationship? If he wants to date transgender girls then that is his choice, but he can take safer routes in having a relationship with a more stable trans girl. It is like I would have no problem with my son dating a girl....but an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic? No.

Your son should go to more trans functions to get a better idea how trans girls click rather than having all his expectations to be focused on this one girl.

19 and a 51 year old...hmmm... I would be uncomfortable with that regardless of sexual orientation or gender orientation. Throw in untreated paranoid schizophrenia? He is going to have one rocky future if he doesn't branch out soon.

[mimpi]

Confused Mum,

You need to put a stop to it right now. I'm in my fifties and am horrified at the age difference let alone the schizophrenia and the rest. This isn't right for your child and you must deal with it. If he likes transwomen fine, but make sure they're reasonably sane and at his age maybe early thirties or younger. I remember going out with a 28 year old when I was 22 and the age difference was quite something psychologically.

[Annah]

Confused Mum,

You need to put a stop to it right now.

There's one significant problem tho, Mimpi. In the United States, children past the age of 18 has free rights to do whatever they like and the parents cannot get involved (unless he is doing something illegally).  And I'm sure he doesn't live with her so she cannot set up house rules.

It's tragic to see this woman (the girlfriend) taking advantage of a child like this. She knows better.

I'm sure the relationship is purely sexual for him and a power trip for the trans woman. Of course I could be wrong because I do not know them.

[tekla]

It's not the age deal that bothers me near as much as the control freak thing.  In most of the May-December relationships I know of^* one of the best things the younger partner gets tends to be a much greater level of freedom than they would have in a same-age relationship.  They have much greater financial stability then their peers, (and perhaps permanently) and there is also more compartmentalization/or less of a feeling that as a couple you have to do everything together, which allows people to develop independently.  They seem to me to be pretty reasonable and mature relationships from both sides.

But this kind and level of control is dangerous.



*caveat - all of these couples are older men with (much) younger women, I don't personally know of any with older women and younger men.  Maybe that's just the people I know.

[Gadgett]

Ello there,

I felt I needed to chime in with my 2 cents here...

First off my own perspective is pretty much the same as everyone else here. There is NO WAY after a single month that she would be able to have the surgery. I do not know of a single doctor who would perform it nor do I know of any psychologist who would give their letter to have the surgery after a month.  Second, As I understand it, depending on the degree of the paranoid schizophrenia she might be ineligible for such treatment specially if they knew she stopped taking it. *cause of conflicts* Sounds to me like she is doing this solo is she is indeed truely taking hormons at all. It may be a simple thing of telling your son that just to get him to stay.

From my hubbies perspective is that there aren't red flagged, there are red alart alarms ABLAZING!!! He spent 10 years taking care of his mother for mother who had paranoid schizophrenia and which he has no PHD he DOES have experience in dealing with such. Unfortunately he says there isn't anything you can do legally. But people like that CAN be very dangerous. He explained that even if you can talk to them and get logic responses from them and get them to see your point of view, by that afternoon they forgot everything they agreed with and they can be very violent. Even with his mother on her medication he still feared for his belongings, not knowing if he would come home and find everything destroyed, to even fearing for his life.

Yes your son is 19 and considered an adult but in our opinion he is too young to deal with someone to the type of the degree that someone with that kinda condition is in. He's still young and has a lot of life before him and needs to get out of that situation. My hubby said he may want to but is scared and not know HOW. people with paranoid schizophrenia do tend to be threatening, violent, and in some cases can even be murderous. They can be stalkers and because of the mental situation your legal rights are extremely limited until she actually does something.

I always try to end my bad news posts with something positive so I would just remind you to let your son know you will be beside him no matter what , in which you stated you have* and be ready to weather a storm in which may require moving in order to resolve.