Just got into a fight with my girlfriend..

[JPurcell]

So. First off, I have to say that she's known about me wanting to transition for at least 6 months. We've talked on and off about it, and most of the time she tries to change the subject, or says something like "i dont know if youre ready for this."

Today I was going to start using the boys bathroom, which i have been nervous about for a long time and have been hesitant about doing so. I told her about it this morning before our first class, and she said "I dont know if you should do that." and i explained to her how hard it was for me to go in to the girls bathroom and how stressful it was just thinking about it.

So during our next class she starts talking about it again. She told me that since I havent told my family, i am not ready for it. She said that I dont know how much I am going to change, or how much it will affect her. She emphasized on herself, and how her family will be unaccepting. She told me that she doesnt think she could date a guy because she is a lesbian.  I told her that I did not have this idea out of nowhere, and that she did not need a label, and that if she really loved me, she would look past it and not care what people thought.

We have been together since May '10. I dont know what to think or do. I have accepted every aspect of her and have supported her. However, she is very selfish and tells me I dont understand things like her diabetes. She thinks I am ignorant about things and basically calls me stupid. I really love her, but I dont see how I can possibly be with someone who cant even grasp the concept of me using the guys bathroom, let alone transitioning. Please give me some advice.

[Wesley_33]

I think you need to do whats right for you not everyone else. Are you going to live a life where you are happy or one makes others happy at the cost of you happness? You are right she should be supportive but not everyone can be. Also how do you put up with her calling you ignorant when she also seems that way toward you. Seems like you both are young and all I can say is that there is someone out in the world who will love you for being you.

[Gingertrap]

I am not FTM, but I think I can give some advice.

It sounds like she either isn't getting it, or just isn't ready to date a trans-person or a male person. I think you should sit down and try to have a serious talk with her, no distractions.

When you entered into a relationship were you still presenting as female? The fact of the mater is that she may only be attracted to girls and like being trans, you cannot change a person's sexual orientation. No matter how much you love her, it isn't worth it to stay in an abusive relationship, nor is it fair to her to expect her to stay in a relationship with someone she isn't attracted to. I would not tolerate it if my girlfriend treated me like that.

You have to think about your happiness first and foremost.

[Sharky]

I would break up with her. Love is only one factor in a relationship.

[Robert Scott]

Transitioning is hard in a relationship.  I have been with my wife for 11 years ... and started transitioning socially a year ago.   We have been in counseling for seven months trying to step our way through it all.   It's tough.  My wife doesn't want to be seen as a hetrosexual woman...she doesn't want to lose her identity with the lesbian community.  It's a grieving process.  During these seven months she has progressed to calling me Robert and using male pronouns --- she has only told one person at her job --- eveyone knows me there.   Meanwhile I am completely out and living my life as Robert for the most part.   I gave her space and time to make the adjustment.  It's hard when all I want to do is live my life completely as a male.  But I want her along with me.   So, she is finally at the point that I have had consultations for top surgery and for me to start T.   It's been a road.

I am in the Minneapolis, MN and there is a partner's support group for ftm's -- maybe there is something there where you are

[helios502]

Dear J, I am a partner of an FTM, and my partner has been transitioning this past year (we've been together for 14 years). What Robert says is true (and Robert, you sound like an especially loving partner to be so understanding of your wife). However, that said, there are a few things about what your girlfriend said, J, that worries me. The main thing is that rather than saying what she is feeling--that obviously SHE's not ready for this--she makes it about you, that YOU'RE not ready for this. Well, obviously, that's not the case. So this sort of weirdo projection/policing of your behavior is not healthy for you. I get that she is probably freaked out, believe me. I've been there. But your transition is hard enough without having to decipher and translate what's really going on for her emotionally. Screwing up the courage to use the boy's bathroom, for example, is a BIG deal. You deserve someone who can say 'good for you! You can do it! Congrats!.' Or, at the very least, 'your saying that scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me because I worry that you're going to transition right out of my life, but I understand you need to do what you have to do.' Of course, that is hard to do. In other words, she has to be able to allow you to go through your own process in relationship to your transition. And it would be wonderful and generous of you to include her in that, as it sounds like you have by for example telling her about the bathroom decision. But she also has a responsibility to own her own freak-outs about this, and not make it about you--eg, you're not ready, or to set your timetable for you. Even if she's a caretaker of you, which is often the case with ftm couples. And this means you need to set some limits with her, by figuring out how to acknowledge her fears (even if she's not articulating them), reassure her (she's probably scared and hurt) but nonetheless move forward on your own timetable. And if she can't handle it, I agree with Sharky! There are other fish in the sea, believe you me. Good luck! Helios

[JohnAlex]

I think when she says that you're not ready, what she really is saying is that she is not ready.  But it's not about her.

Also, this,

I would break up with her. Love is only one factor in a relationship.

[Matthew J. F]

JPurcell, If you love her then you should do the right thing by letting her go. It is the right thing to do for the both of you . She is a lesbian and you need to respect that just as well she needs to respect your decisions on transitioning FTM.

I can't see this relationship getting any stronger with the way things are heading. Let her go man, just her go. I know it hurts but it's the right thing to do. You know it deep inside that I'm right. Theirs no reason why you both cannot be best friends.

[anibioman]

i agree with matthew you shouldnt be with some one who doesnt want you to become who you are.

[Natkat]

I agree with Ginger, if she really only attractive to you as female and that is the point, then there is sadly nothing you can do about it.
this coint for every people, there is also alot of lesbian people I really wish was bisexual or straight but who isnt, and there is alot of straight guy I wish I could be with but who isnt into me.
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I would go for the famely/friend suporter, dont know if you got some but I guess it could be a good idea.
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your gf sound alittle like my mother and me relationship,
of corse I really love my mother alot and I accept the things she got but I also get sad when she dosent do the same, and like you,
blow up the point of me going to a boys toilet.

this is not just you and her but a general fact in all relationships to people that you demand a certain respect and accept of each other till you both feel confortable together.

[BMXJake]

A lot of Lesbians can't handle transitions because they truly like just women, and once you transition, unfortunately, you will be different and it's quite possible she won't feel the same about you anymore. I know this can be rough but hear me out here:

There is someone out there who will love you no matter what, as you are, and will stand by your side no matter what you decide to do (unless it's physically harming yourself, of course).
I had really bad luck romantically throughout middle/high school. I knew I had tons of time, but I never believed in the whole love thing or "the right person" thing until I saw my girlfriend. (Yeah, I know it's lame, but that's right just saw.) A week after we got together and we've been inseparable since. I really wasn't looking for a relationship and we started "just dating" but we couldn't help what happened. We met/got together my senior year in High School, I'm a Junior in College now. She knew I was trans before I was willing to come out to her (first person I ever came out to, a few months into our relationship) and has been wholly supportive, actually beyond supportive (she actively watches you tube channels and does research on her own).
I'm really not the mushy type, but I'm just saying this because know that if it doesn't workout, there really is a golden lining and there is always someone better out there that you truly deserve, who will support and love you unconditionally.