The beginning of the end

[Just Kate]

Quick rundown:

• - 1999 I started HRT while transitioning at 19 taking estrogen and T-blockers
• - 2000 I had an orchi at 20 dropping my T to nothing.
• - 2001 I destransitioned at 21 and started T again but my GID symptoms came back so strongly, I went off T and took no hormones.
• - Until 2009 I was on no hormones despite warnings from my doctors about the damage that could be done but since I was still young I didn't notice the effects.
• - 2009 I start T again worried about the creeping negative effects of no hormones
• - 2009 I go off T after 3 months with unbearable GID.  I link my T to my GID.
• - 2010 I start E as an experimental way to protect my body from the damage of no hormones while protecting my mind from the effects of my GID caused by T.  It works, only better, E completely removes my GID.
• - 2011 I am diagnosed with a rare blood disorder that makes it so I can no longer take E.  I go off E, but do not start T.
• - 2011 My body begins to degrade at a rapid pace due to lack of hormones.  I must take hormones again.  My docs and I exhaust all plausible possibilities of me safely taking E, so I talk to them about T long term.
• - "2 weeks ago" I tell my wife about my worries that my GID will return with full force, that so much energy will be devoted to limiting its effects I will not be able to hold down a decent job or be able to support the emotional rigors of child rearing.  She sadly threatens divorce because having children was part of the deal we made when we got married despite my inability to have them on my own.

I am like a bomb waiting to go off.  In time, I will slowly lose the control I've kept for so long.  It will be all I can do to hold on to my sanity as my brain begins to scream that I'm female while I must take hormones intended for a male.

I don't want to lose everything, but now so many roadblocks have been thrown up.  I was near death when I started transition; I remember how that felt, and I fear feeling that way again.  Now it seems that even if I DON'T transition I will lose the person I love the most and all that I worked so hard for.

I know I'm singing to the choir here.  

For the first time I'm beginning to regret ending my transition - seriously regret it.  I feel I have more than I can bear now.

[Constance]

In the Names of the Gods, but this is just awful. I don't know what to say, other than to say I'm here for you.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Shana A]

There is nothing easy about the path of re-transition or living in between. I empathize, and I'm here for you.

Z

[jesse]

interallia i am so sorry i have followed you since i joined this site even when you stopped posting i knew you would be back i looked up your blog and made an incorrect assumption that that you were some church goer antagonizing the community and asked you once why you even come here. your responce was pleasant even though that pleasant ness wasnt deserved on my part. you had every right to flame me out. you didnt. now i realize you were just trying to survive
im so sorry finish your transition hun you can adopt a child there by holding on too your bargain i hope your wife can understand that she has a unigue individual for a signifigant other who is closer to the angles then most remeber that angels are androgenous and apear as we accept them its obvious you love her if she loves you then none of this matters. what good is it gain the world if you lose your soul your soul is female
jessi

[BunnyBee]

I'm so sorry hun.  I can't imagine how that must feel.  Your focus needs to be foremost on your own survival.  I won't be one to presume I know what you need to do to accomplish that.  I do very much know how it feels to have two choices laid out before you and being unable to imagine either leading to happiness, and I know firsthand where losing hope takes you.  In my case, even though I didn't see a path to happiness, in reality there was one there and luckily I did take it.  I only did so because I knew exactly where the other choice would take me, so why not?  For you, the choices may or may not be the same, I don't know.

I will say only this, if it comes down to transition or death for you, as it did me, please don't choose death.  Despite rarely agreeing with you on things, I've always thought you seemed like a really nice person and I couldn't stand it if you left this world prematurely.  You will be in my thoughts.

[jesse]

well said jen what i believe is right for you may infact be the worst advice for just take cre of yourself
hugz
jessi

[Janet_Girl]

Interalia, much of what you have said in the past, about transitioning, I might not have agreed with; But no one, absolutely no one, should go through that.  I have no advise, but you have my support for whatever you decided to do.  Except for anything to do with leaving this world.

As Hannibal Lecter said to Clarice Starling. "The world is more interesting with you in it."

[AmySmiles]

Even though I didn't necessarily agree with your choice, I've always respected your desire to try and find another way to live without transitioning.  The conclusions you reached were always interesting to the scientific part of my brain.  I think you could have truly made it if not for the detrimental effects of lacking hormones - holding on for almost 10 years is very impressive.  I guess your experiment certainly proves one thing for certain: it's obvious that we need one hormone or the other to be happy and healthy.  I'm truly sorry it turned out this way and you no longer have the option that would be best for you.

Was this blood disease caused by the lack of hormones for so long?  If not, and it was inevitable anyway, I can only imagine how crushing the diagnosis would have been if you hadn't detransitioned.  Perhaps you can take some small comfort in the fact it may have been inevitable either way.  I hope you are able to find a path that leads to a somewhat healthy life, and perhaps knowing there is no alternative will make T slightly more bearable.

*hugs*

[Just Kate]

Thank you all for your kind empathy.  I'm glad to know you believe I have a place here too, that I belong despite my difference in opinion.

I likely will never transition (can you imagine how hard it would be to transition while continuing to take T?) so I'm still trying to pioneer a way to do it successfully, but the outlook is more bleak now.  I hope to survive the experience and fine a measurable amount of happiness.

Since this blood disorder was inherited from my mother (whom it took the life of) it is likely I would have developed it either way, even if I had remained transitioned, but who knows?

I need to find a new bright star of hope, something to look forward to and to work toward.  It is likely my remaining days will be difficult beyond what I have experienced before, so if I'm a lost cause, I could devote myself to being there for others.  I've always had a soft spot for other people - now I have even more of a reason to lose myself in service - something that is close to my heart.  Perhaps this only hurts so bad because I've spent too much time thinking about myself of late.  There are others out there who have it far worse than I do and deal with worse things than GID.

I still will be around here of course, it is nice to be able to talk with those who know what I'm experiencing especially when the going gets tougher.  I have to admit though I'm very afraid, but I have to be strong and brave in the face of adversity.  I still feel like I have a lot to give this world before I leave it.  I want my legacy to be one of peace and kindness.