Please Read!!

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Jill is mad at me. I feel alone. She is depressed and a trainwreck. She told me today that she felt she would just take the hormones and bam she would be female!!!!! Jill is really neurotic right now. She is not working and the Social Security Case did not go anywhere. They do not have any clauses of Gender Identity discrimination in there laws and so Nevada Equal Rights Commission could not do anything. She is lost confused, has no idea what to do from here. BUT that is ALL for her to figure out. It is just killing me to watch all of her emotions and how she is perceiving stuff. On a good note, I am making myself go out with my friends with out her and I am doing things on my own. I found that in me doing MY own thing right now, I do not hold her to as many expectations. SHE HATES when I do that. She also is seeing her therapist, but has many things going on with her mind right now. I am terrified of our future at times our savings account is depleiting, she is getting unemployment, she resents me because of my life, she wishes she had it, also resents me due to how I control our money (someone has too) I am NOT in a marriage at all I am in a emotional prison!!!!!!!

[GypsySoul]

(I wish I was one of those people who always knew what to say to make everything sound like it is going to be ok. But I am not, I have seen too much to believe that kind of thing.) I've been keeping up with your posts over the last few days and What I can say is.....

As her wife it is just as much on you to help her as it is for her to find herself. If she is unwilling to accept your help that is one thing, but do not withhold it if she needs it.

Also,


If you HONESTLY feel the way you say you do, about not being in a marriage, then you need to sit her down and tell her that. She either needs to help you work on the relationship or you need to explore other options. Maybe some time apart would be helpful to the both of you. A relationship, of any kind, is not supposed to be one-sided. It is supposed to be a partnership, not always easy I know but if you are the only one committed to making it work it wont. Be honest with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Have her help you decide if it is worth working through. (I know, I know, we SO's are supposed to be supportive, stand by through anything kind of people, but I feel that if it gets to the point of potentially loosing yourself in the relationship then it is time to step back and look at it from a more 'realistic' perspective.) There is nothing wrong with doing what is right for YOU. (not meaning to be negative or pessimistic, just my opinion)

Also, may I ask what kind of expectations you hold her to that bother her so much? And is she actively seeking employment or just putting out the minimal applications in order to collect unemployment?

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

i screwed up!!!! I was venting to one of the girls we see at times on my facebook and jill saw it!!!!! She is pissed as she should be.. She want me gone.... She talks to me in confidence and what do I do, betray her.... I feel so stupid!!!!!!!! She hates me!!!! She said all day long I have been stressing her out!!! I know I have been NOW I screw up!! I know I did.. she wants a break from me and says I do not help her I just make it worse... Oh boy I really did it this time..... I wrote somethings on their I should not have too...   :/

[JoanneB]

Given a choice between keeping things all bottled up until you explode or venting to friend that you feel will not betray any confidences, venting is by far the better path. I do not see how you messed up. Now, if this friend is a blabber mouth.....

Going through transition is definitely a high stress situation. Life will no longer be what you are used to or expect of it.  Entering into it with unrealistic expectations is a recipe for disaster. Many think of HRT, SRS or any of the myriad steps as magic spells. POOF! instantly you are a woman and even more magically life will become filled with joy now that "the problem" is addressed. This is where a very knowledgeable gender therapist and support groups are essentially essential. More so than hormones and surgeries. Attitude is everything. I didn't have it in my 20's when I tried twice to start transition.

You are absolutely correct when you said "She is lost confused, has no idea what to do from here. BUT that is ALL for her to figure out." Yes, as her wife you are there supporting her, acting as a sounding board and therapist. But you are not a subject matter expert.

If Jill has no other support besides you, you may be suffering from what my wife refers to as "kick the dog" syndrome.  A practice of hers I am often the recipient of. Basically if you are the only one around, you are also the only one she can lash out at. I can mostly handle it since I know where it comes from, and being the youngest child I got blamed for everything growing up  She will always apologize later for her particular form of venting.

[Dragonfly]

i screwed up!!!! I was venting to one of the girls we see at times on my facebook and jill saw it!!!!! She is pissed as she should be.. She want me gone.... She talks to me in confidence and what do I do, betray her.... I feel so stupid!!!!!!!! She hates me!!!! She said all day long I have been stressing her out!!! I know I have been NOW I screw up!! I know I did.. she wants a break from me and says I do not help her I just make it worse... Oh boy I really did it this time..... I wrote somethings on their I should not have too...   :/

Dear Quirky Queen,
      I know you feel terrible about everything that's going on.  You are under a tremendous amount of pressure right now. It is terrible to be the main support of Jill and not have a support person for you. I had a really good friend that I could talk to, and Jeneva even encouraged me to talk to her about anything. I know Jill supports you too, but sometimes you have to have someone else to share your feelings with.  You do need someone who will commiserate with what you are going through. If Jill expects you to hold all your feelings inside and not talk to a friend about what is going on, then she is being extremely unrealistic and very selfish. She's not considering your feelings at all. That is not fair to you. That is also not healthy for you either. The physical and mental effects of stress can be dangerous. Maybe you can sit Jill down and explain this to her. I know how self-absorbed someone going through transition can be. I also know from experience that things get better when you can communicate how you are feeling toward each other. I hate to say it, but if it doesn't get better for you soon, look out for yourself. Talk about spending some time apart to evaluate the situation. Life is too short to be miserable. Hopefully, Jill will realize that you have feelings too and that the world doesn't revolve around her. Good luck with everything. I hope I didn't hurt feelings or offend with my rather blunt post. I mean no harm. I just hate that you are suffering so much.
Shannon

[Jeneva]

Ok, therapy alone is a wonderful tool, but sometimes we get ourselves twisted into such a tight spiral, that we need other help.  Has Jill talked to her regular doctor (PCP) about this stress?  Anxiety is a VERY real condition and can be totally crippling.  It also is often co-mingled with depression.  Does she take a regular anti-depressant daily?  Not only do they work to fight depression, but they also help (to a degree) with anxiety.  And there are medications that will help a ton with anxiety/panic attacks too, but they need to be taken carefully (benzo class drugs are addictive over time and present VERY bad withdrawal symptoms).  My reading of your post is that she is stuck in a downward spiral of anxiety/depression and the negative feedback loop is keeping her trapped there.  If she can break that loop even for only a little while with medication then perhaps she can function better for a few days.

As far as the unrealistic expectation that the pills would magically make her female, well, we all have our own areas where we expect an unrealistic goal.  We're dealing with one right now.  I hoped that when I turned in my resignation to my last employer I would be free of the mega stress they were inflicting on me.  Because I felt I didn't need to take my as-needed anxiety medication, but was feeling anxious for no reason I could understand I went to a walk in clinic yesterday to talk about how I could safely gradually eliminate my withdrawal symptoms to the benzo I'm prescribed.  The walk in clinic NP flat out refused to believe I may have developed an addiction to them.  She believed that I was still under stress even though I couldn't easily identify it as I could before and I just needed to take my meds and it would be fine.  On one hand I do still feel I've developed a reliance on them and did have some withdrawal symptoms (and will talk to me PCP about it early this week), but she was right to point out that I had an unrealistic expectation that just leaving the job would cure it all.  I still have to offer them support until next Friday and even after that my EEOC (discrimination and ADA violations)/FMLA suit is pending until the EEOC investigation finishes and it will likely be 9 months until it starts (huge backlog).  The stress of a potential lawsuit and/or settlement being done with instead of dragging out forever is a real stressor for me now.  She also mentioned that my going back to school was a source of stress as well as the financial loss of my income.  So in her mind I was being silly for not just taking the medication.  And even if I was a bit into withdrawal symptoms she was right that I still had stress that I wasn't acknowledging.

We all want the magic bullet or pill that just makes it all alright again, but life usually doesn't work that way.  It will take time and energy for her transition to be complete.  I also strongly suggest she talk to a MD about a prescription for anxiety medication.  As far as you venting, I feel that is perfectly ok, you have to be able to release your stress too.

As far as her being alone for a while, that does somewhat bother me because of her level of anxiety/depression.  Would she be willing to spend any time in a mental health facility?  They would be able to give her the help she needs in both therapy and medication and could make sure she didn't do something she would later regret or hurtful to you and her family.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Jill did forgive me!!! She does support me pretty well it has just been rather rough for her and I lately.. she is going to see her PCP tomorrow in hopes that she will give her anti anxiety medication!! She just needs it to sleep better at night and for those emergency cases. Jill had begun to reach out to other trans woman.. She told me she wants to learn how to be more independent. I think that is a wonderful thing. We had a good day today!! We were able to feel like us again!!! She tends to be obsessive and has an big heart... I knew she would come around.. yesterday was a really hard day for me!!! she is trying to keep herself together!! Of course her not working right now is hard, but she does help others in the transgender community throughout the week!!! We do talk on a regular sometimes too much LOL I love this girl and I feel we can get through this transition together once again!! <3

[cynthialee]

I hate to go there as I almost never do and I am a hopeless romantic...
perhaps it is time to start considering spliting the sheets. This is not a healthy relationship. There are serious codependancy issues going on here and emotional abuse.

Your relationship has been highly volitile as your love has some serious issues that need to be resolved before she can even think about maintaining an adult relationship.

I am sorry, but I fear it had to be said.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

I hate to go there as I almost never do and I am a hopeless romantic...
perhaps it is time to start considering spliting the sheets. This is not a healthy relationship. There are serious codependancy issues going on here and emotional abuse.

Your relationship has been highly volitile as your love has some serious issues that need to be resolved before she can even think about maintaining an adult relationship.

I am sorry, but I fear it had to be said.

I am slightly offended... I understand we have some things to work through and we are both seeing a therapist!! She is really good.. Jill has just had a REALLY hard start to her transition. We are learning how to not be co dependent. Transition is really hard on a relationship. It makes both people really look at the GUTS of the marriage.. Sure we have issues BUT not anything that we can not get through. Why did you feel this way Cynthialee?

I am 29 years old and Jill is 34 years old. We still wear our emotions on our sleeves at times. We are still growing. I am not mad, your comment just surprised me. Being in a transition has brought up alot of ups and downs for us... More then before...

[cynthialee]

Well I have been following your posts for about a year now and I was going on my gut feelings on the matter.

Yes transition does change allot but it is no excuse for fighting and emotional blackmail.
I understand that there are issues that crop up on occasion and it takes work for some relationships to thrive. But when it seems like it is all work...?

Anyways, I am sorry that I offended you. I did not mean to offend. I only sought to put in my 2 cents.

Now also keep in mind I do not have all the variables available to me. I only have what you have posted to go on. Only you know all the variables in your relationship so you are in a far better place to make the call than I am.

[Sphaira]

Now also keep in mind I do not have all the variables available to me. I only have what you have posted to go on. Only you know all the variables in your relationship so you are in a far better place to make the call than I am.

I think this is the most helpful part of this site: The honest objective views of a sympathetic outsider. Although I understand why you are offended, our opinions are based on your posts. Given your facebook drama, perhaps you should reevaluate how you tell your side of the story. Venting is necessary, but you should always vent to your SO first, not last.

[lectrocutie]

I miss you so much. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss the interesting ways you would take the most boring words and paint them so colorfully in your poetry. I miss coming home to you and I miss our life. Obviously things have been decimated for me.

Not your fault, I am a piece of ->-bleeped-<- who failed to realize the pain the love of my life was suffering through. I am a piece of ->-bleeped-<- who thought the world revolved around me. I am the piec eof ->-bleeped-<- who failed to realize that I was the luckiest person in tthe world because I got something more valuabkle than the lottery. I got thre most amazing person the earrth ahs seenand I gave you up for what...I should of never signed those papers, or I should of took more pills. I just  was so confused and lost and I was stressing over evetrything. I trruly am sorry. Like so sorry and I really only hope that you find the hap[piness you couldnt find with me