Are you ok with intimacy?

[insideontheoutside]

Been thinking about this lately after getting a totally different take on it from a friend of mine. So I thought I'd explore this further with you guys (or any girl that happens to come by here and wants to offer an opinion).

So I should clarify this - I mean just in general, being intimate (up to and including having sex) with another person.

I don't feel I ever had a "normal" experience in that department. And it's not so much dysphoria that troubles me as it is fear I think. Even the short stints I had trying to be "female" I wouldn't let anyone touch me because that meant a whole bunch of explaining needed to happen (actually even just being male a lot of explaining had to happen!). The few people I have been with it hasn't felt like a relaxing, fun, fulfilling experience - it's felt stressful and anxiety inducing with a whole set of made-up "rules" I've thrown on it in an attempt to make myself more comfortable.

I feel that being trans, intersex, having dysphoria, being taken advantage of etc. lead to a whole host of problems when it comes to being intimate with another person. I've even been with what I would consider the "right" person and still found it a very difficult thing.

So how easy do you feel - given your own unique situation and circumstances - it is to be intimate with someone? Do you have "rules" of your own? Do you have anxiety or stress about it? Do you just push it all out of your mind and the physical drive takes over?

Also, do you feel that having sex is a need or just a want? How important is it to you to have a partner you can be intimate with?

For those of you that don't have a problem with it, I'd be interested in your thoughts on that ... like if you did have a problem with it and you found a way around it, or if you've always been that way ... just want your general outlook is that you find it a positive experience with someone else.

[Nygeel]

I'm okay with physical intimacy with somebody who understands how I talk about and has some idea on how I like to use my body.

[Vincent E.S.]

Physical intimacy is a no for me. From body dysphoria to paranoia/fear to just not enjoying physical touch, sex and physical intimacy won't happen. I feel that what sex drive I have is more of a want than a need, although it's wanting to be a need.

I'm pretty okay with foreplay, snuggling, kissing, biting, etc, so long as it doesn't go into the realm of sex, but I've never really gotten close enough to anyone to do all those things. That's another problem in and of itself. I have pretty severe trust issues that prevent me from having emotional/romantic intimacy with someone, even though I would like to have that. That part does feel like a need.

I have a problem with it, but I've never found a way around it.. When I was younger and still pretending to be a girl I tried to overcompensate and ended up just being extremely shallow, which was not what I wanted. I have a huge amount of stress from it, but I'm hoping that if I can use the little rules I have to get into a purely romantic intimate relationship, then that would help.

[Sam-]

I'm still a virgin, haven't done anything past some kissing. But I can offer a little bit of my views anyways I think.

I was never interested in anything sexual for years. I was always like ew no never gonna happen, perfectly content with being a virgin forever, sex is icky. That changed around the beginning of this year. The change aligned pretty well with me discovering my trans* identity, so I'm guessing there is a connection. But I'm not sure if I'd actually be able to go through with it, I just know the want is definitely there now, complete 180 from where I was before. (I guess this doesn't really answer your question- just thought it was related and interesting.)

[Lee]

Emotional intimacy, sure, but I don't think I could manage anything physical until my body is more male.

[Dane]

I don't like intimacy. I don't really know why I'm adverse to it. I just always start feeling weird, and sometimes end up imagining more ideal conditions and stuff. It's kind of odd. >.>

[Ryno]

I'm able to be intimate with someone, but the thing is, since starting my transition I haven't had too much intimacy. I was seeing someone, but it really wasn't that great. I think now, it would really bother me to have someone touching me down there unless I had a Share or Real Doe or something. Other than that, I'd be able to be intimate - from hugging and cuddling to oral sex, fingering and foreplay. I think if I end up becoming intimate with someone again I'll have to get the Reel Magik prosthetic, entirely for my own peace of mind. It might also feel more real for whoever it is I'm with, which might be better for her too.

[N.Chaos]

I feel a hell of a lot better doing it with my boyfriend, tbh.
He's so accepting of me being me, doesn't even want to touch those stupid things, and is as grossed out by looking at a vag as I am.

My girlfriend, it's kind of painful, because she knew me as a girl for so many years, still feels like a lesbian, and always wants to touch those goddamn things. I always feel like an ->-bleeped-<-, and like I'm being judged, so we don't do it often. The whole situation is weird, and disgustingly complicated.

Granted, these are the only two people I've ever had any kind of actual sex with, so its not like I'm exactly bursting with experience.

[Mr.Rainey]

I am very okay with it if my partner knows how to handle me. Basically someone who does not judge me, uses the right pronouns and touches my body as if I were cismale. If I can relax with said person I usually can enjoy myself and get off. Using a strap to cum without and touching to your female bits can require practice. If its not too akward I might share.

[MaxAloysius]

No no no no no and a big resounding NO. Absolutely not.

I have no problem with being close to a person, in fact I love it, and I have a sex drive like...I don't even know what I could compare myself too (maybe several hundred bonobos), but I absolutely cannot take my clothes off or be touched on the chest or bellow the belt. It's like the worst trigger in the world for me, and can flip my mood and identity right out from under me. When I had a boyfriend who understood how I worked, everything was great. I had SOOOO much sex (I choose to call it sex, because it definitely wasn't anything less than), and my woodsman boyfriend practically fell into a coma every morning, which is saying something.

I definitely need it, but I can't have the kind of it that I want, so I just have to go without. Even at that level of closeness and emotional intimacy with someone who completely understood me, I could not stand to be touched like that.

I don't see that ever changing.

[R.A.A]

Sometimes I'm okay, and sometimes I'm not. About once every three months or so I get really anxious and self-loathing that I'm not the way I /want/ to be, when having sex. It usually passes within a few days. I call this my man period--the time of self-loathing and utter bitchiness. However, this is a rare occurrence and doesn't overcome me. I'm usually fine with intimacy altogether.

Also, I feel that all carnal pleasures are wants rather than needs because one does not need them to live.

[kyril]

I never used to think I had a problem in that department. I was far from a virgin before I transitioned - I'd had...let's just say an embarrassingly large number of partners and a fairly wide variety of experience. There were only a few things I couldn't handle.

But then I transitioned and started dating my current boyfriend, and I discovered the difference between "sex" and intimacy. When we started, I still really saw my body as female, and I was ashamed of it. I wouldn't even refer to the parts below the belt. But he redefined my body as male. And I started to feel less ashamed, and my barriers started to break down, and now we actually have a real, functional, reciprocal intimate relationship. Which is something I never had before - it was always about my partner's body, and I was just sort of dissociated from mine.

[Mika]

It kinda depends for me. I am a very sexual person with an (annoyingly) high sex drive, but I sometimes have a lot of anxiety in terms of intimacy and my body. The rules for my body seem to shift on me a lot--acts that are sometimes awesome are other times overwhelmingly dysphoric. I'm not a good communicator in sexual situations, which complicates things. I have a history, from before I was out, of consenting to acts that caused me a lot of dysphoria to avoid emotional vulnerability and also not to lose my partner's attraction. I also have a lot of anxiety because I often have trouble getting off when my mind wanders to dysphoric thoughts about my body.

I had problems with receiving oral sex for a long time, as well as hoo-ha penetration. But open communication with my partner about boundaries in general and for the specific instance helped, as well as giving them non-triggering words for body parts and acts. Masturbation also helped a lot--learning my boundaries without the added anxiety and pressure of partnered sex.

Other times, sex is awesome and doesn't make me feel dysphoric at all. It kind of depends on how openly I communicate and how dysphoric I'm feeling at the get-go. I'm also kinda gender-fluid, so sometimes I feel like my body better "matches" my gender at times.

As someone openly into kink and BDSM, sex doesn't need to involve genitals and whatnot. Even if you aren't into kink or BDSM, the aspects of healthy and communicative consent as well as an open definition of sexuality and sensuality might improve your comfort level.

For me personally, I feel sex is a want. I think a relationship without sex would be very challenging for me, but I could do it if I loved the person.

[BrandonJames]

I have a really high sex drive, drives my gf crazy sometimes. but when it comes to intimacy i have rules that i have for myself.

1. the shirt doesnt come off, she can touch my back as much as she wants but the shirt wont come off end of story.
2. she can touch my legs, butt and stomach but thats as far as it goes.

those are my big rules, we us a strap on and we have explored my body before but it is to weaird. as it is my mind is stuck in my head most of the time so im lucky if i get one O. and this  will piss her off from time to time, then i get pissed off and we wont be intimant for a while. our longest no sex strech is 3 1/2 months. 

i get the feeling we are headed for another strech but she is working nearly 7 days a week sometimes and she just got a xbox360 so most of her time is on the damn game system for the last week and a half.

this might be for another topic but I find that we are having sex more durring a role play situation vs. just me and her. I talked to her about it and she says she is fine with non role play, but nothings changed. anyone find that they do more role play vs. one on one? then my mind gets all tweeked and paranoid, do i want that kind of focus on me or what if she just isnt intrested in non role play? As it is I struggle with the focus that is on me couse of the dysphoric i have with my body.  Maybe im just way to Paranoid .....

dont know if anyof this helped or if it was useless,

[insideontheoutside]

Thanks for the responses so far! It definitely helps to see the variety.

I think one of my basic problems is that I have this idealized notion of "normal" and feel that I've never had "normal" so naturally I kinda want that over everything else.

I have that idealized notion in my mind of what it's all supposed to be like and feel like, etc. - mostly from non-personal experiences, which also doesn't help.

Being with a totally asexual partner I haven't had any "practice" in quite a while. And while sometimes it bothers me, sometimes I'm perfectly ok with it because that means I don't have to do anything and put myself in an anxiety-inducing situation either. I know that's not the best way to look at it. And it's not like there is zero  intimacy either if you count things like hugs and massages and things of that nature.

[anibioman]

i currently dont intend on having sex until i have top surgery which is at least 2 years. i know i couldnt be remotely comfortable having sex now as im rarely comfortable fully clothed. plus its not like there is anyone significant in my life at the moment.

[TheAwesomePrussia]

I feel lucky in this regard. I have my girlfriend. We'll have been together for a year come the 22nd. She's been with me since before I was out and living as male, but she's always seen me as male. For some reason I've always been comfortable with her, I've always been able to be myself with her. And when I'm with her, I'm hardly reminded of my dysphoria. She let's me wear my binder, and she always makes me feel like I'm no different than any other cismale when we're in "the moment". I'm not sure how she does it.
Yes. It's sometimes hard for me to "get into it" when I'm feeling dysphoric (usually a certain week of the month), but when I'm with her I'm not reminded of the fact that I wasn't AMAB.
I don't think I could be intimate if it were anyone else... I feel so lucky to have a girlfriend like her.

[Wolfsnake]

i currently dont intend on having sex until i have top surgery which is at least 2 years. i know i couldnt be remotely comfortable having sex now as im rarely comfortable fully clothed. plus its not like there is anyone significant in my life at the moment.

My personal solution to this is Sex with Shirts. It can be fun. 

[Father Way]

No unless I'm the one topping and my clothes stays on me which haven't happened yet