Black Dog Realisation

[Princess of Hearts]

I have been fighting a raging black depression all week.   I was so stressed and anxious that I didn't sleep for 60 hours, when I am in one of my inky black depressions I get terrible insomnia.    However, this information is just background for what I am about to tell you.   I have realised that you MUST be yourself even if it kills you!     Read that statement again slowly.   It is a thousand times better to be truthful and honest about yourself and face the consequences even if this means death, than be false to yourself or other people. 
I have been forced to a very great degree this week out of my physical and psychological comfort zone.    This made me suicidal.    I was fantasising during my sleep fast about eating poisonous mushrooms or the roots of the Hemlock plant and dying.   Death Cap mushrooms will definitely kill you, but they have two serious drawbacks.   The first is that it can take days to die.  Secondly it is said to be an extremely painful death.   So with this in mind I decided to eat the roots of the Hemlock plant.  Hemlock is just as deadly, and much quicker than Death caps, but I think the Hemlock growing season is over.    You must be thinking 'what a gloomy person you are POH'.   What came out of all this is that I must be entirely honest with myself and with others at all time.   I don't care if I am the talk of the place or if people shout out to me in the street I must express myself or die.   Yes it really is that stark a choice.

[Princess of Hearts]

Well what a bunch of friends you all are.  I could have killed myself for all you care.

[SandraJane]

Sorry Princess...just saw this post....

You have been churning out a lot of threads lately...

Hugs,

SJ

[Princess of Hearts]

I think it appalling that someone could post what I posted and NOT receive a SINGLE reply.    In fact I think that it is bordering on the inhuman and speaks of a website where the members are completely self-absorbed.

Threads that are the equivalent of 'What is your favourite colour?' get pages of replies but someone who was extremely depressed gets completely ignored?

[Princess of Hearts]

I posted at another website only that I hadn't slept in almost three days.   I got lots of replies and people even suggested that I should go and see my GP.   At another website I posted the above + the fact that I was feeling very depressed.  I wrote nothing about being suicidal and yet people were concerned and have been asking me daily how I am feeling.   The response here speaks for itself and cannot be changed or denied, you would rather ask someone 'how many times a day do you brush your teeth?'  than bother to post even a mildly supportive post in this thread.

[Abstract]

I have been fighting a raging black depression all week.   I was so stressed and anxious that I didn't sleep for 60 hours, when I am in one of my inky black depressions I get terrible insomnia.    However, this information is just background for what I am about to tell you.   I have realised that you MUST be yourself even if it kills you!     Read that statement again slowly.   It is a thousand times better to be truthful and honest about yourself and face the consequences even if this means death, than be false to yourself or other people. 
I have been forced to a very great degree this week out of my physical and psychological comfort zone.    This made me suicidal.    I was fantasising during my sleep fast about eating poisonous mushrooms or the roots of the Hemlock plant and dying.   Death Cap mushrooms will definitely kill you, but they have two serious drawbacks.   The first is that it can take days to die.  Secondly it is said to be an extremely painful death.   So with this in mind I decided to eat the roots of the Hemlock plant.  Hemlock is just as deadly, and much quicker than Death caps, but I think the Hemlock growing season is over.    You must be thinking 'what a gloomy person you are POH'.   What came out of all this is that I must be entirely honest with myself and with others at all time.   I don't care if I am the talk of the place or if people shout out to me in the street I must express myself or die.   Yes it really is that stark a choice.

I though about how to kill my self a good bit... I don't think I really actually decided to or i ever really truly wanted too though...there are quicker and less painful ways of dieing...though i don't know about hemlock...

But there is plenty to do in reality...

Part of the thing is ask yourself why you are getting depressed. Maybe you care to much about fulfilling expectations of friends family and or humans or friends in general..

But yes i think being honest with all is quite important... often many don't realize when they are being deceptive or untruthful though...it takes practice...

[Abstract]

I think it appalling that someone could post what I posted and NOT receive a SINGLE reply.    In fact I think that it is bordering on the inhuman and speaks of a website where the members are completely self-absorbed.

Threads that are the equivalent of 'What is your favorite color?' get pages of replies but someone who was extremely depressed gets completely ignored?

re you serious... I think is just suggests an inactive forum...

[Devlyn]

This is hysterical! We're supposed to show emotions now too? Princess, you spend most of your time telling us we are property, livestock, and farm implements. Have you promoted us all to human? Try treating people with dignity and respect, and you'll get the same back. I do hope you are feeling better, taking your life is never the answer, hugs, Tracey

[SandraJane]

Princess,

Seriously, have you been diagnosed, treated for Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression? Going 60 hours without sleep, the amount of activity you have been displaying lately (no idea about the other websites you go to), and the suicidal idealization, sounds like you are having a Manic episode. My guess is its not your first.

In the past you have mentioned that you live with your family, are they seeing your behaviors? Are you taking medication? Have you seen your regular MD lately? Do you think maybe your post was disregarded as another "topic"?

3 days later you post a comment that no one paid attention to your post, it has the sound of insincerity to it.

This is coming from someone that's a "fan" of yours, and with a little understanding of Mental Illness/Disorders. I hope that you are feeling better, maybe its time for you to take break from all of the threads you have been starting. Hope you are feeling better now!

Hugs,

SJ

[Princess of Hearts]

Hi SJ

I have a huge amount of psychological baggage from the past all highly negative.   I started meditation a few weeks ago and I think this has brought a lot of black energy to the surface.    They say that this can be overwhelming when it happens but the good news is that by coming out of the subconscious mind into consciousness the energy is being purged.   My father was am extremely negative man and for years he created a near poisonous atmosphere on an almost daily basis.  This has had a very deep impact upon me but thanks to meditation I hope to be free of this energy in about six months to a year.

I had signed up for a college course but when they time came to go I couldn't leave the house.  I can't be away from home for 10-11 hours per day it is impossible at the moment.   I think that I suffer from agoraphobia as I don't like to go out and when I do go out I return home the minute I still to feel cornered and oppressed.  The good news is I am over my suicidal feelings as the stressor has gone now.

As you know I have a low opinion of medicine and doctors.  Dr John Breeding and others have shown in the writings that psychiatric pills play havoc with the brain.

[Princess of Hearts]

This is hysterical! We're supposed to show emotions now too? Princess, you spend most of your time telling us we are property, livestock, and farm implements. Have you promoted us all to human? Try treating people with dignity and respect, and you'll get the same back. I do hope you are feeling better, taking your life is never the answer, hugs, Tracey

I did not write that I thought that people were property.  I wrote that the government and Business thinks of you as their property, which is not the same thing.

[Princess of Hearts]

re you serious... I think is just suggests an inactive forum...

Yes that is probably the explanation.

[Princess of Hearts]

I though about how to kill my self a good bit... I don't think I really actually decided to or i ever really truly wanted too though...there are quicker and less painful ways of dieing...though i don't know about hemlock...

But there is plenty to do in reality...

Part of the thing is ask yourself why you are getting depressed. Maybe you care to much about fulfilling expectations of friends family and or humans or friends in general..

But yes i think being honest with all is quite important... often many don't realize when they are being deceptive or untruthful though...it takes practice...

I got so depressed because I was presented with a situation that I couldn't cope with and it triggered my 'flight-or-fight mechanism which ran day and night for three days.   

[SandraJane]

Hi SJ

I have a huge amount of psychological baggage from the past all highly negative.   I started meditation a few weeks ago and I think this has brought a lot of black energy to the surface.    They say that this can be overwhelming when it happens but the good news is that by coming out of the subconscious mind into consciousness the energy is being purged.   My father was am extremely negative man and for years he created a near poisonous atmosphere on an almost daily basis.  This has had a very deep impact upon me but thanks to meditation I hope to be free of this energy in about six months to a year.

  Dr John Breeding and others have shown in the writings that psychiatric pills play havoc with the brain.

Thanks for your honesty and reply, and I understand the baggage, I have my share and experience with Psychotropic's. Do consider a sabbatical or decrease in activity for a week or two, whatever medication(s) you are taking can take awhile to "kick in", others work quickly but have some nasty side effects that you might not notice until something has occured (hypomanic/manic attacks).

Well...then the light at the end of the tunnel is for real! Here for you POH!

SJ

P.S. "Black Dog Depression"...quote of Churchhill's?

[Abstract]

Hi SJ

I have a huge amount of psychological baggage from the past all highly negative.   I started meditation a few weeks ago and I think this has brought a lot of black energy to the surface.    They say that this can be overwhelming when it happens but the good news is that by coming out of the subconscious mind into consciousness the energy is being purged.   My father was am extremely negative man and for years he created a near poisonous atmosphere on an almost daily basis.  This has had a very deep impact upon me but thanks to meditation I hope to be free of this energy in about six months to a year.

I had signed up for a college course but when they time came to go I couldn't leave the house.  I can't be away from home for 10-11 hours per day it is impossible at the moment.   I think that I suffer from agoraphobia as I don't like to go out and when I do go out I return home the minute I still to feel cornered and oppressed.  The good news is I am over my suicidal feelings as the stressor has gone now.

As you know I have a low opinion of medicine and doctors.  Dr John Breeding and others have shown in the writings that psychiatric pills play havoc with the brain.

While some bi-polarism may need treatment...I have to question whether it is what people think it is... might it not just be that a person changes quickly because they learn and grow mentally quickly and thus they more often experience great states of alteration...?

Then again it could be the result of the over use of built up dopamine that then results in a lack generating a depressed period until more dopamine is built up...IDK

[Abstract]

Yes that is probably the explanation.

Or we are all the type of people that think you should go for it if you feel you should kill yourself...

[SandraJane]

Or we are all the type of people that think you should go for it if you feel you should kill yourself...

Not very amusing...

SJ

[mimpi]

(((Princess))), am so sorry, missed this thread completely and have just seen your posts. Have PM'd you and will talk anytime you wish.

Hold in there

Big hugs, Mimpi x

[Jen61]

Well what a bunch of friends you all are.  I could have killed myself for all you care.

So many days before anybody posted back, it is like Wow! If I were you I would conclude I do not have friends in this forum.

Jen61