Saturday, Sandy and I went to a fundraiser. The theme was Flappers & Fedoras. Some attendees dressed the part but most were in evening wear. The Lesbian Community Cancer Project sponsored the event so obviously there were a lot of lesbians there. I found myself very comfortable with the company.
At one point I pictured myself at the event with the male and female numbers reversed and I instantly felt uneasy. I would have wanted to leave if that were the case. Then I wondered if transwomen who love men would feel the same way? Is it just a comfort thing being with women because I am one or is it the lesbian part of it that makes me comfortable? I'm leaning towards the latter.
I've had moments where I've thought about being with a guy and I was surprised I really didn't mind. Granted, I was in complete control of the daydream, he was as perfect for me as a guy can get, but still, here I was daydreaming about being with a guy. So I was beginning to wonder if my feelings would continue to go in that direction.
At the party I found myself in the company of several gorgeous women. When I started up a conversation it was because I was taken by their beauty. And when I found out they liked my sense of humor it was all the encouragement I needed to keep going. I spent a lot of time with them. We were out on the dance floor and they were having a ball. And I was one of them. The smile on my face said it all.
Then I thought about those daydreams of guys and they all vanished. Take the most perfect guy I can imagine and put him against any of those ladies and the guy would lose in an instant. Yeah, I still love women.
But what I walked away with was not only that but how wonderful it is to be involved in something like a fundraiser and to be living a real life with real people who know what it's like to be societal outcasts. There was a common bond we all shared.
Besides those women I mentioned, I met a lot of other people and all were kind and gracious. I compared that to going out to a bar or nightclub and there was no comparison. We were all there to support a cause, not just to pick up or get picked up. And being there for something other than self gratification meant so much more to me.
I have some activist in me and I know once I'm retired and totally full time I'll find some cause to support. Preferably it would be a trans-related cause but something like what we supported Saturday night would still be fulfilling. I have to do something that will make the lives of others better, otherwise my own life is a waste.
As a man, I never felt this way, I never wanted to get involved in anything. Probably because I wasn't a man inside and the woman in me was fighting to get out. That part of my life is over now. I've reached another milestone in my transition. I no longer find myself focusing on my problems because the major problem is almost resolved. Now it's time to help others.
Julie
