Should I tell him now

[debisl]

Went out the other night with a lesbian freind of mine and met this really nice guy who fell head over heals for me. She helps me dress up really sexy. I think it turns her on as well. He really thinks I am a girl. We made out all the way home and he still really dosent suspect anything. I am on HRT and the breast have really developed nicely. All he could do is play with them. I was really turned on as well. When do you tell someone what is up?

[Dryad]

Ouch.. Difficult one.
Me; I wouldn't care, but then again; I'm a bit of a Pan. He might care. So I'd say he ought to know before he found out between some sheets...

Perhaps it's a good idea to start a chat with him about.. Well, start with your friend, who's homosexual. Then gradually work your way up to other sexuality-related things. Along the way, you can find out his opinions on all these subjects. Then toss transgender in there somewhere; you can easily find out his opinion on the matter without outright telling him you are TG.
If he responds completely uncaring about all, well, that's a good sign. If he responds well, well, even better. But if he responds negatively.. Well, you know what he feels about it, then, and it's not good.
In any case, near the end of the sexuality conversation, he'll know you're transsexual. But you won't dump him in  the deep, since you 'warmed him up' to the subject.
And if that fails... Well, that's just miserable. So you'll just have to message me for a virtual hug. If it ends up well: We'll do the hug, anyway, and celebrate!

Anyway; there are a lot more experience people around here, on these boards, so I'd wait untill you heard their opinions, and advice, too.

Good luck!

Dryad.

[cindianna_jones]

If you've played around... don't tell him.  Don't ever tell him.  We've seen too many tragic stories with these circumstances. This relationship will most likely fail.

If you meet someone you think you want to develop a relationship with.... don't play around.  Wait until you can tell your story.  You'll know when the time is right. If he's the right guy, he will appreciate your circumstance and the fact that you have held back until you have told him.

Cinci

[Melissa]

If you've played around... don't tell him.  Don't ever tell him.  We've seen too many tragic stories with these circumstances.

If you meet someone you think you want to develop a relationship with.... don't play around.  Wait until you can tell your story.  You'll know when the time is right. If he's the right guy, he will appreciate your circumstance and the fact that you have held back until you have told him.

Cinci

Oh, thanks Cinci .  That's some good advice. This was one thing I have been wondering about lately too.

Melissa

[debisl]

He just turns me on something awful. I am all woman on top, and he loves them. He takes me out to nice places. He has even taken me out shopping to get new clothes. I hate to use him just to buy me stuff. I am afraid if he finds out he might dump me. I really like the attention he gives me. I could just melt in his arms. I do plan on resignment surgery. Just have to wait till I can afford it. Hope I can string him along for a while.

[Julie Marie]

He takes me out to nice places. He has even taken me out shopping to get new clothes.

I thought you just met him the other night?

Julie

[Dryad]

I thought you just met him the other night?

Same, here.

But anyhow, I'd say living a lie is worse than anything. If someone can't love you for everything you are, can they ever truly love you? Or is it just me, being hopelessly romantic? (Which I am, by the way. Meh... Doesn't always help me see things in the right perspective, of course.)

[beckster]

From personal experience I feel Cindy is spot on !!

It might sound a bit extreme but I won't even let a guy start kissing me now until I have told him.  Yup, it probably spoils some of the fun I could have but I feel it just isn't fair on the guy concerned. 

Also, is it really fair to string this guy along ?  The longer you keep a secret like this from him the more potential there is for it to be a much bigger issue than it needs to be when he finds out.  Also, aren't things like honesty and trust an essential part of any relationship ?  I know how I would feel if someone told me something big like this after we were already in a relationship !!

Becky
xx

[HelenW]

Hi, debisl!

I have to agree with Cindi but I feel that the warning should be stronger.

Tell him right away and make sure you do it over the phone or in a letter or around a lot of other people.  Not alone!!

Too many girls have been beaten and/or murdered in just those circumstances!!

I'm sorry you really like him and you felt that not telling him would be a good idea just so he would not have the chance to reject you.  I can truly understand why you did it this way.  But you have to know that this strategy can very well prove to be fatal for you.  Please tell him and do not string him or anyone else along ever again.

hugs & smiles
helen

[Hazumu]

Guys react violently when they find out they've been 'made' into 'homos'.

Tell him upfront.  If he leaves, you didn't want HIM, there will be others.

Karen

[cindianna_jones]

If you have already fooled around.... kissed, petting, whatever.  Don't tell him.  Watch the Gwen Araujo film if you need to know what I'm talking about.  Let him go as soon as you can.

You do not want a man to feel like you have made him do a homosexual act.  Girls like us die over this sort of thing.

Cindi

[Brianna]

I don't agree with that, neccasarily Cindi. It depends on the boy. And it's not right to judge men out of hand as being violent murderers.

I'd probably do it in a public place like a restraunt. But gods, ending a relationship with a man just because you've made out with him is a little paranoid I think. Most men are intruigued by pretty transsexuals.

Bri

[cindianna_jones]

Bri, you are correct of course.  Gross generalizations are just that.  They don't always apply.

Good judgement is key.  But since when do any of us have our senses when all this is concerned? It was a lack of prudent thinking that got Gwen killed. She had oral sex with some boys.  When they found out, they beat her to death.  Where sexuality is concerned, you must be very careful indeed.

Cindi

[debisl]

I hear what you are saying. I live on a small horse ranch by my self. It is just so nice to get out of the jeans and go to town all dressed up sexy and be with a man. Maybe I should let my friend find the
right guy for me that dosen't care what gender I am now. I hope soon to be a comlplete woman. Everyone in my area already thinks I am woman. That was my plan to move out somewhere where no one knew me. I have started my life over.
Yes I have kissed this guy and he has played with my boobs. That is as far as it has gone. Perhaps I should just cool it. Better to be safe than a dead horse girl.
Thank All
Deb

[cindianna_jones]

Okay... ranch... horses...  Yes Deb. Keep quiet for now.  No, I don't know anything about him. But a rural setting with a cowboy does not give me warm fuzzies.  I too have moved out to a nice rural place. I do have some land and my neighbors are terrific.  I absolutely love them and their wonderful little quirks.  But I will never, ever tell them. And this is California!

Finish up your body project.  You'll feel a lot more comfortable with yourself and your mind will be straight.  You'll be much better prepared mentally to handle the right guy when he comes along.

Cindi

[Brianna]

I still don't agree with that COA.

No one ever has a right to know. They don't. You don't have a right to know everything about someone before you kiss them for gods sake.

Being a transsexual is not an excuse for someone to murder you.

No offense, Cindy - but I have noticed older transsexuals are absolutely paranoid about this kind of thing. It seems like an unreasonable attitude to me. This is 2007, times are changing.

Bri

[Dryad]

I'm with Brianna.

Of course; I don't consider myself a murderous madman. And I think most men aren't. Give em a chance.

But they should know before you make out. If he then replies with: Who cares; he's all yours.

[ssindysmith]

I really don't have a HORSE LOL in this race, Mark and I dated before my transition, he was the one that has encouraged my transition. He might have had some selfish reasons, his company is very homophobic. But I am the one enjoying the out come. He benefits from the stepford wife I have become, but its cool once a month or so I have to play the part. I do have friends that have gone both ways to tell or not to tell, if it were me I would tell ONLY if your serious about this guy and then only in a very public place, you'll have to read him at the time is he having a good day and so on.

[debisl]

I have told him I would like to cool it for a while. You see I live way out in the country. He dosen't have a clue as to where I live. I visit my friend in the city once in a while. She is lesbian. She has been my main support for a while now. She has helped me dress the part, walk the part, and make-up the part. A female is invaluable when it comes to helping you become what is so easy for her. She has 30+ years of experiance behind her. My voice is the only thing that gives me away at times, unless I am very concious of my surroundings. At the ranch I should work on my voice all the time, but I don't. If I am talking to my horses I often talk a little deeper than usual. I guess I do that to incert some force in my commands. I need to stop that. Maybe a female voice might soothe them.
I think I have mastered the look of a woman. I have been working on it a long time now. I can remember as a little boy, wearing panties from the clothes line. Then dressing us as a girl in my teens. It was hard at times. I would sneek over to my suposivley girlfriends house when she was not there and wear her clothes. When I was 20 it was all I could do to keep my identy consealed. I really started dressing full time as a female at 25.
I am very darring. I didn't care who knew what was going on. I wanted to be happy with my self. It took a lot of exersise to gain the right look, but I was determined I was going to be female. My friend has helped a lot.

Deb

[umop ap!sdn]

Don't forget too that there are folks who are perfectly accepting of us but aren't looking to get involved with a pre-op. So in regards to the suggestion of bringing up the subject in conversation, you might get a favorable reaction even from someone who wouldn't be comfortable with the whole story.