Really struggling...

[redgal]

Hi everyone,

So, I introduced myself back in April when my partner of 14 years told me he wanted to transition. I thought I had my head around it somewhat but really I don't at all, or maybe now the changes have begun I am now facing the reality.

Let me make one thing clear first. I love my partner and I want to be with him forever. He is my soul mate ( and he wants to be referred to in the male pronoun for now) and I have no intention of leaving. I understand it all on a theoretical level but in practice it is so very, very hard.

BUT....

I think this is more than I can handle right now. We have just had our second child 4 weeks ago ( our eldest is coming up to 4 years old) and now it seems that things have sped up more for him. So all of it goes on whilst I am looking after baby. Since April: he has started to wear women's underwear; tape himself; started medication to grow his hair; begun voice training; shaved his legs etc; had two treatments of laser to remove his beard/stubble; changed his style of clothing to more feminine but not women's; dressed as a witch for Halloween; bought make-up; lost a huge amount of weight; and changed his style of walking. His plan is to take paternity leave in April for the purpose of seeing the Dr and start hormones (he would have to travel 15 hours to the clinic)....and these are the changes I know about. Is this too fast? It feels like it is.

I know I need to ask him to slow down but to be honest the only pace I feel I can handle right now is a grinding halt...and a permanent one at that. However, I know it doesn`t work like that. I know this is what he needs to do, but it is killing me. I worry for our children. He goes so long without making a change or progress forward and becomes so unhappy and anxious that I feel really sad for him so I tell him it`s okay to take the next step ( and I TOTALLY mean it). When he does he is so much happier as easier to live with but I am miserable and my heart breaks for us and for our little ones....it is so friggin`confusing. I want to support him and do, but it is breaking my heart.

We have been through so much together really, A LOT and I am tired of struggling. I am sad for him and for us. I worry about our kids. I wanted a big family and now we can`t do that. We don`t have enough money for sperm banking but then I see him spend $$$ on laser treatment etc etc and I start to resent everything.

The other thing is that I do not find him attractive and this makes me so sad. I can barely look him in the eye anymore because I feel like I will lose it or fall apart and when he kisses me, I feel just....sad.

I have no-one to talk to about this other than 1 close friend as we have not told anyone. I have no idea who to turn to and how to cope so, if anyone can give me a word or two of advice or a hopeful story, I really would be grateful. I need some hope.

[tmjohnston]

Hi,
  I am new here...just found out this week my boyfriend wants to go through the same process. I know I can't be helpful to you but I want to let you know that you are not alone. I feel the same things too. We are also keeping this quite as well. I also have a daughter, she is not biologically his but he has stepped up over the two years we have been together and she loves him so much. I worry about how she will react and how I will react when I see him wearing women's clothing. I love him so much but I am not sure if I can handle this. Sorry I haven't helped much but knowing that someone else is feeling the same way is somewhat comforting for me and might be for you. I am here to talk...if you need anyone to talk to.

[cynthialee]

I am not only a transsexual, but I am the spouse of anouther trans person.

When we married it was in our birth genders and the idea was to remain so, inspite of the gender conflicts we had. We thought love could see us through the GID.
It didn't. It can not.

When I started my transition it wasn't but a few months and my spouse also started hir transition.
Even though I am transsexual, the idea of my spouse aquireing a male body was not one I liked at all.
I kept my peace and never said anything to hir, as I didn't want to look two faced but it was hard. Very hard.
Hoenstly I can say from personal experiance, it is harder to be the spouse than the transitioner.
Why we made it and are still happily married is not only reliant on our love. There is a sexual component to our relationship like most other married couples. Luckily for us we are both bisexual. Without that I hoenstly do not think we would still be togather. We would probably live togather and be best of friends, but the relationship as a couple would have terminiated. Even though I am bisexual, there were moments I felt like moving on. I married a woman and I wanted to stay married to a woman.

If this is getting to be too much for you then you do have a right to move on.
Keep it amniable if it has to disolve.

You married a person you thought was a man. That person is really a woman, so you actually fell in love with a woman.
It is a messed up situation that you didnt acount for. You couldnt have seen it comeing if your spouse kept this a secret as well as most of us do.

I am sorry I couldn't offer more consoling advice and comfort. My heart goes out to you in this matter.

Good luck.

Cynthia Lee

[JenJen2011]

I hate reading stories like these. I am so so so so so so sorry you're in this predicament. I think we really need to think what we're doing before getting spouses and children involved in this mess.

[Felix]

JenJen I'd be careful implying that people should stay closeted for their spouses and children. I tried that, and I seriously regret it. It didn't help my kid at all to have a repressed and unhappy parent.

I was lucky, though. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years was very accepting and totally unsurprised, and we're not together now but we're good friends.

Beyond mentioning those things, I don't have a clue what to say. I wish you the best of luck, redgal. I saw a play called Looking For Normal about a situation similar to yours. If any theatres near you ever perform it, you should check it out.

[redgal]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am so grateful to have found this forum.

I don't personally feel like this is enough reason to leave.  Don't get me wrong, I can totally understand why that does happen. But for me, I just can't bear the thought of losing him. He is, part of me...it's hard to explain..... but as tough as this gets I know that I will never stop loving him and never stop wanting to be with him in a loving partnership. He has helped me through some really tough struggles to and we are a really solid family ( as in us and our kids) is really important to us - we do a lot together as a family. He has said that if it ever gets to be unmanageable for me that he will stop the process because family is more important to him that anything else. But, is it fair to ask someone to give up being who they truly feel inside? It's so tough.

JenJen - I really appreciate you thinking of me, us,  the significant other and for your understanding...but I do agree with Felix - as much as it is hard for us, I think it would be worse to deny it and hide it away....really it is who you are and you have every right to be who you are in life imho. I think I understand enough  about it that it is not something that one 'does' - but rather something that one 'is'  and everyone has the right to be who they are. I am so happy that he is finally able to become who he truly is.....really I am. I just wish society wouldn't make it so hard because really, that is the problem here I guess. I mean if society had no issues with it and more people transitioned then we wouldn't be finding it so hard and we would ultimately meet our partners as who they really are.

So you see I am so torn. I a find myself looking for books on transgender, fem clothes and beauty products for christmas one minute and the next in tears.... I went with him to his laser appt. the other day ( my way of showing support) but then could not say a word about it afterward; I am unable to talk to him one day and then calmly talk things through the next....one day I hide myself away from society because I am scared of what they think and the next day I am saying to myself that they can accept us or not but whatever........on any given day my feelings change and are all over the place...it's so confusing - and for him too.

I need to be able to handle it better, so that I can role model for the kids. If they see me okay with it, then they will have a much easier time. I just need help in handling it and learning how to be supportive and to talk through my feelings because that really will help. We live in such a small town where there is no counseling. How do I learn to handle this? I wish there was a manual. I guess that is what I am asking...how do I navigate my way through it so that we can still be a family?

Cynthia Lee - thanks so much for your reply. The funny think is that I am bisexual. In fact, I am probably more lesbian than straight. I very rarely find men attractive over women and we talked about this a year ago when I finally came out to him as bi....it wasn't a big deal and we talk openly about it... ( in fact he figured it out before I did!) So, when he told me that he wanted to transition I thought the sexual/attractiveness side of it would be no problem. i mean, I like women too right? But what is completely bizarre is that I am totally mourning the loss of him as a man and as he becomes more fem, I find myself less attracted to him and it is confusing the heck out of me.....I mean, I found him attractive 14 years ago because of his fem qualities and now that they are being more openly expressed I am suddenly finding it off-putting???  None of this makes any logical sense to me and I feel like such a hypocrite.

tmjohnston - Hello to you and welcome. Thanks so much for writing in. It really does help to know that I am not alone, although I am sorry that you are in the same position. It's so tough. I think I'll be on here talking a lot...I wish you luck and strength on this path.


Thank you all for being here.

[Katie138]

Hi,

My partner is an FTM and we live together and have been together for awhile. Sometimes I do have the same thoughts as you and I do really feel selfish for feeling like that, but then I remember that he's probably just as scared too. Because before I met him, I identified as a gay woman, and when we met, I met him as a her. He sometimes struggles with the fact that I find girls attractive and not men, he has so many insecurities that make him think I might leave him for a woman. And honestly, I sometimes think that it would be easier being with a woman. But I could never bring myself to do that. I love him to much, he is my other half and I'll support him with everything he decides to do. I know unfortunately our situations are quite different, but I want you to know that even when it's super tough and even when you feel like giving up, that it will be worth it in the end. Because when you see your partner, finally happy with who they are, then it's all worth the tears and the struggles you know? 

[Ellie Ryan]

Redgal, if you can get a hold of it, the movie Normal is a very good one. I watched it out of curiosity long before my spouse came out to me, and I know in my heart that it was one of the movies that prepared me for all that comes with being the spouse of a trans-lady. For me, it's not so much adjusting to her becoming female (for that I'm like "Whoo-hoo!" because I prefer females anyhow and only married who I thought was a male because I couldn't turn down True Love when I found it, no matter the package!). No, for me the problem is more in learning to deal with other people's intolerance. Right now, Dana is still closeted, so that's not much of a problem. Anyhow... the movie has a lot of stuff in it that I think might help you sort through some of your feelings.

Blessings to both of you on this journey of big changes.

~~E

[Mews]

Redgal I feel for you, I really do. I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend who recently came to terms with being transgender. He's in therapy now and he's not sure if he wants to transition, but it still scares me. I'm bisexual as well, so I feel like a hypocrite for not wanting it. I'm mainly just afraid of the unknown; afraid that I wouldn't be attracted to her, afraid that sex will be difficult or impossible. I still love him more than I've loved anyone, and if I believed in soul mates he would be mine. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here.

[qUiRkY qUeEn]

Hello, Here is my story: I am married to a transwomen (male to female) We have been together for 9 years, my spouse is my soul mate!! About 4 yrs ago my spouse started dropping sutle messages my way regarding her feminity. For a while I thought this was just a faze she was going through and it would go away!! So I ignored it. Then our conversations started getting more indepth and I started getting really confused. First off, I never knew there was anything such as transexual people around. So I did not know what signs to look for. Well eventually, I got pregnant, and my spouse around that same time told me they need to transition to a woman. She told me before we found out, this was EXTREMELY hard for me to understand. I thought we were going to have a family. BUT she felt if she did not start her transition, she would kill herself again this occured before we found out I was pregnant, so long story short, I knew that my spouse NEEDED to start, and she was extremely depressed, scared, emotionally unstable, NO confidence. I could not bear to see her in this much pain AT ALL!!!! The pregnancy was horrible timing. I do not blame my spouse for ANYTHING what so ever, she did not do anything wrong, we made the most difficult choice a couple could ever make, we terminated, she froze her sperm. Now we can focus on her needs and be more at ease throughout this new journey. I am bi sexual. Also I have practically went through most of my grieving process 4 years ago. I am in the accepting stage.

My advise to you would be please if you need your spouse to slow it down a little bit let them know that. Love is rather powerful and can do amazing things. I am MORE attracted to my spouse these days then I ever was. Her essense truly shines now!! She is 6 months on horomones, had 3 treatments of laser hair removal, derma roller treatment (acne scars)

I have told everyone at my work about me being married to Joe but she is going to be a female and EVERYONE has been amazing!! They are really respectful to me and her and do not say "he" anymore and if they do I politly correct them!! About 30 ppl know.. People are more accepting then you would think. I am really happy. I almost lost my spouse and in that has helped me put ALOT of what she is going through in prespective!!!!! I was going to leave her when she stated she was going to make changes. BUT I started doing ALOT of research on transgender and realized these feelings are something she cannot ignore. We love eachother a whole bunch and she has been MY best friend through ALL of my growing pains. Now I am here for hers. We still mourn over the lost of the baby BUT right now my spouses transition in more important. We can adopt if we so choose. I have always been up and down about having a child so this of course since I was pregnant WAS at first hard to muster BUT I have mended rather well and realize if my higher power wants a child in my life they will provide one in my life... If you have any questions or need to talk to someone I will be here for you..