@Beth
He originally had me on 200mg of Seroquel daily along with 60mg of Vyvance. The dosage of Seroquel was continuously upped because it didn't do what it was given to me for which was to help me sleep. Before the last time I saw that shrink I was taking 60mg of Vyvance, and around 800mg of Seroquel and neither of which did anything for me. I would still end up awake for days on end even after taking my meds. The last time I saw him is when he wanted to put me on the 1000mg+ of Seroquel with 3-4mg of Ativan.
I don't think that the shrink really cared too much about my well being though because I later found out that not only can Seroquel be fatal by itself when mixed with amphetamines it can cause death as well from the two mixing together.
He didn't use those words in specific no, but the way he said what he did, and how it came off to me is that was more or less what he was implying. Because whenever I would goto see him it switched from problems in life to weed. That was the only thing at the end of my seeing him that was ever discussed. For example I would go in and he would ask me how my day went so I would tell him and then he would ask me if I still smoke weed and it just went from there.
The amount that I smoke daily has varied, though I didn't start smoking it until I was 17. When I first started it was very little and very rare because I didn't know where to get it or how to get it, as time went on I got some connections and I want to say the summer of '09 is when I started to smoke more because I got more connections and such. Over that summer I would probably smoke anywhere from a bowl up to an eighth or a quarter a day very rarely though someone would throw a party and we would burn through close to probably an ounce in one night but that was very rare and only happened maybe 3 or 4 times a year. When school started back up I wasn't smoking anywhere near what I had over the summer maybe once or twice a week during the weekends I would get together with some friends and we would burn up around a quarter spread over 2 or 3 days. I eventually ended up moving out of town to go live with a now ex with whom I probably smoked a couple bowls every other night or so. This was from Oct '09 - Jan '10. After I moved back I really binged on both marijuana and alcohol. There would be times I would get a couple fifths or a 30 pack or two, drink the majority of it too myself, and smoke probably atleast a quarter every night or sometimes I would be drunk for weeks at a time. This is also around the time that I attempted suicide in April '10, 3 days after my birthday. I went to the mental ward for two weeks and got out and stopped smoking because I thought I was going to have to goto court and drop but maybe a month after I said <not allowed> it and started smoking again. It was again summer and my friends had more money and we would get together more often and smoke probably close to an eight to a quarter a day and every now and again we would party hard and smoke a half to almost an ounce in a night sometimes. Though this was also spread out usually between 5 or 6 people or more. I remember one occasion one of my friends had said it was going to be his last night smoking and so we burned through probably an 1-1.5oz but it was spread between 12-13+ people. Time went on though, and I ended up getting picked up and put on 1 year probation in Nov '10 and stopped smoking once more. Not completely though I would smoke once a month after seeing my PO usually just a joint or a couple bowls with a friend though I started back up again in April of this year. Was smoking usually about an eight to a quarter a day again but split between fewer people now so instead of 5 or 6 it would only be maybe 3 or 4 people and we didn't just smoke at night because before everyone would get together in the evening after around say 8? or so and we would smoke where as now we would spread it out through out the day. For example say we had 4 joints that each contained around 1g of marijuana(another thing is some people became more specific on how much they were smoking) we would smoke one joint in the morning usually after we had all woken up, then wait until the afternoon to smoke anywhere between 12pm - 3 or 4pm, then wait to smoke until later in the evening around 5 or 6pm when people started to get off work which would also increase the number of people there we'd then wait until later at night around maybe midnight or so before we would smoke our 4th joint and then be in bed by 2 or 3am and wake up usually around 8am or so on our own. Though in June my cousin came back into town and me and him binged really hard smoking a half ounce split between the 2 of us in one day. We smoked so much that he would puke everyday because of it, and my chest began to hurt from coughing. Being on probation still I was eventually arrested for absconding as I had not seen my PO since May after she told me that I was probably going to be in jail a week or two later anyway because I didn't have a job so I said <not allowed> 'em and decided to have fun so to speak. Well I eventually was arrested and put into jail from the middle of June until July 27th. After I got out I started smoking yet again but I don't smoke anywhere near what I used to, currently it's usually just me and a friend who will burn through an eight that he buys on Friday when he gets off work and we finish off on Sunday morning or afternoon, sometimes though he has come over during the week and smoked anywhere from a bowl or two up to a joint with me. So as I said I still smoke, but I don't smoke anywhere near what I used to.
I don't so much anymore, as I have a strong aversion to pills that I didn't have a year or two ago.
But I used to hang out with people and they would have something, I would ask what it was, they would tell me, I'd look it up online read a little bit about it, and then take it. Like I said though I have a strong aversion to pills now that I didn't have before. I don't even take ibuprofen because of my aversion to pills.
That is why I didn't graduate though. The school I went to my junior and senior year I fought with so many times. Technically I should have graduated from there my junior year but they ->-bleeped-<-ed me over. Because you are required to take the state tests here to graduate, the day before the state testing they came up to me handed me a piece of paper on which the times to report in to take the test were printed and asked me for my name, looked it up on a list they had, and then asked me if I was going to attend testing the next day to which I answered yes. I went in the next day to take the test and when they told everyone to take a seat at their assigned seats mine was nowhere to be found and so I asked them what was up and they asked me why I was there. So I told the EXACT SAME people who had asked me if I was going to be testing that day why I was there and they denied having ever said that and giving me the piece of paper with the times on it even though I had ahold of it with my name on it in my hand. They had me call my parents that morning to come and get me and I went home pissed as all hell. My mother called the school and talked to the principal who had said he didn't know why I couldn't test that day but that I could come in for the remaining two days and return during make ups to finish the day that I had missed. So again I returned to the school at the same time listed and was asked by those same people what I was doing there. Before I could explain what my mother and the principal had talked about they said that they didn't want to bother my parents again and sat me in a back room and was told I could not leave for any reason except a medical emergency, no one could come into the room teacher or student except for a medical emergency, and that I was to remain there silent until testing was finished for the day. I never got to take the test that year and as such I finished my remaining courses(it was a work at your own pace school) that I had started and added an extra month to month and a half onto my summer. The following year I enrolled once more, and once more they again tried to <not allowed> me over. I had come back down from living with my ex and had a few more credits than before, I first enrolled at the school I had gone too from 1st - 10th grade and had done so with 23.5 credits only .5 of an english credit short of graduation at the BEGINNING of my senior year(I am class of '10). I had personal issues with my teachers including being called a heroin addict, crack head, and meth head because of my sleeping problems(Note: I have not and will never inject/smoke/or consume heroin, crack cocaine, or methamphetamines in any way) and subsequently left the school ti return to the one that had ->-bleeped-<-ed me over before. When I enrolled there again they tried to tell me that I did not have 23.5 credits but rather that I only had 3 and that I would have to make up a lot of progress and work in order to graduate that year. This ->-bleeped-<-ing blew my top, I exploded and told them to <not allowed> off until they corrected this as I had come with transcripts from my last school stating I had in fact 23.5 credits. They called me in the next day and upon going in there they said that they had "misplaced" my transcripts and the only ones they had were from sometime during my junior year which left me at 22.5 credits. I was still pissed about it but having to make up 1 credit beat the hell out of trying to make up almost an entire 4 years of schooling. So I began my school work and finished it shortly there after, they let me take the state tests needed to graduate and assigned me with what they call their Senior Project. This is one large project that every student enrolled receives their senior year and is required to graduate. It does not count as a credit for any class but like I said is required to graduate. It was a 15-20 page essay about a career you were interested in, and required sources and the like. It also required a 30+ slide Powerpoint about the career, atleast a 30 minute presentation to accompany the slide show, a display that was to be set up to accompany that as well which was to include things you would need at the job and such so for example if someone did a cook they would bring in pots and pans. There were a few more things that I had to do as well that I can't think of off the top of my head. I have never been good at research papers, I have always had to have someone help me with them and walk me through them because I have never been able to do it on my own before. During a social sciences class I took we had to do a research pamphlet on an STD of our choice and I had to be walked through that by the teacher and that was during my sophomore year and was nowhere near as much as the senior project I was being asked to do. I chose to do a tattoo artist as it was something that I really wanted to do, but one of the requirements was that you must have atleast 5 sources from the internet, and atleast 5 from books. I looked and looked and could not find a single book in any of the libraries on becoming or even being a tattoo artist. So I tried to turn to someone for help because I could not do the project on my own. I asked my parents and they told me to go do it myself because they had to when they didn't know how to do something and if I didn't learn how to do it then damn doesn't that suck for me? I asked a few friends and they took me to a tattoo shop, but I didn't get much farther than that there because they were busy, and the artist himself was busy as well and had no time to help me. So I spent my entire time to do this project trying to figure out how to do it on my own but was never able to get everything that they wanted and gave up on it 2 weeks before it's due date after being given the entire YEAR to figure out how to do it and get it done.
I would blast through my homework though, I could start a paper that had say 25-40 questions on it and have them finished in the time a joint could be smoked, take it to school, and get a perfect score on it. At the end of everything I had 24.5 credits that they recorded. 22.5 of them being acquired prior to my senior year. Only 12 of those came from the first high school i went too, 6 for freshman year, and 6 for sophomore year. Meaning during my junior year which was split between the two schools, the first half at the first school where I received no credits that year, and the last half at the other where I accumulated 10.5 credits in less than half a year.
And it does allow me to think straight. When I have nothing in my system and I'm sober my thoughts are everywhere I can't focus on anything for ->-bleeped-<-.
They move through my head at a mile a minute, and go every which way like shrapnel from a hand grenade, I often times find myself repeating what I say whether I realize it or not if it's unintentional and have been called out for that several times, I cannot sit still and have to constantly be in motion, I am easily side tracked and distracted and when I come back to what I was doing it takes me a few minutes to collect myself back into it and then several more minutes to even remember where I was at, I am the ADHD kid to the extreme, and I am clinically diagnosed with the condition.
Sober you give me work to do and my mind explodes trying to figure out what to do, when I'm high it allows me to put things together in my head. Now I admit that I do space out from time to time when I'm baked, but who doesn't? When I space out though my mind isn't empty and blank, its filled with thoughts that now instead of flying around at a mile a minute are being processed and run through at a mile a minute, it's basically very deep thought for me because I have spaced out when I'm sober but my brain is never working the same way then as when I've just smoked and it only stays that way very briefly for a split second while sober and then everything explodes once more into a frenzy that I can't comprehend.
20mg of Adderall does nothing to help me, all it does is leave a nasty taste in my mouth like all pills do(this is why I have a strong aversion to them because that taste simply doesn't go away no matter what I do)
As I said I did abuse it quite a lot before I knew anything about it as me and a friend would use it to stay up all weekend when I would go see her because we didn't get to see each other very often.
So it had not been my first time taking Adderall and I had switched from Vyvance to Adderall XR so I was already taking Adderall just not the instant release tablets.
I didn't want 120mg of Adderall a day because that'd simply be overkill and way to much for me in my opinion, in which case I would agree then that all I wanted to do was get high, but like I said I did not want 120mg of Adderall. I had found 60-80mg in the morning to do what it was supposed to do and have it last me ALL day which eliminates the need for another dose at some point in time which would have suited me fine but nobody would ever listen to me on that one. Like I have said so many times before I don't care for pills they're not my big thing that I'm into because I hate the taste they leave in your mouth, all I wanted was to be able to goto school, be able to do my work, and come home. If I wanted to get high I'd smoke some weed not pop some pills.
My record consists of an OUI, a trespass charge, Driving with no ops, MIP, and an Attempted Resist and Obstruction. All are misdemeanors.
The OUI I caught after my suicide attempt failed, I was sober at the time of entering the vehicle, and operating it, but failed a drug screening while in the ER as I had smoked a bit 2 weeks prior, also picked up the Driving with no ops charge because I did not and do not have a driver's license. Was arrested for it in Nov '10.
The trespass I caught when I had been stuck somewhere and was in need of a ride. One of my friends and his brother came to pick me up but before he could take me to where I wanted to go his brother wanted to head down to the marina and look at a boat he was interested in and had told me it was fine because he had asked the owner of the boat and gotten permission and he worked down there(later found out he was just a volunteer there). So I went with thinking everything was fine and cleared as being ok. We go down there and he begins looking at the boat and such and then walking around to look at the other boats that are there(not climbing in them just looking at them). The time he chose to do this was ridiculous as it was around 10 at night when we got there and around 2 in the morning when the police arrived. While we're looking around someone called the police on us and they showed up and began asking us questions such as if we had taken anything(we hadn't), what we were doing down there(told them the truth because we really were there just to look at the boats), and told us that we were being charged with trespassing. I hadn't thought anything about what we were doing because I though I could trust my friends brother(being as he had his own place, a job, married, fresh out of the navy, no criminal record, etc) but goes to show how smart I am.
The MIP I picked up the second time I was arrested as I failed to blow .00 at the time of the arrest but was not drunk think I only blew a .01 - .02 or lower but I'm considered a minor when it comes to alcohol so I caught a charge. I also caught the RO that night as well as I had been sleeping, and anyone who knows me will tell you not to touch me while I'm asleep. From what I was told later the police had gone over to where I was sleeping and shook me to attempt to wake me up, when that failed they sat me up and shook me, when that didn't work(I may have problems going to sleep but when I do goto sleep it is very hard to wake me up. ) they attempted to stand me on my feet and the result was one of them received a punch square in the face from me in my sleep. I do have a past history of being violent in my sleep when people try to wake me up, there are several friends that have received black eyes, split lips, and bloody noses from doing just that, trying to wake me up.
I have no felonies though, and I am not involved in any gangs or gang activities. So there is my record and the reasons why I caught each of the charges.
I do not slur my speech and have often times been applauded for how articulate my speaking is. I have always been hyper since I was little, my eyes have always had a glazed look to them since even elementary and middle school(I was asked before I even knew what drug use was if I was high, to which I asked what that meant because I honestly didn't know as I was only 14 or 15, and no I didn't know what drugs were at that point in time of my life I had been that sheltered by my parents), I often dart my eyes around a room because I feel strange and uncomfortable looking straight at someone when speaking to them so I always try to look at things behind them but never focus on anything because I feel dead when I do, I'm not sure how to respond to the paranoia because I would need more clarification as to what you mean by it, and I have looked inattentive since I was little again and was often times yelled at by whatever teacher who thought I wasn't paying attention whether I was or not.
I don't need a constant fix aside from a cigarette and I'm trying to quit that one so as to be able to live my life without the need to HAVE to consume something, and aside from cigarettes I have no other drug or substance that I "need" to have. Don't really need the cigarettes either I just think I do because I have yet to cut the addiction from me.
Yes I admit at one point in time I played with pills, but I don't do that anymore, my drinking has almost all but ceased, the only thing I do now is smoke marijuana on occasion and far less so than what I used to.
@Jessi
I don't think I said 5 months? If I did then that would have been a typo and should have been 1.5 which would be my mistake.
I'm not exaggerating, I may not have the exact details correct all the time but they are as close as I can get them to the best of my knowledge.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Because the situation that I am in is of my own doing which I do understand as when it comes down to it all the final choices are mine to make no one else's.
I posted my original post with no intentions of ever seeing anyone bother to read and respond to it, and having it be simply a post that I would use over and over again to vent my frustrations and to allow me someplace to get everything out.
I will not try to claim to my life being as terrible as the things you shared with me about what happened to you when you were my age.
But I will claim that I don't know what I'm doing or where to go from here or where to turn or who to turn to,
and that what I do want is someone to talk to who will help me try to figure things out so I can actually live rather than simply exist.
And if your meaning of logged is that I logged off, I have not.
I have been on this entire time.
I've been typing this message, why would you think I logged out?
I actually like being on here and talking to the people here...
