How to deal with parents who aren't accepting?

[Jayne]

I only told my mother 7 months ago about transitioning & since then she's been trying to fill my head with doubts, these are a few of the more devious/spitefull things she's tried:

I wont be able to transition because of my eczema

I shouldn't transition because i'll be an ugly woman

My depression caused by losing my dog means that i've made the wrong choice with my life & should give up this silly notion

She feels like she's losing a son

The latest & possibly the lowest shot so far is that she told me that she probably wont be able to face me when changes start happening.

I've been considering my options with her, part of me says I should just keep biting my lip until she comes around but another part of me keeps saying that it may be best that when I start HRT I should refuse to see her until the transition is complete, I would still speak to her over the phone but considering her state of mind (& her most recent comment) it may make it easier if she doesn't see me for a few years, i'm worried that if she sees small, slow changes then she may not ever accept my transition but if the first time she sees me as female i'm 100% female (or as close as I can get) then she may accept it better.

I've tried to approach the subject but she refuses to discuss this for more than a minute at a time.
In spite of what she's said recently I still love her, also because of arguments & death my family has shrunk down to just my mother & brother & it's horrible to know you have family in the world who want nothing to do with you.

What would you all do in this situation?

[mowdan6]

Hi Jane.  I know the turmoil you are dealing with.  It's not an easy choice.  Back in 2003 when I came out to family, my mom and middle sister wanted nothing to do with me.  I made the hard choice to go ahead with my transition, knowing for myself, it was a matter of life or death.  My mom and I started talking on the phone 2 years ago.   After so many years, my Mom is ready to see me.  i've told her it will have to be in a public place as I will not deal with her emotional manipulation. 
At the same time, my middle sister would have nothing to do with me.  She passed away last year.  and, even on her death bed, refused to see me or even talk with me on the phone. 
It never ceases to amaze me that, the ones that should love and support us most, sometimes, refuse to be there at all.  Not sure if this helps.  It really boils down to an individual choice and doing what you know...you have to do. 

[justmeinoz]

You are offering them unconditional love Jane.  Your Mum is the one refusing it, so you have done what you can.  The ball is in her court now.
Maybe when she sees that you are real and not an image of how she wants you to be, she will be able to accept the situation, and may regret the time she lost getting to know you.

Karen.

[Taka]

being a parent is more of an obligation than a right. many don't get this and think that their children are there to make them happy, when the actual case is that parents are there to make the children happy

what i'm trying to say with this is, don't feel bad about having to cut all contact with your mother in order to become happy. if she can't help you on your way to happiness, then you have no obligations towards her because she isn't acting like a parent should act (at least in my opinion). hopefully she will come to understand you better in the future

[Jayne]

I've been thinking about this almost non stop today at work, my job is such a no brainer that I can do that  Once i've moved into my new place & got my broadband connected i'm going to insist that my mum comes round for an evening for a chat. I'm planning on showing her every medical report I can find, I think her problem is that she thinks this is a choice, I need her to realise that I chose to try & ignore this condition but couldn't live with that choice.
Maybe I can educate her & get her to change her preconcieved ideas

[Cen]

In that situation?  Well, my mom already tries to lay the guilt and doubt on thick because I am not Christian.  In either case I find it insulting, which is part of why I'm not wasting time coming out to her.  My basic view is that if my parents can't accept who I am, who needs them?  No need to subject yourself to unnecessary harm if they refuse to come around.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Jane,
I'm so sorry to hear you are having so much trouble. I believe you have the right attitude and you are aware of people trying to pull you down. Keep up the good work, you'll definitely make it to the end.
Without being rude or prying, where is your eczema? I'm becoming quite concerned at the moment as I've had psoriasis in the groin area since I was 8, and still do. I don't know whether its operable  for this type of operation, as it's the tissue that will create the vagina; and nobody seams to be telling me whether they can or can't.
And just remember, you can't change anybody's mind, they have to change it for themselves.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[Felix]

My family are not healthy or accepting. I think it's absolutely fine to cut off or minimize contact with people who make you feel bad, especially in a time of such change.

[Jayne]

Hi CatherineSarah, my eczema is on most areas af my body, the worst areas right now are my forearms/wrists, stomach, lower back (where jeans/tracksuit bottoms rub), legs (all over) & face (due to shaving).

I get occasional drying out of my genitals but fortunately this only lasts for a day or two whilst the dry layer flakes off & only happens once or twice a year at the most, I don't know what effect this may have in SRS but i'm hoping/praying that it wont cause a problem.

As you've had this since 8 then you should definately see a dermatologist as skin problems down there can be aggravated by the heat of clothing, try to avoid underwear with elastic as this is bad for the skin, if your underwear has elastic then make sure the elastic is not in direct contact with your skin, also try to find natural fibre underwear, i've only found out in the last few weeks that lacy underwear is great for keeping cool even if it can be awkward to wear when you still have male bits, I tried 5 pairs of knickers before I found one that could contain my bits without parts of me slipping out & getting trapped when I sit down (very painfull!!)

I wish you all the best with your skin as I know all too well how painfull it can get. If you have any questions then feel free to send a pm

[jamiejo]

Your mother needs to see a therapist or counselor (no offense).

When I told my parents I pre organized counseling sessions, because they needed it for the shock, to grieve, learn, understand and to love again.  They accepted me from the beginning but they really need this help. 

I'm lucky I have a tight relationship with my family, which really helps with transition.

Good Luck,
Jamie

[Jayne]

jamiejo, no offence taken (i'm very hard to offend)

I don't know if my mum would consider counseling at the moment it's hard to get her to talk about this for more than a minute at a time, i'm in no doubt that she is too stubborn to go to a counselor although it's something i'm looking into.

I'm tempted to point out to her that when she got divorced in my teenage years I thought she was making the worst possible decision for her life but I kept quiet about my reservations, then when she met my stepdad I was convinced that she was compounding the mistake, now that i'm older I can see that this was due to the fact that my stepdad moved in within 1 year of my parents seperating & I hadn't adjusted.
Apart from 1 fight with my stepdad I kept my feelings to myself about this whole matter as I believed that she had the right to make her own decisions.

I'm now thinking of pointing this out that at 16 yrs old I was mature enough to keep my negative opinions to myself, at the age of 60ish she should be mature enough to respect my choice as I respected hers because I eventually realised that she had made the best decision about her life (I have loads more respect for my stepdad than my biological father) & I hope that some day she will come to the same conclusion about my choices.

When the testosterone takes over & I feel full of anger towards the whole world i'm tempted to point out that she has often been selfish in her pursuit of happiness, she seperated from my father 1 yr before my GCSE exams & the stress caused me to royaly screw up my future, she got rid of my dogs 4 months before announcing the seperation & blamed it on my excema (something i've never fully forgiven after 20 yrs).
She moved my stepdad into our family home & told me & my brothers that if we didn't like it then we could move out.

She kicked me out at 17 for fighting with my stepdad after he told me that he hadn't slept with my mum whilst my parents were married but he moved in before the divorce came through (so my parents were still married whilst he shared a bed with my mum), I have also seen proof that she both my parents were sleeping with other people whilst married. I didn't fight my stepdad because he was sleeping with my mum, I did it because he lied to me even though I gave him achance to walk away or be honest with me.

My mother can be very single minded & controlling, this is the largest part of the problem as she thinks I can still be controlled at 36 & she will use any means to try & control me.

[jamiejo]

Pick your battles, Win the war!!!

It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  So I would give your mother some separation and move on with your transition and life.  If she wants back in, let her come to you.  It's time to remove the negative influences from your life (sorry tough love).

Time to focus on the positives.....YOU!!!

[Bird]

My parents are completely non-accepting as well Jane. My mother has went so far as to tell me that I am dead to her.

As tough as it is, you must either move on with your transition or quit. Most often, quitting is not a option for us, so you move on. Remove the negative influences from your life, get financially and emotionally independent and transition.

It is what I am doing.

[Jayne]

Just a quick update, i'm on my exes laptop & she's very fond of my mum & quick to defend her so i'm typing quickly before she gets nosy & reads it 

My Mum, stepdad & brother turned up friday to help me move, we had arranged that it would be done over 2 days, as soon as she stepped through the door she started complaining that the packing wasn't 110% complete & I reminded her that I would do the rest later that day when they had gone & she told me that it would all have to be done that day, cue slight argument.
I decided to walk away from the argument until we had calmed down, me & my brother took the first load over & almost as soon as we got back she confronted me by saying that I was in a mood with her, I hadnt calmed down & gave her a mouthfull about how she has to take over & control everything & that after the things shes said recently she was becoming a vile spitefull B####. She responded that I was only saying this to get out of paying her back money owed (£375, hardly worth destroying my relationship with her for )
She threatened to walk out so I told her she was welcome to until she started to accept what i'm going through, she didn't take me up on the offer which is a good sign, when the last load got to my new place she left within minutes (she normaly insist on unpacking & laying my new place out the way she wants it) maybe she took in what I said about her being controlling.

The worrying thing is that almost a week later she hasnt phoned, normaly she would pester me by the second day to make sure everything was sorted.
I cant phone her because im skint & my phone isn't connected until this saturday so she may be licking her wounds & thinking about what was said or she may be refusing to speak to me (she probably thinks she'll extracct an apology from me)

So there you go, i'm out of touch with the world (phone & internet) until saturday & in the dark with my mother.
I'll let you know what happenes when my internet/phone is connected

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Jane,
Thanks for the update. I'm pleased most things went well. I know your Mum is important to you, and I'm pleased you stood your ground. But I'm also mindful of the positive energy, controlling people can draw out of you; which could end up being detrimental. Use this free time from your Mum to your advantage. Hopefully she is learning she can no longer maintain a controlling interest over you. Keep up the good work and your great attitude. Hear from you soon. Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine