When Haters are "Loved Ones"

[Constance]

So after seeing yet another FB post from an aunt who's conservative who knows I'm trans* (and has a gay son), I asked my cousin how he deals with it when someone close to him goes into a tirade about how awful the politicians and candidates who support our rights are, when they even extol the virtues of those pols who are against us.

Some of the things I hear from various relatives make my blood boil, and I'm uncertain how I should proceed. Part of me things I should read them the riot act. I've been silent for too long, and it's wearing on me. I feel like my silence is a betrayal of sorts.

My cousin replied, somewhat thusly:

How do I deal and how should you?  My advice is.... get a reputation.  When something or someone conservative pisses me off, I get so vitriolic at the incredible dumb-___ b______t these ____ers have to say that everyone who knows me knows not to watch Fox News or listen to talk radio anywhere near me.  I am very open and vocal about how ____ing stupid they are, and rather than listen to me foam at the mouth, people simply avoid anything political.  Let your opinions be well known, because obviously you have a right to say them, since you ARE right, and closed minded, sexist anti gay ____ers should all be rounded up and shot.

I'm beginning to think he might have a good idea, although I never said anyone should "be rounded up and shot." That's what my dad says about people like me. And people like my ex-wife. And people like our kids. In fact, that's what he says about most of those whom I love.

I've tried the "still small voice," but that's seem to get very far.

What do you, my boardmates, do in these situations?

[Sarah Louise]

Its a lost cause Connie, fighting with family (or friends) about politics will never help.  You can't win.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have not had that problem.  Except for my ex, and she solved it by selling the house and we split up.

But I do have a plan in place.  If someone says something derogatory to or about me, I will simple look at them and call them for what they are.  "Bigot!"

I was surprised that my middle son is accepting, especially seeing he is Mormon.

I will not argue my life or how I live it.  Your bigotry stops at 4 feet from me.

[suzifrommd]

What do you, my boardmates, do in these situations?

Connie Anne, it's a tactic of many right wing folks to slip offensive statements casually into conversation. If you call them on it, it makes you look uptight and persnickety. If you don't, you feel like you've been steamrolled. Still not sure what to do about this myself, but it really steams me.

Your cousin's idea seems to work for him, but for me it won't work because I don't want to offend anyone or make anyone uncomfortable so I don't feel comfortable putting my opinions in people's faces until they ask.

Doesn't work either to point out logically how they are wrong. Logic doesn't work in the face of hate.

Using religion against them might help. "What would Jesus think about lining up and shooting people?" "If gay and trans people are so awful, why did God make them that way?" "Jesus said 'love thy neighbor'. What makes you so sure He was making an exception for trans folks?"

Keep an arsenal of those, and fire one back each time an offensive statement comes your way.

[Devlyn]

Uppercut, then a leg sweep. Once they're on the ground, you can finish them. Oh my! Did I say that out loud? Sorry! Hugs, Devlyn

[Constance]

My cousin's idea is like fighting fire with fire. No, it's more like fighting fire with gasoline.

I'm tired of keeping silent. It does me no service and I feel like it's a betrayal to those I love who are being demeaned and dehumanized. The last time I challenged my dad and younger brother, they (of course) got angry at me for speaking up.

Blargh.

[crazy old bat]

Personally, I simply remove them from all parts of my life. If they hate, they aren't really loved ones in my book and I want no part of it. I actually told my aunt(my father's only sibling) that I was done with her the night he died because she was more hateful than sorry that he passed away, in fact, in the almost ten minute "conversation" with her, she never once expressed any condolences, concern for him or me and my siblings. I know he would have been proud of me for it too. I have not spoken to her since and the one little card from her and her spawn was never acknowledged. Your life is for you to live, not for others to fill with hateful garbage, its best to just step away and let them wallow in it if they choose to live their life that way.

I do think its a good idea to calmly state why you are walking away from them though.

[Constance]

Part of my reluctance to walk away is that I don't want to upset my mom. I don't want her caught in the middle of my struggle with my dad and younger brother.

[Natkat]

my reaction really depends on the folks I know,
some people just strange or kinda naive to the subject, I excuse there ignorance alittle more, than people who simple do have a clear mind of the stuff but just refuse to understand or try to understand anything.

[BillieTex]

My dad has said people like us should be put in a concentration camp and basically left to die! Needless to say I have never come out to family, its not worth it. Besides it's better to be better than they are not be like them - hatefull.