http://www.equalitync.org/resources/ncYou are an amazing woman to be so accepting. I came out to my wife several years ago and it blew up in my face. So I am back into hiding. It took a ton a strength for him to come to you. The two of you have to be able to sit down and talk about it. Both of you need to do a lot of reading so that both parties completely understand what she (preferred proper pronoun) is going through. Something I've read from a casual acquaintance who is Transgendered but not had surgery, is that She and her very accepting wife have "Blue Days" and Pink Days". Days when the wife knows that when she comes home she may find her husband "en femme" obviously the Pink Days. They have agreed that when they go out as a couple, they go out as man and wife. Boundaries need to be set. Wants and needs need to be addressed from both parties. Demanding a lesbian relationship first of all is a long ways away for the simple fact that your husband has several years to go before he can have SRS. He has a period that he has to have Hormone Replacement Therapy, he has to seek out a Psychiatrist who will grill him up one side and down the other to determine if SRS is really what his mind (and body) is after. There are a number of requisites that have to be met to qualify as Gender Dysphoria and not some other condition.
In the United States, the American Psychiatric Association permits a diagnosis of gender identity disorder if the four diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4thEdition, Text-Revised (DSM-IV-TR) are met. The criteria are:
Long-standing and strong identification with another gender
Long-standing disquiet about the sex assigned or a sense of incongruity in the gender-assigned role of that sex
The diagnosis is not made if the individual also has physical intersex characteristics.
Significant clinical discomfort or impairment at work, social situations, or other important life areas.
If the four criteria are met under the DSM-IV-TR, a diagnosis is made under ICD-9 code 302.85. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10) list three diagnostic criteria:
Transsexualism (F64.0) has three criteria:
1.The desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to make his or her body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatment
2.The transsexual identity has been present persistently for at least two years
3.The disorder is not a symptom of another mental disorder or a chromosomal abnormality
Uncertainty about gender identity which causes anxiety or stress is diagnosed as sexual maturation disorder.
http://brandnewdaycounseling.com/ Is a Psychiatrist based in Hickory, NC who has an office there but primarily works online. I have spoke to her a few times but not in a counseling sense yet. Money is tight.
Back to your husband. Is he dressing en femme for work? He still has to report to someone occasionally, is he presenting to them as feminine? If he isn't, he's not TOO serious about this rapid transition. There is no such thing as waking up with boobs and a vagina. However, I understand the need to express "herself". I have been "underdressing", wearing panties for the better part of the year and recently began wering a bra under t-shirt and long sleeve to school (ITT Tech/ Charlotte South) for about 5 weeks. A padded bra is just enough for us sense having breasts but not so much that people are going to say anything because they aren't sure. Side note: I didn't wear a top shirt Thursday, just a floppy long sleeve and a big black guy asked me after I passed if they were fake. I pretended like I didn't think he was talking to me. Shaving underarms and legs will also help alleviate some of his anxiety.
I came out to my wife before by asking if she would teach me the art of make up. This could be part of your agreement with your husband, part of your willingness to help him with this BUT with a condition. Whatever you would ask of him... Don't be running around theyard in you (or his) lingerie for example.
Are the two of you the same size? Could you share clothes or would he require his own wardrobe? He shouldn't out dress you in the wardrobe department. See how comfortable he is is the women's departments by himself, a dose of reality being the focus of attention in the perceived wrong department may slow his drive. If not, go to the mall with him in his male clothes and wander through the women's department admiring, criticizing and making fun of todays fashion. Help him understand fashion...that's a big one. I wish I had a GGBFF (GG= genetic girl, BFF=best friend forever) to help me with these things. I had to leave my GGBFF in Missouri when we moved in July to be closer to my wife's family. The bills and family should ALWAYS come first when it comes to her getting clothes or makeup or whatever. I have a How-To for some fake breasts if you are interested. Just private message me. I know this letter is kinda scattered and you may wondering why I haven't moved forward with my own transition with all this information. I am 38 years old and came to understand what my sense of self had been trying to tell me, too late in life. Now I have a two year old daughter and I just can't bear the idea of not getting to watch her grow up. The law says she can't be taken away from me or deny me access to her, but I hate the idea of hurting others for my own wellbeing. I don't know how much research you have done on the subject but you will find out about the 50% Rule... There's two actually from what I've read. 50% of Transgendered people have had at least one suicide attempt by age 20. The other is that 50% of TG's succeed by age 30.
I learned a new word the other day in regards to TransWomen. It describes a male who transitions to female and prefers women. A Transbian...
I thought it was funny. Anyway, hope this helps some. Like I said, Private Message me if you like, we can talk more. I'm sure I'll think of something else and if you have any questions, no matter how private, feel free to ask. If I don't know an answer I will help you find it. It will probably help me as well. Much love, Hugs, LanaB
