Advice, please

[JR15]

Hello, I'm new here.

These past days have been so hard, I have been thinking and questioning so much about my sexuality and how I see myself, which are reoccurring thoughts. I have never been feminine in my eyes or in my head, maybe have dressed like it and acted as so but just to please my family and friends. Since I was young I always preferred dressing as a boy and acting as one, mostly keeping it to myself. Often played scenarios in my head of me being a boyfriend or a husband to a lady. Since middle school I have questioned my sexuality. I am 21 now and still doing the same, but have started dressing as a male in private. No one knows about this, my family nor friends.  I have always felt like I should have been a male. I think about it often. I get into depressed periods thinking about this and asking when it'll get easier. Recently I have researched about an ftm transition and I'm uncertain of how realistic that might be in my future financially. Often get let down of these doubts I have, contemplated and prayed to God to just take me away. I don't know if I could continue living like this. I'm unhappy. Really needing some advice, help and some opinions.

Thank you

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the site Frann 

It looks like you're in the right place. There is an introduction section somewhere on the forum if you would like to introduce yourself later. For now I don't have a whole lot of advice. Transition, if it is the path you feel you need to follow, can be overwhelming just like other things in life. At first it can seem impossible. I mean therapist, doctor, hormones, surgery... it does seem financially impossible. But try not to get to overwhelmed and take it one step at a time.

The best start might be coming out if you are ready but if you feel you need therapy then start there. Try to find a therapist. If you have insurance go for it, if not try to find a sliding scale therapist. I had to. If you feel you want to start hormones and you don't need therapy try to find a doctor who will help you. Everyone is different with their first steps and not everyone decides hormones, surgery, or therapy are right for them. But first I suggest just taking a long look around here. There are some very helpful guys and girls around the forum who might have already posted something about themselves that could help you out.

Susans has some great resources listed in the reference library and T-vox is a good site too. Now, I feel like I've talked too much so I'll stop typing now, sorry. I'm sure some of the other awesome forum people will be around to welcome you soon and the mods will be around to post some links that will answer some of your questions about the site, like when you can create an avatar and when you can see peoples profiles.

[Vincent E.S.]

Hello! Welcome to susans.

I'm going to try to keep this post short, since I've noticed that I have a habit of rambling on and creating really long posts, and I don't want to kill your eyes or anything with a huge wall of text.

Anyway, like Andrew said, everyone's journey is different. My personal advice would be to first find a therapist you feel comfortable talking to. It may take a few tries, but don't let yourself get down. If you don't mesh well with one therapist, don't force yourself to keep going to that person, find someone else. I ended up going to three different people before I found the one I have now, and will continue to have during my transition. Keep in mind, though, that it may be better to search for someone who has at least some experience with transgender people. If you can't find anyone in your area, there are ways you can do online, or over-the-phone therapy. I personally don't have information about that, though. I found that the therapists who aren't connected to a large hospital or corporation of some sort are the best for me. Also, those private therapists seem to have cheaper bills (mine in $30 per session, in person), which is good since my insurance doesn't cover any mental health stuff. Therapy will help you figure out whether this is the right path for you, and also can help you deal with any other problems, not to mention the fact that many physicians and surgeons require a note from a therapist (if you decide to pursue hormone therapy and/or surgery).

The next thing I would suggest is to start wearing more masculine women's clothing or unisex clothing in your daily life, rather than just in private, if your not doing so already. Nowadays, it's pretty common for women to wear masculine clothing, so your friends/family shouldn't find it too strange. Most people close to you have probably already picked up on the fact that you're not a supremely feminine creature. Once you feel comfortable enough, you can just wear men's clothing all the time. Also, if you don't bind already, consider getting a binder (in your size). It may help you feel better.

Good luck! 

Edit: After all that, I ended up with a long post. Good grief.  Sorry.

[Lynn]

I'm glad Vincent and Andrew have already posted, because now I can just refer to their posts without having to write a wall of text myself (which I tend to do as well)!

Welcome to the forums, you will surely find lots of support and information here!