Mixed emotions and this hole I'm digging __ UPDATE

[Sharky]

So tomorrow I have my first doctor appointment to start T. I've been waiting for this for so long and can't wait for my first shot. I I'm so excitedfor it. But the only reason why I'm starting T is because I'm lying to my whole family. I told them I'm going to the doctor's for pcos. My grandmother my saw right through this so she is giving me the cold shoulder. The my grandfather, and who is giving me a ride said he would be deeply hurt if i was lying, and my mom called to question, but seems to be giving me the benefit of the doubt. My grandparents raised me and I know they would never kick me out. I I just feel like I'm taking advantage of them, especially my grandfather. Got to do what I have to for self preservation. I can not go on with out T. Itsnot fair and it sucks what I'm doing but so is being trans. It seems like I can never do anything without lying, and cheating, and or stealing. The and when I do people end up doing me favors, breaking rules for me, with out me asking anyway.

Update
I officially came out to my grandfather. I told him in the least "scary" way I could think of. My mother told him that the clinic was only for GLBT people and that I wanted to become a man. Informed him that because I hate being a woman I am considered transgender, that transgender means you transcend gender norms. I said that it was for LGBT people and that I have to go there because I face discrimination when I go to regular doctors. That they treat me like a baby making machine. He understood that. He was surprised to hear that they give me ->-bleeped-<- for not being feminine and having body hair. He concluded that they probably feel betrayed like my mother and grandmother. He asked me if I really was going there to have a sex change or for PCOS. I said my primary reason was for PCOS, but that they have therapists there that help people with gender identity disorder. I also said that I couldn't say I would never want a sex change or that the patient doctor relationship I'm establishing will never be used for a sex change. He said that therapy would be a good idea. I was surprised since my mom and grandma was always against it because they thought a therapist would push me to transition. He said if I was a young teen he would think that, but I'm one of the smartest people he knows and he knows other people can't push opinions on me. That ignoring it wasn't solving anything and I am fully able to make my on decisions. Here's the bummer, he said if I decided to have a sex change that I would have to move out. He doesn't see how I could do it here, that it would cause too much tension. I asked him if he would want nothing to do with me if I had a sex change and he said that he loves me and he doesn't see that changing and he would still want to be part of my life. I don't see how much more tension it could cause. My mom and grandma are mad at us. My grandma isn't talking to either of us, but she frequently does that. So I don't know, we'll see what happens. My first appointment went well, second one is  in about a month.

[Sharky]

There's alot of typos because my phone keeps adding crap

[Joeyboo~ :3]

*hugs*

[R.A.A]

Like you said, you gotta do what you gotta do for self-preservation. If that means lying to them, then so be it. It's alright to feel at least a little bit guilty but I wouldn't beat myself up over it. You are who you are and in a perfect world no one would have to lie about it, but this world ain't perfect and neither are we. So have fun finally getting on with the T and good luck to you, dude. I'm rootin' for ya. :]]

[insideontheoutside]

The thing is, and I think you know this, is that the truth will come out. It seems a number of your family already kind of know the truth. Why not, instead of beating yourself up about it, just get it over with. If you've decide to move forward and medically transition, they will know. Why not just be up front with them?

[Sharky]

The thing is, and I think you know this, is that the truth will come out. It seems a number of your family already kind of know the truth. Why not, instead of beating yourself up about it, just get it over with. If you've decide to move forward and medically transition, they will know. Why not just be up front with them?

My family does know, they also know I want to medically transition. They are all very against it. they don't even want to talk about it. When ever there is any sort of issue they rather sweep it under the rug rather than deal with it. When I was 14 and wanted to kill myself they refused to get me help because they thought the therapist would want me to transition. I can't support myself right now. I I work but make minimum wage and go to school full time. I guess I will drop out next semester so i can work more and save money. I honestly don't know how I will survive working more than 20 hours a week. I get so tired at just 16. Sometimes it gets so bad I can't even remember basic things, and will have a hard time understanding stuff, will have trouble talking and half my body will go numb. I've gone to the hospital and they can't find anything wrong.

[JohnAlex]

I'm in a similar boat as you.  Very unaccepting family.  My grandparents take care of me.  I've been wanting to start T, but I'm afraid if they found that I'm trans.  I'm sure they would kick me out, but I could live with my aunt and uncle, still not accepting, but they wouldn't kick me out.
So I was so close to starting T, but then I backed out because a few friends I talked to told me not to do it because it was too big of a risk.  But it's all I can think about it.  It's driving me crazy, and that's how I know what I got to do.  I think I'm going to gather back up the courage again and start T.  Because I got to stop living for other people and start living for myself.

Yes, it's true that my grandparents are doing me a favor by taking care of me, but think about it, they're not living for me.  Why should I live for them? 
When I say "living for someone" I just mean that their life comes before mine.  But no, from now on, I decided that my life comes first.
That doesn't mean I got to be totally selfish.  I still help out anyone when I can, but not ever to the degree that it prevents me from living my life.
This is my new life philosophy.  Someone does me a favor like saving my life does not mean that I owe my life to them.  It simply means I owe them a favor as simple as the effort they put forth into me.
And, you don't have to pay them back the favor today. In fact, knowing how unaccepting they are of you, you should plan to wait 10+ years.  because if they reject you, all bets are off.  you know?

So go ahead, lie and cheat and steal.  You got one life. And you live for yourself and your happiness. And once you have what you need, once you have a stable life and you are content, then you can take the time to give back to the universe.

P.s, I wouldn't have told them I was going to the doctor for pcos.  That's just so suspicious, lol.


Anyways, I don't know if anything I said made any sense, I'm really tired. 
I hate to make it sound like I'm telling you to be a bad person.  but really, the world is full of bad people, and good people get taken advantage of. So protect yourself first, and then you can help others.  Oh, I just remembered a saying, you have to help yourself before you can help others.

I guess, bottom line what I'm saying:
Don't tell them if you don't have to.
Keep on doing everything you can for your transition and for yourself.

If hey really love you, and deserve your love in return, then they should accept you.  and if they don't, they don't love you.  and why feel bad what you do to someone who doesn't really care about you?

[Sharky]

*hugs*

Thanks 

Like you said, you gotta do what you gotta do for self-preservation. If that means lying to them, then so be it. It's alright to feel at least a little bit guilty but I wouldn't beat myself up over it. You are who you are and in a perfect world no one would have to lie about it, but this world ain't perfect and neither are we. So have fun finally getting on with the T and good luck to you, dude. I'm rootin' for ya. :]]

True, and thanks. I will definitely try to have fun and enjoy starting T.

I'm in a similar boat as you.  Very unaccepting family.  My grandparents take care of me.  I've been wanting to start T, but I'm afraid if they found that I'm trans.  I'm sure they would kick me out, but I could live with my aunt and uncle, still not accepting, but they wouldn't kick me out.
So I was so close to starting T, but then I backed out because a few friends I talked to told me not to do it because it was too big of a risk.  But it's all I can think about it.  It's driving me crazy, and that's how I know what I got to do.  I think I'm going to gather back up the courage again and start T.  Because I got to stop living for other people and start living for myself.

Yes, it's true that my grandparents are doing me a favor by taking care of me, but think about it, they're not living for me.  Why should I live for them? 
When I say "living for someone" I just mean that their life comes before mine.  But no, from now on, I decided that my life comes first.
That doesn't mean I got to be totally selfish.  I still help out anyone when I can, but not ever to the degree that it prevents me from living my life.
This is my new life philosophy.  Someone does me a favor like saving my life does not mean that I owe my life to them.  It simply means I owe them a favor as simple as the effort they put forth into me.
And, you don't have to pay them back the favor today. In fact, knowing how unaccepting they are of you, you should plan to wait 10+ years.  because if they reject you, all bets are off.  you know?

So go ahead, lie and cheat and steal.  You got one life. And you live for yourself and your happiness. And once you have what you need, once you have a stable life and you are content, then you can take the time to give back to the universe.

P.s, I wouldn't have told them I was going to the doctor for pcos.  That's just so suspicious, lol.


Anyways, I don't know if anything I said made any sense, I'm really tired. 
I hate to make it sound like I'm telling you to be a bad person.  but really, the world is full of bad people, and good people get taken advantage of. So protect yourself first, and then you can help others.  Oh, I just remembered a saying, you have to help yourself before you can help others.

I guess, bottom line what I'm saying:
Don't tell them if you don't have to.
Keep on doing everything you can for your transition and for yourself.

If hey really love you, and deserve your love in return, then they should accept you.  and if they don't, they don't love you.  and why feel bad what you do to someone who doesn't really care about you?

A lot of good points, thank you. I actually do have PCOS so it's not like I came out of the blue with it.

[~RoadToTrista~]

I'm glad your grandpa took it as well, my dad would be similar. Does it ever seem that women are the one's who are most likely to get psychotic about it?

[Sharky]

I'm glad your grandpa took it as well, my dad would be similar. Does it ever seem that women are the one's who are most likely to get psychotic about it?

Seems like it. In my experience women are most likely to get psychotic about anything.

[JohnAlex]

Seems like it. In my experience women are most likely to get psychotic about anything.

Yes.  I don't want to be sexist, but yes.  that seems to be the case in my experience as well. 


I don't know if this is true, or if it's just what I've observed.  but it seems to be that women (mothers, sisters, etc) are more accepting to MTFs.  And men (fathers, brothers, etc.) are more accepting towards FTMs. 
I wonder if that's true, or if that's just been my experience. 

I could see how that could be true, though.  A (cis) man could more easily understand what it would be like to be a man born in a woman's body.  whereas it's probably harder for a (cis) man to understand what it would be like to have a male body but feel female inside.
And the same for cis women.

[Darrin Scott]

Seems like it. In my experience women are most likely to get psychotic about anything.

This.

[sonopoly]

I don't know what you mean exactly by "psychotic", but I would think that a father would be the most unaccepting if his son told him he was really a woman and wanted to transition.