How did you come out at work?

[Konnor]

Just looking for your stories and advice. I'm taking a business trip next week to our HQ and will see my bosses boss in person. I want to come out to him and start the process of coming out at work. I'm on T and will be changing my name and gender marker in the next few months. I'm not sure exactly how to come out or what to say though. And how to come out to everyone else in the company (I probably come in contact with 100 people, the company is bigger though) should I just send a company-wide email? Come out in person as I come into contact with them? Hope word of mouth gets around?

What have you guys done that worked well (or didn't)? Please help!

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, I've come out in a few situations.

The most recent two were easy - both were small groups where we literally sat around a table when we met up. I just told them "Just so you all know, I'm going through a transition from female to male, so please refer to me using male pronouns." That was early in and no one really had many issues. It worked well, too. It felt awkward to me personally, but I think that was just my own "ugh, I wouldn't have to do this if I were cis, so tiresome." Lol.

With the job I had a few years ago...uh, that was weird. I basically told one of the supervisors that I wanted to talk to Louis (the boss) about it, and blurted out "I'm having a sex change." I would NOT recommend that lol, because she told Louis on her own. He was very supportive...he called up and said "I just want you to know that this is a free country and you are allowed to do whatever makes you happy. If anyone gives you any problems, let me know and I will take care of it." Then when it came to the coworkers I came in contact with, I just brought it up at some point in conversation. I never had an issue with any of them, again, they were all polite. Actually, one of them that I thought might be rude, it turned out that he was a gay man. And he knew several gay men who dated trans men, so he really understood that we are in fact, men.

It's hard to say if I was lucky or not. I think the best advice I can give is, try not to make a bigger deal out of it than you have to. Bring it up like "hey, just so you guys know..." I find that the less big of a deal you make of it, the less other people care, and life usually just goes on.

[Soren]

If you're really worried, and in the position to do so, say it when your getting up from a table (the least awkward position to do this) and when you say it, put your hand palm down on the table about shoulder width a part. It sends the signal "this is not up for discussion, don't even bother trying to argue". But it's pretty heavy-handed, so only use it if you think it will cause a big problem.

[Constance]

I started with my boss, and was pretty clinical about it. I stuck to the facts and just stated that that I was trans and would be starting my transition.

But, I did check the employee handbook first to see what protections there might be for me.

[LordKAT]

I simply brought in my name change papers. It took a while but after my DL changed I had to show that as it changes the numbers and is required for work.

[FTMDiaries]

I came out at work last year. I started by approaching my boss in a face-to-face meeting because I wanted him on board before coming out to my colleagues. They're his employees and it's his business, so I felt it was important and respectful for me to give him some influence over the situation. I told him that I'd been seeing various doctors over the past few months because I'd been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, which meant that I'd decided to undergo Gender Reassignment and would be doing so at work. I told him I'd be changing my name, undergoing hormone therapy and eventually having surgery. I gave him a little bit of background to explain why I need to do this, but I didn't go into all the gory details - I just kept it pretty basic.

Before speaking to him I researched how the laws in my area would cover my transition because I knew he'd want to know whether the business would need to make any accommodations (such as toilets, time off for medical appointments, protection from bullying/harrassment). Sure enough, he asked all those questions and it was good to be able to reassure him that I'm not going to be taking massive periods of time off work and that he wouldn't have to provide me with any special facilities.

He was very supportive and we agreed between us that I should produce a company-wide letter which I gave to my colleagues at the start of our Xmas break, enabling them to react to the news in privacy. I ought to point out that I work for a small company, so everybody knows me.

I just gave them the very basic facts, along with a leaflet offering guidance about what it means when someone you know is transgender. I also gave them my phone number & email address at the end of the letter, inviting them to contact me if they had any questions or concerns. None of them did, and everyone has been brilliant.

In your case, I think it's great that you're considering coming out to your boss next week. I would suggest asking him for his help in managing how you come out to your team. After all, you'll benefit from having management on your side if any of your colleagues give you trouble. Then perhaps you might want to have a face-to-face meeting with your closest colleagues who you see every day, followed by an email to the 100 other people you contact regularly. I wouldn't bother telling everyone else in the company unless you think it's necessary. After all, if they never contact you they probably don't even know you exist.

One important thing though: I made it clear that this is private, personal information not to be shared with any third parties. I work in a very incestuous industry so the last thing I need is for my colleagues to go telling all their friends, because if they do I'll never be able to be stealth.

[democration]

I just started working at a local grocery store two days ago. I went in and filled all the application out with male, identified and passed as male in the interview and orientation. When it came time for them to take our IDs (as the orientation was in a group), I handed it to the lady and mentioned that I had something she might want to hear regarding it. Since it was an out-of-state license, she assumed that was it and said as much--which was lucky, because my comment got written off that way to the rest of the group.

Later, during a break, she took me into another room with one other lady. I don't know if they're just the hiring managers or what, but all she said was, "We just need to know how you're listed legally." So I said 'female' and they said they'd put that on my cover sheet, but they'd be the only two to know about it.

Now I've been working a couple days and it's quite clear that nobody questions my being male. It's very interesting, too, because I haven't been stealth ever before this. Certainly an interesting experience. :-)

But unfortunately that doesn't help any if you're already at the place. I don't have much advice, but I will say that most people seem to be way more accepting than I assume they will be.

[Konnor]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I really appreciate it!

LordKAT, the problem is that I can't change my docs yet. I'll be starting the process hopefully next month, but it will take a while to be complete. I was hoping to come out before everything was legal, but maybe it would be easier if I just waited until I can change everything legally??

FTMDiaries, I was thinking about doing the letter over a long break. The next three day weekend for us would be Labor Day, the first weekend in Sept. do you think you could PM me the letter you sent? Looking up my legal protection is a good idea, I already know that gender identity is in the company discrimination policy so that's comforting. I also agree with making it clear that its private and not to be shared with third parties, but I'm not sure how well that would go at my job.

Democration, glad things went so well for you! Yeah I've been at this job for about two years so everyone knows me as a girl. I hope you're right and everyone is more accepting than I'm expecting! I'm kind of freaking out about this 

[FTMDiaries]

FTMDiaries, I was thinking about doing the letter over a long break. The next three day weekend for us would be Labor Day, the first weekend in Sept. do you think you could PM me the letter you sent? Looking up my legal protection is a good idea, I already know that gender identity is in the company discrimination policy so that's comforting. I also agree with making it clear that its private and not to be shared with third parties, but I'm not sure how well that would go at my job.

Sure, I'll PM it over and I'll also send you the link to that leaflet I handed out to my colleagues. It's British, but most of the info will be relevant to you and you might find some of it to be useful.

Incidentally, I came out to my boss last September, which was about 3 months before I was ready to change my name, docs etc. So my boss had a couple of months to think about how he was going to manage the whole situation before I came out to my colleagues & changed my name in December. I'd still recommend talking to your boss next week anyway; it'll give him time to plan ahead for how he's going to manage your whole team in line with your company's discrimination policy.

Edit to add: when you speak to your boss next week, it might not hurt to ask him to remind your colleagues that gender identity is covered in the company discrimination policy. My boss went so far as to arrange an Equality workshop for the entire company, just to cover all bases.

[Constance]

LordKAT, the problem is that I can't change my docs yet. I'll be starting the process hopefully next month, but it will take a while to be complete. I was hoping to come out before everything was legal, but maybe it would be easier if I just waited until I can change everything legally??

Here's the tread in which you can find the email in which I announced the beginning of my transition:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104684.0.html

I started transitioning on the job more than a year before my legal name and gender change, and after about 7 years at this company. As of 27 September 2011, my name had been changed everywhere except HR and payroll. Otherwise all other traces of David McEntee were removed from company listing: employee directory, cube wall name plate, email address, all logins. I'll see if I can find the email I used to first announce my intention to transition.

[Constance]

Okay. Here's the March 2010 email to my boss that started it all, back when I identified as androgyne/genderqueer, before I truly identified as MTF.

There's no way you could have known, as I have not discussed this topic with anyone here at {The Company}, but the comments you and SH made regarding AsiaSF are technically in violation of the "Policy Against Harassment" according to the "conduct prohibited" on page 34 of the Employee Handbook.

Despite outward appearances, I am a person of ambiguous gender identity. I am friends with many transgender and transsexual persons, as well.

I doubt anyone but MJ has noticed, but there have been days when I've come to work dressed entirely in women's clothing. It was subtle, to be sure, but it has happened.

According to page 35 of the Employee Handbook, I could report this to human resources. But, that would be unfair to you and SH as neither of you are aware of my identity.

At this point in my life, I am uncertain if, how, or when I might transition from male to female, but it is something I do think about a great deal. I can tell you it is quite likely that in the next year or two I plan to legally change my name to something more unisex. It's not easy being uncomfortable in one's own body.

I have not yet sought a gender therapist, but I might be doing so at some point. I hope that should such a transition come to pass, {The Company} will be a safe and tolerant workplace for me.

Again: you had no way to know. I harbor no ill will towards you and SH for your comments this time. Perhaps I should mention this to her as well. I hesitate to do so due other social-issue conversations we've had in the past.

On the up-side, AsiaSF sounds like a place I'd like to visit. So, I really owe you and SH thanks for your comments, too.

Then, after my boss gave his 2-weeks notice in late June 2011, I sent the following message to the director of support and the east and west coast team leads, copying the Operations director, announcing my intention to transition.

All,

For some time now, I've been unable to attend events on Saturdays and on some evenings due to what I've described as "regularly scheduled medical related appointments. So far, I've discussed my diagnosis with only MJ, BL, and KL (in HR). With the current changes in support team management, I feel compelled to share the details of my diagnosis.

It's good that Epocrates changed from 5MCC to BMJ as the source for Dx. Since implementing that change, my diagnosis now appears in an Epocrates reference.

https://online.epocrates.com/noFrame/showPage.do?method=diseases&MonographId=992

Specifically, "Transsexualism" under the "Definition\Classification" subsection of "Basics" is where a high-level view of the pertinent information can be found.

You are reading this correctly: I am a male-to-female transsexual who is in the very beginning stages of transitioning from David William McEntee to Constance (Connie) Anne McEntee. My diagnosis became official in April after about a year of therapy, and I started hormone replacement therapy on 5 June 2011.

I can recommend the book "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals" as a potential resource. While I do not own a copy myself, I have checked it out from the local library. It's a good source for information.

At this point, I do not yet see a need to inform the rest of the support team. It will be some time before the hormonal changes in my appearance will be noticeable. But probably within the next year, I will begin what's known as the "real-life experience" (RLE). It is during this period, usually at least a year, where I will have to live as a woman all day every day. This would be the last step before I am approved for sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). As I understand current California state law, once I have the two letters approving me for SRS I can be declared legally female, getting my ID and such changed, even before the surgery. This is good as it's likely I will be 50 before I can afford the surgery. Neither BlueShield nor Kaiser cover it, and it's excluded from the HSA, too.

But during the RLE, I will need to present as Connie, not David, even while I am at work. Since the other Connie's office is right outside my cube, I realize it might be best if I use the full name of Constance rather than the diminutive Connie.

At some time before I start the RLE, I'm sure HR will need to involved. My plan at this point would be to take a week off and during the support staff meetings that week have it announced to the team that I would be returning from vacation as Constance/Connie, starting the RLE.

But as I've mentioned, the RLE could be as much as a year away. It could be as little as 6 months, however. Obviously, if the HRT starts to make changes visible I will have to be more forthcoming.

If any of you feel a meeting is in order regarding this while Mary is visiting next, I would not be adverse to that. I hope to make this transition as painless for all parties concerned as possible, especially me. But, this transition will affect more than just me and I understand that.

This is not a decision I've made lightly. When our lease comes up in January, my wife and I will be separating. Though our marriage will be ending, our friendship will not. My kids, parents, brothers, and most of my friends who know thus far have been fully supportive. I hope that Epocrates will be supportive, too.