Help me deal with conflicting interests

[pippa_ts]

I am a woman, I know that but my body is not. I have tried to live a male life and got married to a woman I genuinely love but my transsexual identity is really getting to me.  My wife knows but has ambivelent feelings about it.  How do I tell her about my previous DIY HRT or my desire to transition fully?  How cqan I explain how I need to become complete, and expect her to cope with the loss of my male parts ?

[togetherwecan]

You have to tell her the truth and then it will be up to her. Her acceptance cannot be forced and realistically cannot be expected. They can be hope for. Love can be real, but this is life changing to the spouse or SO too.
The longer you wait to tell the truth, the more hurt you both will feel.
Hugs

[Gill]

Hi Pippa:

The question is "how can you not tell her".  I know this is hard.  Being TS in reality you risk loosing everything but also risk gaining everything.  Whether your wife accepts this or not doesn't change the fact that you are TS and are wanting to transition.  But you do owe her - you need to tell her.  Once "all the cards are on the table", only then can you begin to move forward with your lives.

Gees what I know now and what I knew about 10 years ago, I cannot begin to explain how far I have come.  But knowing what your dealing with is a must, for both of you.

We all survive the changes in our lives (this is a general statement).  Yes there will be a time for acceptance and the dealing of the issues.  Keeping calm throughout all of this helps.  Don't try to force the "facts" on her, this will be a step-by-step process.  She may only be able to deal with certain issues at certain times.

I'[m babbling, but I hope you get the jist of what I am saying.

Keep us informed on how things are going.

Gill

[Peggiann]

Hello Pippa,

I have to echo what you have been told by the last to gracious members here in their reponse posts.

It has been said many times in numerous threads "We do not own another individual", "We have not right to keep such a life altering thing from them because we rationalize it's for there own good" "Communicate , communicate, communicate."

Holding out and holding back as time marches on so a bond grows strong enough to with stand is not only unfair but selfish and shows a lack of trust in ones love and devotion to an open, honest, trusting and forgeiving marriage." As for telling other family and friends that's different, that comes later. It comes when both you and her are ready and strong enough to stand what ever flies from others knowing this secret. Because you have promiced to each other till death do you part you owe her the respect to that promice and to the trust you should have grown even stronger through the daily living as man and wife to not hold anything back.  You don't have these same sworn promices or contract of marriage with other family and friends. With them it's a different respect that requires honoring your spouse first, then letting the rest in on the loop of things when both are ready. When a couple marry they are one they become a unit. There for what ever is happening to one is happening to the other in what every area of the marriage arena of life. Respect for the arena of life requires you to just share what ever you are feeling and needing and allow the other to administer to those needs. Which will require a response of administering to her needs as you both go through this. This is the only way to have the richest life and full marriage with gratitude that will ignite love and passion and a connection far stonger and deeper than you can imagine and will ever experience in any other relationship. This is meant for every and any issues in life together you may face not just this one.

I once heard on a christian talk show If you put a couple in a room and they have the task of remodeling it ...painting, wall papering and building new areas, that if they can withstand that pressure they can with stand anything...I laughed big time because Leah and I own rental property and do this on a regular basis when renters move in and out...boy have we had a few silent evenings over issues that came up. I have often thought sence the day Leah share this secret with me over seven years ago now. How it would be wonderfull if couple in the beginnings of life plannings would go through some enrichment course that played this senerio or other health issues such dibilitating deceases or the possiblilities of a handcapt child together that would cause such stress and pressures to live through and maybe even have to choose what corse of action would it mean they had to  take. Would they be able to love and like the person they think they want to spend the rest of their life with having the insight into what that person is really made off which would show through how they chose to proceed in given senerios?

Set the stage for telling her. Pippa set time aside... hours of it. Unplug the phones and shut off the Cells. If kids are involved have it arranged that they will be at a sitters for the evening. Your time to tell her must be uninterrupted by the outside world. This will give you both the time to talk and answer what ever needs each may have. As for what words to say. Let your heart lead you. Muster up the courage to swallow that enormousely large lump that keeps trying to block the words from coming out. If you must write it out for her to read, then give it to her and don't interrupt her till she finishes it, then when she puts down what you have written proceed. Give her time for a reaction and with calm in your voice answer what ever she asks honestly. Ask what ever you need to help with reading her posture on what you have shared and the understanding level she is at with the information. Don't push but don't let it go unless temps are high and space is needed for digesting it all...which is very likely.

Good luck with what you know you must do,

Smiles,
Peggiann

[SOofaCD]

I don't have the experience that some of the other people do on here.  I do have some thoughts, though, and I hope they help.

1) Tell her soon.  The longer you keep it from her, the more it will hurt her when you do tell her.

2) When you do tell her, be completely honest with her.  Yes, there may be only so much she can take at once, but what you do share with her it is important to share it with 100% honesty.

3) Allow her to feel.  I can't tell you how she will react, but chances are it won't be positively.  At least, not at first.  She may feel angry, sad, betrayed, or any other combination of a hundred different emotions.  You have to let her feel that.  As much as you are going through, she will go through just as much. 

4) Allow her to question.  I had a million questions when my SO told me about his needs, and he isn't even planning on transitioning.  I can only imagine the questions I would have had if he were.  Be patient, and answer what you can answer honestly.

5) Allow her to participate.  It is your body, and ultimately you decision, but if you love your wife then you must understand that every decision you make will imapct her.  If you want to research, then approach her and tell her what it is you want to research and ask her to participate with you.  She may not want to, and that's ok.  The important thing is that you gave her the option. 

All of these are based on the premise that she will eventually become supportive of your needs. Best wishes and I hope things work out for you both.