One step forward and two steps back?

[JoanneB]

If it isn't the 800 lb gorilla in the room, someday's it's one step forward and two steps back with my wife. The one person in the entire world I can talk to about anything and have since day one. Yes I know she didn't sign up for this 30 years ago, neither did I. I know her heart is in the right place whenever the subject comes around to Joanne. She wants to be sure I am safe, protected, and doing everything I can prevent exposure, or worse. To the point of 1960's insanity. It is just the almost antagonistic, the world is a horrible place, and you are doing a dirty shameful thing in their eyes tone that really gets to me. Not the sort of reinforcement I want.

I struggled for years, decades, fighting this thing. Yes, I admit I do still feel ashamed of myself. But not nearly as much as I used to be. For the first time in my life I am really happy those fleeting hours I can be the complete me. When I look in the mirror I smile. I feel confident and proud of myself. My wife is overjoyed with how much I've grown over the past two years. Constantly remarks on how much more I talk about myself, my hopes, wishes, dreams, emotions etc.. Sometimes without warning Joanne gets a complement out of the blue. My heart melts when that happens.

Yet, eventually, out it comes. Total paranoia about being spotted by neighbors from 75 yards away; catching the eye of a cop on the road thanks to a longer length wig, get pulled over and....;Breaking down on the road without a complete change of clothes just in case some red neck gets the wrong idea. She can come up with tons more scenarios for disasters then I can, and I get paid to do that! Many border on absurd even for rural WV. Hell 5 miles from NYC where we lived she was almost as bad!

I know she is scared for me, for our future, for her own future. So am I! When she starts to carry on, I get all defensive, close up, can't talk coherently thanks to all the negative emotions once again flooding through me. I just want to chuck it all and beat this down once and for all. End all the shame and guilt I feel about being trans and especially the pain and anguish I am burdening her with. Go back to being the joyless, life sucks and then you die, person I was. It was far less painful, certainly less complicated.

I usually love roller coaster rides. This one I can easily pass up if I had a choice

[grrl1nside]

Well, I hate roller coasters personally... I'm sorry about the two steps back... I often call it zig-zagging because I don't think I ever take steps exactly where I was before. Maybe close to it, but everytime I'm not quite the same person that I was. I prefer that way of thinking so it doesn't quite feel like I'm stuck or truly going completely backward.

I struggle with transitioning too and often it is when I think of my wife and young kids. I love them all dearly and could not imagine being without them and just as much I could not accept bringing hardship on them for my own transitioning. It can be extremely frustrating taking the go slow approach, but it has also been very rewarding too. I have started to truly share and I am a better partner because of it. I wish I knew the right thing to say here or had the answer, but I don't. Probably because I can identify rather closely with you are saying... 

[jainie marlena]

@grrl1nside, I understand this I could not go back just because of all the mental changes that have taken place. I have been asked to go back to who I was but I don't even know who that is anymore.
I have been transition slow also for my wife and kids. But slow to her was to fast. She was really saying stop. I had to move on after she left me. I changed even more while she was not there. She came back and told me that she was able to except who I am. But I had changed. The person that she was willing to except was not there. My kids on the other hand have changed with me because they have excepted the fact that I am evolving right in front of them.
@joanneB, I went to work today. I was sitting at the brake table waiting to start. I saw a small strip of paper laying in an ashtray. It was a fortune cookie paper. It said," Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain." I understand it because I am living it. I did feel the same way you do but sometime love hurts other. Sometimes people need to hurt to understand love. Loving yourself is the begining of loving other as yourself. Love hurts before it comforts

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi JoanneB,

I'm with you in this one girl. Hang in there; you are doing an absolutely awesome job. The only solution I can think of at the moment is to develop selective hearing. Tune your whole body into just listening for positive up lifting things. Switch off when you hear anything else. And really work hard on ditching that rotten cruel lie of shame and guilt. They have NO place in your life. Someone else has put those there. They don't belong to you. They are someone elses misguided fears. You need to write down on a sheet of paper, what those words mean to you; events that recall so called shame and guilt, then tear it up, put it in the bin or burn it. Then have nothing more to do with those feelings. They are life robbers and need to be displaced immediately.

Remember that whatever people say to you can only take effect, if YOU allow it to. There are many people out there in the work place that have an opinion about me; and that is good. I don't necessarly agree with all of them. I respect everyones right to have an opinion. I also respect my right to accept or decline someones opinion of me. After all their opinion has been formed by a myriad of their experiences that I've had no control over.

I'll also reiterate what jainie said " Loving yourself is the beginning of loving other as yourself" It's plainly impossible for for you to love anyone without firstly loving yourself. Anything other than that is a facade.

Keep up the incredible job you are doing, and keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa luv
Catherine

P.S. Consider your journey to be more like one step forward and two steps sideways. You gain greater distance and travel faster in your journey that way. Hang in girl. We're here for YOU!!!