Raked right across the coals

[MarinaM]

How is that?

Does your gender even matter to your child?

Yes. But why it matters is a harder point to prove:

I am her "daddy girl," Emma, that takes her to the toy section of the department store just because she asked to go there. Later we play dress up, and for a while we are both princesses going to the ball. I taught her the princess wave as we toured around in circles on the mall carousel together. We bake together, we enjoy imaginary tea, I hold her in my arms every single night as she drifts off to sleep to the promise that we can be "Two of us girls going to play tomorrow after I get out from school, okay?"

It matters because she has had both, and I'm awesome as a girl, and I always knew I was, somehow, from the time I was in Jr. High trying on my first party dress.

I guess it doesn't really matter, does it? I cold have done all of those things if I were a man, right? Unfortunately I don't ever remember believing so. I discovered me, as a girl, in my youth, and I hid that from everyone until I was locked into this surprisingly beautiful situation.

[Felix]

Emma I'm going to opt out of commenting on half of what's been said in this thread, but I just want to say that that description of your time with your daughter is very touching. It sounds great.

Your gender matters to your child only because your honesty and happiness matters to your child. I hope it goes okay for you and your family.

[Arch]

Your child's well being in your first priority, your identity is second...

For some of us, our child's well-being depends on our ability to be who we really are. For example, it's hard to be there for your child when your gender dysphoria makes you broken--or dead.

[Renate]

Don't underestimate how important it is for children to have happy parents.
True, parents shouldn't pursue their personal happiness to the detriment of their children.
I think that transitioning while a parent may in some cases be the best thing for everybody.

[MarinaM]

 I suppose "experiment" is a callous thing to say. As a wordsmith I should know better. In any case, thank you all for being concerned. I'm getting along very well with the whole family today.

[Maya Zimmerman]

Yeah, I think it's important to underscore that trying to hide who we are to keep our families together does not help our children.  I'm the only one who works in my family, so when I've been terribly depressed, couldn't get my work done, and/or were I to actually have killed myself on my daily commute on the electric line, my son would be no better off than having a family that struggles as we do or with parents who may end up divorced.  If I can't manage to exert the energy to clean the house or play with my son or help him learn to read or make a healthy dinner because I'm depressed, how would that be putting his priorities before mine?  A healthy, happy parent is simply going to be able to take better care of his/her children.

Also, I think the term experiment being used in conjunction with a person is being regarded unfavorably because its connotation for some is sterile and dehumanizing.  I can respect it, though.  High-level experimentation is a very human phenomenon and experimentation in general is a common practice among living organisms.

[mixie]

EmmaM

First of all you are an excellent writer and might want to consider doing a blog or something where you could make money off of writing so think about that.


Although you are up against a lot I would say that you are being too hard on your choices in life.  Although GID has it's own issues, they are often very similar in the self doubt it creates to other more "ordinary" issues in life.

When I was younger I divorced my first husband with whom I had two kids.   I went from being in a stable home as a SAHM to single again at 27 not being able to pay my bills with a 3 and 4 year old.   My mother had advised me to stay in the marriage until the kids were in school and many people felt I was being "reckless" or running from responsibility because I longed for my own identity.

In my case I had changed for my ex husband to be a "Hijabi" which was a muslim woman who covered her hair.  Everything I did had gotten lost in the new religion, language and way of life.  Although I do know many Hijabi who are perfectly happy with their life,  I was trying to be what I was supposed to be in the relationship.

Many times my family tisked tisked me because my children are raised Muslim which is a religion I no longer believe in and I couldn't reconcile how to create the world I wanted for my kids within the reality they were born into.

I felt guilty.  Then 911 happened and I really felt like I had screwed up my kids forever, they have Arabic names.  I felt my choices, my careless choices,  my lonliness and desperation to fit in caused me to bring children into a world of a lie that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But my kids are wonderful now, they are 17 and 16 and quite happy, still Muslim and still have a fantastic relationship with their father.

Bottom line,  it's not up to us to create the world our children live in,  it is our job to be an example of how to face the reality of what we live in with grace.

And that comes from walking the walk and not from talking the talk.   No one said that life is going to be easy, it's not at times.  But it is a blessing and a gift especially if you trust in yourself and let yourself be the miracle that you are no matter how you unfold into the world.

Just be yourself and the rest will follow.

Hugs.