So I've decided that I finally have to get some professional help for dysphoria. I've contacted my school psychiatrist and we've set up a date for an intake meeting.
Since the beginning of the summer, I've been doing all the small things that I could think of to help improve my feminine appearance and hopefully harmonize what It's inside of me with whats on the outside. I knew in the back of my mind that doing my makeup, voice training, dressing would never be enough because they were always a double edged sword- I would feel great while in the process, but the final product would always make me feel terrible because it would simply remind me of how obviously not a woman I was on the outside. I thought, correctly, that no matter what I did short of becoming full time would make me feel like an actual person. I've heard a few people express feelings like this, is it common? I've always thought that because dressing and doing my hair don't fill me with joy that I'm not an actual 'transsexual.'
But aside from all that word vomit, I find myself on the racks with anxiety over my meeting. I've never had any serious mental health problems, or really any counseling, but I'm convinced that the psychiatrist is going to take one look at me and read me like a book. In real life I'm an exceptionally open person, I don't really mind who reads me like a book so long as I get to take a look at their book in intimate conversations. It's sort of like a mutually assured destruction promise, If either of us decides to use that information for evil; well, we can always nuke each other. But the only counselors that I've met are actually very cold, astute people. (At least the fellows at my school.)
I'm nervous because I feel like I'm going to crumble under the pressure of having to talk about one of my deepest secrets, without any substantial guarantee that sharing won't come back to bite me. Besides, turning into a puddle of mush in front of the counselor isn't going to give a good impression of me or my mental health and I think, would ultimately decrease the likelihood of me being able to transition. Further, I'm a broke college student and so I really only have one shot at this: I can't possibly afford another counselor that actually charges. Talk about high stakes?
Has anyone else had an experience similar to mine? How do you feel about your psychiatrist/sessions? How can I make a good impression, preferably without babbling out incoherent sentences?
If anyone has any advice, I'd be grateful for any tips.
