Feeling split in half

[ChildOfTheLight]

My preferred state, as far as gender goes, is to feel androgynous, in the sense of "both male and female at once."  But lately, I haven't been able to feel that.  Instead, I'll feel only one or the other at a time.  I'm biologically male, so this will take the form of feeling mostly like a girl inside for a while, and I'll feel good that way for a while.  But I get to the point where that leads to me feeling uncomfortable in my body, and scared that I'm losing the masculine part of me.  Maybe from that fear, that part of me seems to shut down, and soon I feel strictly like a guy.  And then once I notice this has happened, I'm sad that that's all I'm feeling, and worried that my perception that I'm an androgyne will turn out to be some kind of lie to myself.  And it really just feels terrible, because if I'm not what I think I am, and nothing else really makes sense, then I'm just lost with no direction, and that's a very frightening thing.

So I either feel like I'm losing my masculinity or my androgyny, which makes sense, as those are the two ways I've defined my gender in my lifetime.  I'm more afraid of losing my masculinity, because if that were to happen my gender would not match my body at all, and at best I would be OK with it (which I feel sometimes), possibly I'd be a bit uncomfortable with it (which I also feel sometimes), and at worst I'd eventually be unable to stand it and would have to transition.  I'm just glad this is a complete hypothetical.  Whereas if my sense of femininity were to fade away, I think I'd ultimately be able to go back to the way I identified in the past, and be happy with that, even though I'd be sad for what I'd lost.

If I were honest, I doubt I could permanently lose any of my feelings of masculine or feminine identity.  But the thought still scares me.

I think I'm just feeling this way because of stress from schoolwork.  This just creates more stress, which makes it harder to work, which creates more stress still.  But probably the only way to "reintegrate" myself so that I feel androgynous more than I feel male or female again, which I think is the only way I'll be consistently happy, is to get through the work.  But not feeling integrated hurts my ability to focus on that...argh.

[kaelin]

It can be scary to lose a part of our identity, but I think you should just ride your feelings.  If you find yourself going between male, female, and possibly androgynous, that's okay.  If you can, try to identify what cues you to feel a certain way.  Do so over time.  If you've done this already, see if these cues are related to societal constructions of gender, or if they seem to be apart from them.

[Maebh]

If I were honest, I doubt I could permanently lose any of my feelings of masculine or feminine identity.  But the thought still scares me.

I think I'm just feeling this way because of stress from schoolwork.  This just creates more stress, which makes it harder to work, which creates more stress still.  But probably the only way to "reintegrate" myself so that I feel androgynous more than I feel male or female again, which I think is the only way I'll be consistently happy, is to get through the work.   But not feeling integrated hurts my ability to focus on that...argh.

You've said it yourself; Kiddo! 

You are avery perceptive and well atuned young person. Wouldn't that be due to the influence of both your feminine and masculine  sides working together? To me, you seem to have been able to integrate them beautifully.

Due to stress and pressure, you might have, momentary, lost the awareness or feeling of it but that doesn't necessary mean that it is not there. Some times, depending on the situation, you might need to call on one side more than on the other. Nothing wrong with that.

You are going trough a hard patch, but hang in there and soon you'll feel whole again.

Light, Hope, Love & Respect.

Maebh

PS. I like your choice of name. If this old Warrior can say so: I truely thinks that, since you not only talk the talk but also walk the walk, you're well on your way to live up to it!

[Kendall]

I have moments where I feel more male or female. If I dwell in either too long I start to feel like I am neglecting the other part of me. I remember last year I lived almost 2 months fully female mode off of work. That was too much. I had to drift back to more male. I just try to let nature take its course and go where it wants to go.

I would die if i lost either side of me.

I'm just a natural androgyne. Nothing I can do about it.

[Shana A]

I'm just a natural androgyne. Nothing I can do about it.

...except to enjoy the blessings of being androgyne! 

zythyra

[Laurry]

I'm just a natural androgyne. Nothing I can do about it.

...except to enjoy the blessings of being androgyne! 

zythyra

Amen!

CotL,

Like others here, I too have times I feel more male or more female, and when the balance shifts for too long, it is very uncomforatable.  I get antsy and nervous.  My mind races through all kinds of thoughts similar to the ones you have expressed.  When stuck in Female, I wonder if it will stay that way and if I need to look at transitioning and all the pain and hurt that entails.  When stuck in Male, (doesn't happen very often), I wonder if the clothes, makeup, nail polish and gender confusion was brought about by stress or what, and become sad because I really do like having a "frilly" side.

Having both sides is what brings order to my life.  Without both, I'm not sure what would happen, but I have a feeling I would be very unhappy and depressed.

So, Child, (you can't say it that way and not sound condescending, so I will rephrase)...

So, CotL, I guess what I'm trying to say is that for some of us, who we are tends to float around in the gender pool.  Sometimes we're at the deep end and other times, at the shallow.  (Which end relates to which gender is NOT something I'm getting in to...yes, I am a chicken).  Still, through it all, we remain who we are.  Hold on to your sense of self and don't worry about which gender you are currently floating through...you really can't do anything about it anyway except worry (and that doesn't help).  You have looked inside enough to know that the chances of being permanently stuck as one gender or the other are slim to none, so roll with it.  You will find your balance again.

.......Laurie

[Casey]

There really isn't anything more to add except to say that these days I (usually) don't worry about whether I'm feeling masculine, feminine, or androgynous. I figure if I just let myself feel how I'm feeling, I'm being me. It doesn't really matter which side, if any, I lean towards. That didn't come automatically for me, especially after so many years of hoping to god nobody noticed how feminine I can be. I had to tell myself to just let go and let it happen. I had to trust that overall I've felt androgynous for most if not all of my life. Like Laurie says, I've been in that androgynous place often enough to know that sooner or later I would find myself there.

Relax, and let go of the side of the pool.