My preferred state, as far as gender goes, is to feel androgynous, in the sense of "both male and female at once." But lately, I haven't been able to feel that. Instead, I'll feel only one or the other at a time. I'm biologically male, so this will take the form of feeling mostly like a girl inside for a while, and I'll feel good that way for a while. But I get to the point where that leads to me feeling uncomfortable in my body, and scared that I'm losing the masculine part of me. Maybe from that fear, that part of me seems to shut down, and soon I feel strictly like a guy. And then once I notice this has happened, I'm sad that that's all I'm feeling, and worried that my perception that I'm an androgyne will turn out to be some kind of lie to myself. And it really just feels terrible, because if I'm not what I think I am, and nothing else really makes sense, then I'm just lost with no direction, and that's a very frightening thing.
So I either feel like I'm losing my masculinity or my androgyny, which makes sense, as those are the two ways I've defined my gender in my lifetime. I'm more afraid of losing my masculinity, because if that were to happen my gender would not match my body at all, and at best I would be OK with it (which I feel sometimes), possibly I'd be a bit uncomfortable with it (which I also feel sometimes), and at worst I'd eventually be unable to stand it and would have to transition. I'm just glad this is a complete hypothetical. Whereas if my sense of femininity were to fade away, I think I'd ultimately be able to go back to the way I identified in the past, and be happy with that, even though I'd be sad for what I'd lost.
If I were honest, I doubt I could permanently lose any of my feelings of masculine or feminine identity. But the thought still scares me.
I think I'm just feeling this way because of stress from schoolwork. This just creates more stress, which makes it harder to work, which creates more stress still. But probably the only way to "reintegrate" myself so that I feel androgynous more than I feel male or female again, which I think is the only way I'll be consistently happy, is to get through the work. But not feeling integrated hurts my ability to focus on that...argh.