Confused

[valkyrie256]

Hey all.

I have been extremely confused as of late. There will be periods where I think, "Oh, I'm a normal guy, who just happens to have fantasies of being a woman". I'll even go into a sort of denial, and make myself scarce from these forums (for which I feel bad) But, after a week, I will go into doubt mode, and think, "No, I'm a woman. I don't want to be a man." But then I'll go into the denial phase again. :sigh: I just wish this pendulum would settle one way or another. I hate it.   

So, I would like to apologize for my erratic behavior of disappearing and reappearing. This is just what's been going on with little me.   

[emostache69]

yikes, that sucks... i honestly can't really go out and say "oh you must be (this)" because I'm not exactly a therapist, and nor do i have amazing powers like that 
but if your feeling like this then i suggest you go to a gender counsler, they can probably help you to see yourself more clearly, so you will be able to identify the real you

[jesse]

yep gets worse as you get older too purge and buy lol bleh until one day you cant take it anymore

[Mahsa Tezani]

Hey all.

I have been extremely confused as of late. There will be periods where I think, "Oh, I'm a normal guy, who just happens to have fantasies of being a woman". I'll even go into a sort of denial, and make myself scarce from these forums (for which I feel bad) But, after a week, I will go into doubt mode, and think, "No, I'm a woman. I don't want to be a man." But then I'll go into the denial phase again. :sigh: I just wish this pendulum would settle one way or another. I hate it.   

So, I would like to apologize for my erratic behavior of disappearing and reappearing. This is just what's been going on with little me.

What is your lifestyle like? Do you have an active social life? Are you playing RPG games? what...

There could be several factors influencing this.

[jesse]

or wait it could be GID cycling you know the very thing that causes trans people to blow their head off role playing games really wtf?
its obviously time for me to go to bed
Jessi

[Felix]

Valkyrie it's hard. We all know it's hard. It's not going to be okay if you don't make it okay. Figure out how best to make it okay. That may be more through authenticity, or more through safety, or more through exploration. Or whatever. But it's hard for everybody, and most of us don't know what to do next even when we think we do. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[justmeinoz]

Don't judge yourself, it's a big idea to get your head around, so having doubts is perfectly understandable.  Maybe you are just "fluid" when it comes to gender?  There is no right or wrong in this, just what works for you.
If you can find a good therapist, preferably a Psychiatrist, specialising in Gender issues, that would help a lot.  There are therapists, and then there are therapists, if you get what I mean.  Better to start  from good information than keep wondering.

Karen.

[Mahsa Tezani]

or wait it could be GID cycling you know the very thing that causes trans people to blow their head off role playing games really wtf?
its obviously time for me to go to bed
Jessi

^
You sound determined. You should do what you said above and spare yourself the trouble.

[JoanneB]

I've gone through some of the same cycling. At times of high stress the swings can occur fairly rapidly.  Most of the time I am trying to convince myself I am a TV and not a fully fledged TS for purely selfish reasons. One is a lot simpler to deal with than the other. At the end of the day what set of letters or name you want  to use to describe yourself is only a matter on convenience to others.

What really counts is how you feel inside; what brings you joy; what makes you happy just to be you, period. While sometimes the "Big Picture" dictates that you are not living your life only for yourself, you still need to be some version of you that you can be happy about. Life involves balancing many, and often conflicting, goals. Usually the answers are compromises. None of the compromises constitute a life sentence. You always need to be a you that you can live with. What works today, just might not cut it 10 years from now. But that is OK, and should be expected. Life is never stagnant. Even after you dead there are plenty of forces at work affecting change on your corporeal form.

[valkyrie256]

I am aware that this has been mention before,  but I think the thing that confuses me is that I am not particularly feminine. Hell, I could probably be described butch, or at least a super-tomboy. I don't even mind wearing a suit. I am "one of the guys", and the people I usually hang out is with gamers/computer nerds (of which I am one). I have two roommates with whom I will not discuss anything of this nature because of their attitude towards transgenders (which they think is synonymous with "freak").

JoanneB, there have been times of high stress recently. I am a senior in college (in the United States), and I am under fairly high academic pressure. I am planning on getting a job very soon.

I also have a FtM (pre-everything) boyfriend that I love to bits. And it is very fortunate that we are both pansexual. I do know that, once he starts transitioning, it is going to be stressing dealing with his physical changes, though I am happy that he will be able to be the guy that he is.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I have been extremely confused as of late. There will be periods where I think, "Oh, I'm a normal guy, who just happens to have fantasies of being a woman".

Could this merely be a form of escapism? I see a lot of that in the community. The whole, "If I am someone else all my issues will go away". Being trans creates more issues no matter who you are. It is not a fantasy... It is a reality with consequences. You are changing your body physically, taking mind altering substances, and getting surgery to either drastically alter your appearance or remove testerone from your body. It is enough to crack a well adjusted person, much less someone who is looking for an escape.

If you feel you want to transition, then you should and I support it. However, you need to sit down and examine the reasoning and the consequences. If you decide not to, you could RPG as female characters/crossdress/etc...there are plenty of outlets for expressing your femininity.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I am aware that this has been mention before,  but I think the thing that confuses me is that I am not particularly feminine. Hell, I could probably be described butch, or at least a super-tomboy. I don't even mind wearing a suit. I am "one of the guys", and the people I usually hang out is with gamers/computer nerds (of which I am one). I have two roommates with whom I will not discuss anything of this nature because of their attitude towards transgenders (which they think is synonymous with "freak").

At least you are being honest with your expectations here.

Thats strange... There are more computer/gamer nerd transsexual than any of the "former gay boy" ones. I would think they'd be more accepting. I think most TS people do something in computers or whatever.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

I loved RPGS like Final Fantasy and such.
I always played the female character.

I was never a fem or fabulous gay guy haha.

I wouldn't mind being considered "one of the guys" either.
Aslong as I'm called by the right pronouns.

[valkyrie256]

Could this merely be a form of escapism? I see a lot of that in the community. The whole, "If I am someone else all my issues will go away". Being trans creates more issues no matter who you are. It is not a fantasy... It is a reality with consequences. You are changing your body physically, taking mind altering substances, and getting surgery to either drastically alter your appearance or remove testerone from your body. It is enough to crack a well adjusted person, much less someone who is looking for an escape.

If you feel you want to transition, then you should and I support it. However, you need to sit down and examine the reasoning and the consequences. If you decide not to, you could RPG as female characters/crossdress/etc...there are plenty of outlets for expressing your femininity.

Hmm. As much I don't want to say it, I think that is a distinct possibly. I am aware, though, that these actions have consequences, which is why I've made a rule of not taking any action until/if I am 100% sure. :sigh:  Yeah, I think I would be a little less confused if I actually trans.

I know that I have a distinct desire to wear womens clothes, though I only acted upon it once, and that was with the help of a close female friend.

If this it what it is, then Mahsa, I want to thank you in advance. Hell, I'll thank you anyways, even though this possibility should have been glaringly obvious to me. All I know is, the sooner I know the answer, the sooner I'll be happy.

[Mahsa Tezani]

Hmm. As much I don't want to say it, I think that is a distinct possibly. I am aware, though, that these actions have consequences, which is why I've made a rule of not taking any action until/if I am 100% sure. :sigh:  Yeah, I think I would be a little less confused if I actually trans.

I know that I have a distinct desire to wear womens clothes, though I only acted upon it once, and that was with the help of a close female friend.

If this it what it is, then Mahsa, I want to thank you in advance. Hell, I'll thank you anyways, even though this possibility should have been glaringly obvious to me. All I know is, the sooner I know the answer, the sooner I'll be happy.

Sorry, I feel a lot of people get wrapped up in the "fantasy" of being a woman. While it is cool... I sometimes thought I should have came out completely loud and proud.... Instead of being a married man's captive. At least I'd partially have my dignity as a gay male...

But I chose my path and now live with the consequences.

[JoanneB]

I often think I am the ultimate chameleon. How I present as a male vs female is a universe (At least one planet Venus vs Mars) apart. I can build a 500+ HP engine, gen a Linux kernel, design circuits that work 24/7/365 in life saving applications, hang with steel mill workers or corporate mucky mucks,  and from what my wife says, look snazzy in a great suit. In guy mode I am FAR from feminine. Hell, no way I want my cover blown! I worry more about about being clocked pretending to be a guy then I ever had in my entire life going out presenting as a woman!

My senior year of college was the beginnings of my first serious consideration of transitioning. School is all done, a new "grown up" life awaits, just which life? You get a job offer as XY but now how do you tell them....? Oh yeah, lots of pressure from yourself, forget parents, grandparents and siblings. When you are suddenly facing adulthood sometimes you think, being a guy really sucks. All the expectations, all the must dos, responsibilities, all the pressure just makes you want to escape. If not for just a few hours.

IMHO, I perceive a TON of black and white thinking. ie: if I fantasize about being a person of the opposite gender. I must be a TS. At many points in ones life, especially adolescence with raging hormones we all wonder what if. Maybe I've always been way too analytical. Even as a teen I could not make that definitive leap of I must be a TS. Even knowing for as long as I could remember praying to be a girl.

Being a TV is a lead pipe cinch compared to being a TS. As a TV you get to escape into a fantasy world for a few hours, no different than any other fetishistic escape or going crazy at a football game. Which is absolutely great if that is all you need. Actually planning to live 24/7 as a woman is work and a lot of pain.

It is good to seek knowledge as it is good to question yourself. But the key is to answer those questions completely and as honestly as you can at this point in your life and apply that knowledge learned. Which is often difficult to accomplish. Humans love to see what they want to and ignore the rest. Don't ask my wife what it's like at times talking to me A good therapist, if you access to one at school, can help.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I often think I am the ultimate chameleon. How I present as a male vs female is a universe (At least one planet Venus vs Mars) apart. I can build a 500+ HP engine, gen a Linux kernel, design circuits that work 24/7/365 in life saving applications, hang with steel mill workers or corporate mucky mucks,  and from what my wife says, look snazzy in a great suit. In guy mode I am FAR from feminine. Hell, no way I want my cover blown! I worry more about about being clocked pretending to be a guy then I ever had in my entire life going out presenting as a woman!

What is Linux? A new role playing game. I'm the elf chick!

[Mr. X]

Linux is a computer Operating System... like Windows. Windows is sold and maintained by Microsoft, while Linux had its start as a Unix clone and has a huge following of enthusiasts and many versions or "flavors", each maintained by its own team. Windows is proprietary, while Linux source code is free to use and is shared with the world. It is the basis of Google Android and Palm WebOs, both being brands of mobile phone OS. TiVo also uses a version of Linux to power it. The smallest thing running Linux as an operating system was a wristwatch.

That said, Linux is not necessarily better or worse when compared to Windows. Windows was designed with the user in mind, and written with less regard for code quality, while Linux is more reliable for technical needs and as a consequence, very engineer-centric... so unlike clicking a few buttons and checkboxes under Windows, any major adjustments and troubleshooting in Linux will have a novice scratching his head for hours, reading man pages and posting on forums. Before anyone flames me for saying that, be sure to read the story about CUPS, aka the common unix printer interface... how a seemingly simple printer sharing task turned into a major riddle for a well respected member of the Linux community. No name and no link, but if you'll google it, you'll find it.


-Xx

[Mahsa Tezani]

Linux is a computer Operating System... like Windows. Windows is sold and maintained by Microsoft, while Linux had its start as a Unix clone and has a huge following of enthusiasts and many versions or "flavors", each maintained by its own team. Windows is proprietary, while Linux source code is free to use and is shared with the world. It is the basis of Google Android and Palm WebOs, both being brands of mobile phone OS. TiVo also uses a version of Linux to power it. The smallest thing running Linux as an operating system was a wristwatch.

That said, Linux is not necessarily better or worse when compared to Windows. Windows was designed with the user in mind, and written with less regard for code quality, while Linux is more reliable for technical needs and as a consequence, very engineer-centric... so unlike clicking a few buttons and checkboxes under Windows, any major adjustments and troubleshooting in Linux will have a novice scratching his head for hours, reading man pages and posting on forums. Before anyone flames me for saying that, be sure to read the story about CUPS, aka the common unix printer interface... how a seemingly simple printer sharing task turned into a major riddle for a well respected member of the Linux community. No name and no link, but if you'll google it, you'll find it.


-Xx

Okay, what does that have to do with fashion, cosmetics, or shirtless men?

NOTHING.

[Mr. X]

Yep. Nothing. That's why it's listed alongside the 500 horsepower engine as a guy thing.




-Xx