When to disclose?

[Felix]

So hey this isn't about disclosing to someone that I'm trans, but about disclosing that my daughter is mentally ill.

I met a girl, a fellow transperson, and we've been talking by email. We seem to get along pretty well, and a major thing we have in common is a mutual irritation at being expected to pass for other people's comfort. I want to go hang out with her. She has a freaking kitten. Kittens are awesome.

But she wants to meet my kid. I don't...I want to keep pretending that I'm normal, and let the fact that my kid is beautiful and smart and bighearted be all that matters about her. I mean, my trans status is finally not an issue, and I'm terrified of what my child might do. I've lost friends over her behavior in the past, and I've been kicked out of community centers and support groups. I get kicked off of buses and I keep getting eviction threats.

Actually, they always make it clear that I'm welcome back, just not my kid. That hurts. I don't want her to destroy any other good things in my life. Her problems aren't her fault, but I'm starting to get resentful and desperate. I have no friends anymore. Is it wrong that I haven't told this friend yet that what I do for a living is wrangle with my daughter's demons?

[kyril]

First of all, I want to reassure you that you're not abnormal, you're not alone, and you're not a bad person for feeling the way you do.
http://www.google.com/search?q=caregiver+fatique&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

Secondly, it's perfectly normal for you to want some space in your life that isn't dominated by your daughter; it would be normal even if your daughter weren't ill. If it's possible, you should (for your own sanity and the sake of your relationship with your daughter) find some time and space where you can simply be you, not defined by your parent/caregiver relationship.

And someone you're just getting to know shouldn't be insisting on meeting your kids. I've been dating my boyfriend (in person) for 6 months, and was friends with him for 2 years prior, and I still haven't met his kids. Introducing new people to your kids all the time can be disruptive. Lots of single parents keep their datign lives separate from their home lives until they're serious about a relationship. And even if you two aren't going down the romance road, it's still reasonable to want to get to know someone before you introduce them to your kids. Even if your kids don't have disabilities. So just tell her that. And then, if you want, if you two hit it off in person, at some point down the line you can discuss your daughter's illness.