Looking for help with a course of action.

[Kazimiri]

I'm a 20 year old androgynous male, so somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.  I've been throwing the idea of being a female in my head for a good number of years now and what I would say simply lacked the financial backing.  I'm something of a light-switch and very peticular about social acceptance but at the same time driving for my own uniqueness, its difficult  .

Now being close to being fairly secure financially and of the age to make these decisions myself since I am obviously not a severe case, but concerned non-less. I'm looking to pursue most of a MtF transition; I am for the most part Straight, and attracted to women.  What I see myself doing in the overall picture of this transition is having a orchiectomy and going through HRT fairly early.  And then later making the full transition with FFS.

I still like my Penis given ultimate pursuit of seeking women, just makes sense to me to not go for Penectom etc, and given that I'm more into anal then vaginal it isn't that alluring for me to have a vagina, if I were to foresee myself in a relationship I don't see my personality changing much I imagine I would shift more to the female side given the circumstance, but I see my self being more of a tomboy, little slugger.

Now, I haven't consulted any professionals regarding this, but what I'm reading in regards to the policies in Canada (BC) they seem fairly straight forward, as for Hormone treatment, roughly 3 months with a medical health assessor.  In my case, I view myself as being well Androgynous, as a female can also be Androgynous.  I feel that just the female body allures me, its more then something I like as in something I want to have sex with, frankly I don't like the male body that much, its a body but I find the female body far more attractive in both scenario's.  It is difficult to explain though.

Now I obviously don't want to make this a essay so I'll try to be to the point past here;

What I'm looking for in response;
- General comments on the plausibility of my request
- And any other important information

_____________________

Now that above was more or less just talking my mind over what I've figured out about myself roughly overtime, overall I'm fairly confident of my decision to want to pursue this through.

- I'm looking to start HRT and other therapies sooner then later and am looking for more information regarding those.
  - In BC it comes down to endocrinologist, GP, or Nurse practitioner able to provide such hormones.

- What should I be looking for in actual therapy and planning to help figure out exactly what I need for my situation?
  - Finding out what I need to be taking dose wise if my GP isn't very familiar with such things, should I be contacting a local/non-local endocrinologist?
  - Planning future transitions

- If I were to start HRT and I've still yet to figure out if its even allowed at early stages think its reserved till after RLE, possible Orchiectomy, And not planning on transitioning until a later date.
  - If I were to start my HRT now from what I could perceive financially I would beable to finance my FFS etc after about 4 years.
  - I feel this may be a bit too long to remain untransitioned as I imagine I would have developed noticeable breasts at this point.
  -  But at the same time I understand that earlier is better to start HRT, my concern is not feeling ready to transition but having breasts as a non-transitioned male still.
  - Again at the same time I want to give my breasts the best chance to develop, and hiding them such as constraining them I imagine would have a impact on growth?

Overall I'm a bit worried about social acceptance I want to do my transition come time at once, I would like to imagine it being after FFS, but I definitely could not foresee myself doing RLE during my current state being a fairly normal looking male.  I would honestly have to be happy with change from HRT.

[jesse]

the first thing I'm seeing here is your treating this as a choice transitioning isn't a choice its what most of us do to stay alive although lately i have been seeing more and more people on this forum who seam to be making this a lifestyle choice but whatever i wonder how many of them will be included in the transitioners who later regret their transition category.
jessi

[Kazimiri]

I've done a fair bit of research on cases of people who regret transitioning etc.  How I've justified it I believe for myself, is well thinking back.

What does it mean to me to be Male, I really couldn't attach this to anything,

What would it mean to me to be Female, and I am able to link far more things that I feel are relevant.

Again I don't see my self making some enormous leap from male to far spectrum female personality.  I don't really expect myself to change much, is why I'm confident about not regretting transitioning.

[Ava C]

I would say go for it.

If you feel you're ready to start, you only live once!

as I've been wondering if I have to see a therapist to start HRT..  (u.s)

[Kazimiri]

I was actually pretty shocked at the massive collection of actual BC related documents regarding just about every single piece of information at;

http://transhealth.vch.ca/index.html

In the online library they have, they basically have most of my questions answered.

I guess to sum up my expectations of going through this, to achieve a gender that is more appropriate to me.
I don't feel that the male persona lives up to what I'm looking for and what I idealize myself as, I love geeky tomboyish girls, jeans, internet emoticon tee-shirts.  But I love them in a different way, of course I'm also attracted to them not to mention many other types of Women, but that persona just reaches out to me.

May be my unique bug looking for the furthest niche I can find, and gain social acceptance at the same time.
I'm sure there is some disorder behind my near clinical desire to find uniqueness.

[Felix]

If you have the money, go for it. Just don't take it out on us if your not seeing it as life or death leaves you free to regret it later. Really, though, life is short. What you might have done will always haunt you if the stakes are high enough. Do what makes you feel most like yourself.

I personally think RLE is overrated. It matters, sure, but it's complicated. Kind of a double bind. Being sure takes practice, but RLE is a heck of a lot easier after treatment.

Best of luck.

[Felix]

Jesse are you okay?

[jesse]

no felix im not and im sorry for my post im just up to my ears in it tonight please disregard what i said
jessi

[lilacwoman]

if you really are TS you will eventually decide you have to live like a woman regardless but if you're soemtning on th eTG sepctrum you need to get yourself figured out before you start popping hormones pills and losing or altering the bits of male personality and life that you presently like.

youngsters have information to help figure themselves out that just was not available to older transitioners which explains the dichotomy in advice given by older transitioenrs to younger ones.

I also think that as most youngsters these days are exposed to enormous amounts of soft and hard core there is a real chance that a lot of the desire to have breasts and vaginas is based on the perceived notion that owning these will allow the endless sex the porn queens seem to be having.

similarly lots of lesbians expose themself to masculinising hormones via their oral sex lives that will make some feel they are TS when really they aren't.

but in countries where a person can reshape their bodies and lives as much as their money allows then just go for what you want.

[justmeinoz]

Despite being a bit overwrought Jesse's post basically comes down to- get a Gender Therapist and work out who you are before you do yourself an irrepairable injury, or kill yourself.

It sounds like you are still conflating sexuality and gender the way we all have done at the start.  Once you are on HRT for any length of time you can forget about erections and the male sex drive you currently have. They will be long gone. 

Transition will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, so if you can live an authentic life as a Transgendered person without it, that will be a far, far easier choice.  My transition has been comparatively easy, and I still wouldn't have wished it on my worst enemy. Please think long and hard before making any decision, and talk to well regarded professional therapists.

Karen.

[jesse]

my appology to the op and the community for my posts on this thread last night morning sometimes brings a more level head i hope you find peace for yourself hun
jessi

[Felix]

Jesse sometimes feelings just run high. I think everybody understands.

Kazimiri 20 is pretty young. Since stopping puberty is no longer possible for you, there's no rush to decide what to do next.

[Julie Marie]

From the OP it sounds like you are a bi male into girly things.  "given that I'm more into anal"

You also said "I still like my Penis given ultimate pursuit of seeking women" so I would rule out an orchi.  But you're at an age when you could still reduce further masculinization if you supressed testosterone which could be accomplished surgically or chemically.  You have to decide which is more important, intercourse with women or being a woman.  For the lesbian TG, this can be a tough decision.

I'd suggest finding some way you could live full time female for a while (I mean FULL TIME - no reverting back, even for a moment), at least a week, more if possible.  That would give you a little taste of life as a woman.  It's just a small taste but at least it would tell you if you wanted to experience more.

Obviously therapy would be helpful but not if you're in denial or not being completely honest with yourself.  Take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

[Kazimiri]

What I see as being plausible to me is mostly HRT, I just figure if I start HRT in Reality I'm going to be infertile, I have no particular attachment to my testis, but no desire for a vagina, I'm somewhere in the middle as being a androgyny would imply.

I'm more then accepting of critical opinions this is something major and if there are major red flags I would like to see them.

I'm not suicidal, I'm not discussed with my body I just know which of the two I have preference over.

Now re: RLE, I don't see it as being nearly applicable for someone in my case, I'm not a manly man, and I don't want to be a Girly girl, I am and want to fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
So ideally I'd be the girl that wouldn't much unlike myself, may not seem like a drastic change but its one I desire non-less.

I'm more or less trying to figure out who I need to see / get referral to get the ball rolling, as I have doubts that my GP will be able to accept my case and begin hormones without finding my mental health professional for consultation.

[toxicblue]

This is just a personal opinion, please don't think of me badly by saying it, I'm simply trying to help.

But honestly, it sounds like you are trying to rationalize and find all the reasons why you should transition. If I were you, I would stop counting reasons and start by going by how you feel. When you walk down the street, do you feel like you're a girl walking down the street, or should be a girl walking down? When you talk to people and they make assumptions about you based on you being in a male body , does that bother you at all? Do you relate better to women then men?

Because really, you could count up all the reasons you should transition, but really, I'd stop and think about emotions for a bit, because in my opinion, they are way more important than the "facts." I know it seems like you're just recently starting to throw around the idea about transitioning seriously, so I wouldn't say it's necessarily bad to count the costs and benefits. In fact, without questioning your transition, you'd really just be going forward on a delusion that you're female. But in the end, if what's inside of you tells you that you should transition, go for it.

Basically what I'm trying to say is search for what's inside of you, not what society or other people would say, but be realistic at the same time.

[Kazimiri]

I know it is best not to "try" and rationalize this type of thing.

I'm not sure if this is something unique but I really don't want to change much, I'm smack in the middle of the spectrum and thats where I imagine myself after my transition.

When I walk down the street and see some women its more of a "I wish I was her and I like the way she looks" then me being sexually attracted to her.