Any one has doubts about being transgender or not?

[beyondlabels]

I was born female but I have never felt like a woman. I see women as a completely different gender. I have never looked at a woman thinking that I want to look like her in any way (body shape, clothes, mannerism..) I have always felt indetified with men and I want to look like them. I am very disphoryc about my body shape, mostly broad hips and small shoulders, lack of muscle... I can't bear that. Puberty was very hard and I was always trying to hide my breasts. I coudln't believe that was happening to me. I cried and cried in my first period.
If I consider all of that, I should have identified myself as transgender since puberty, (I am 30 now) But then something happened, I began to feel attracted to men and I saw myself with my female genitalia having sex. I am bisexual. It was as if I were a man for my life and a woman for sex. However I still felt awkward with my breasts and I didn't like that my boyfriend touched them.  Well, as I have that feelings in sex I tried to convince myself I had to like my body too, the way it looks. I told to myself I was a very masculine girl and I had no model roles to follow. I told myself  that female bodies was always linked to girly appearance and behaviour and that made me dislike female body for association. So I spent all this years trying to like my body, trying to find my way to be a woman, but I haven't succeed. I still hate my body shape and deeply envy male body. In this time I also learned to enjoy my nipples in sex, It's a great source of arousal for me but I still don't like the way my breasts look, don't like to feel them when I run, etc..
I see myself as a man. I don't like to be a woman but my feelings about sex confuse me a lot. Now I am wondering if I have enjoy my genitalia and and  nipples just because I have learned to live with it. Now I am begining to see myself with male genitalia and it works. I can see myself well with any genitalia. I know it sounds strange but it's true.
So i wonder if any of you have gone trhough a similar process that has confused you, if any of you have inconsistent feelings in sexuality, as I have.
Thank you very much for listening!

[Kreuzfidel]

From what I've read on this forum, there are plenty of people here who feel or have felt similarly to what you have described.  In my opinion, questioning is normal and sexuality and gender/sex do not need to be polarised into gay/straight or male/female categories.  The variety of identities within the transgender spectrum is vast and you shouldn't feel as though you "have to" identify as either a man or a woman.  What's wrong with neither or something in between?

[cynthialee]

sex=/=gender

Sex is not gender.
Close but not the same.

There are many transmen who are comfortable enough with the downstairs to have penetrative sex.
That does not make them women. I defy you to watch a Buck Angel porn and tell me he is anything like a woman when he has penetrative sex. His vagina is a mans vagina and thus, any sex he has is a mans sexuality.

GID can be very confusing and come with it's own set of complications sexualy for most of us.

[Torhture]

I have, and still am, struggling with this issue. (I'm 27, I fully came out to myself when I was 26) For me. It wasn't that I 'enjoyed' sex as a female, because lets face it, my ex was lucky to get sex once a month, and that was only if he badgered the HELL out of me. I have always imagined, thought, dreamed, of myself as a male, with male genitilla. Now, that's not to say that the occasional daydream of getting boned by Jared Leto or whoever the hunky was on my mind, with my girl parts, didn't slip through my head.

I have always hated my body. I'm big, as in big boned, I'm 5'11" I weigh well over 200lbs, and my breasts are (at last 'real in store' measurement... which was when I was pregnant with my son) 34 DDD. It's not easy. I have carried and delivered a child into the world... and honestly I can say that it was the hardest 9 months of my entire life. I hated it, I hated what my body was going through, I never, ever want to experience that again, but I would never change it for the world because I got this great little monster boy who calls me Daddy (no, seriously... even with the moobs and everyone else calling me Mommy... he defies them all and calls me Daddy). But, I can't help but wish that I had been lucky enough, as some here on the forums are, to have learned, to have caught myself, to have realized what I was... before all of that. Before a failed marriage, before being mentally and emotionally abused, before having my child. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like.

And then, I come here, I see so many others who are on T, who have had the top surgery.... or who are just starting out, but they've known for years, they've been to the therapist, they've been binding and packing for years... and I just sort of stare at the threads and I wonder, I worry... am I trans enough? I wonder if I'm able to pass, if I'll ever be able to come out to my family (I'm already out to my friends and my sister), if I'll ever be able to be with my boyfriend (He's a gay man and lives several states away). So, yeah... I guess my point is, I worry about that all the time. I've never had a 'real' issue with my body. I mean, okay, I have. Because I absloutly HATE the way I look, the LARGE boobs, the 'child bearing' hips... and now that I've cut my hair short, I don't want to grow it out again. I love when someone calls me Sir on the phone. And it's those times, when I think about those things, that I sit there and say "You know what... I can't compare myself to other people, because I'm not anyone else. I am me. I am Talon Gage. I am a transgendered man. I am male. My body just hasn't caught up with me yet." After that, I'm okay.

Your journey is yours. No one can tell you if you are transgender or if you aren't. A therapist can help (which I so need to get one, because I have been in a depression like crazy with all of these thoughts recently), but they are just there to help you look within, to help you search out your feelings, and to decide for yourself if you are a man or if you aren't. But it sounds to me like, you're very much on your way to making that decision for yourself!

If you ever wanna talk, feel free to e-mail me or U2U/PM me here on the boards! I'm an open book! 

[bojangles]

Doubts are a normal part of making a big change.

I understand the worry about being "trans enough", especially in the beginning. But it's not necessary. Look for comaraderie instead of competition. You'll find it.

Try not to focus so much on differences. We're all individuals with varying stories, but have landed here for the same basic reason.
You are the only one who knows you at a deep enough level to say if you are trans or not. If you are, it's enough.

[nickm1492]

I'm turning 20 but when I was younger I thought the only way to be trans was to be a full blown guy. Penis and all. Also I had to be tall and buff. Now, I can work out the buff part, but the tall? Not so much! lol I thought for the longest time that not having a penis (Because of how horrible the bottom surgery is) would be the worst thing in the world. I've come to the conclusion I don't want that surgery. It doesn't turn out the way anyone wants (For the most part. I can't speak on EVERYONE'S behalf) and it won't function like a regular penis would.

When I met my fiancee, we ended up having sex (We identified as a lesbian couple) and that involved penetration. I thought I would absolutely hate it. Turns out, I enjoyed it. Now I see it in a positive light. Yes, I can have a strap, but I can also make love in a way bio males can't. So I just see it as having the best of both worlds. Not every FTM is the same. Some end up being gay, some bi, some straight! Some get bottom and top surgery, some just get top surgery, and some get NO surgery!

I have come to accept that people aren't part of some cookie cutter mold you know? (I'm not sure that makes sense lol) Not everyone is going to fit a certain label. That's why many people say labels shouldn't be used on anyone's sexuality.


*Edit*
Also, yes I had huge doubts before. But honestly what I saw as doubts before, now I identify as something completely different. I'm not saying it's like this for anyone but this is my experience. Doubt for me was actually fear. Doubt was a way of me ignoring reality and trying to pretend like I wasn't trans. Doubt=all the fears that prevented me from accepting myself.
Fears like never finding someone to love, losing the love from my family, never finding a job, being embarrassed to come out and have to talk to people. Things like that. Another thing was the fact that I did enjoy penetration. I thought, this must mean I'm just a really butch lesbian. Which isn't true. There are trans guys who do enjoy penetration too. I thought, this made me less of a man. Then I realized being a man doesn't mean being this macho human being who goes and chops wood down while his wife stays home and cooks/cleans. Being a man is being there for the people you love, showing your spouse that you will always be there to protect them emotionally/physically/spiritually. Being a man means owning up to your mistakes. It's not about the amount of muscle, how tall you are, how much hair you have.
It was coming to that realization that made me accept who I am. I am a transguy. Yeah, I'm not a bio male but I am a special kind of man. A man with a woman's point of view on things.

If you want to talk about anything else, feel free to ask! Everyone on here is so sweet and helpful

[wheat thins are delicious]

Because of how horrible the bottom surgery is

Please don't say things like this.  Did you know there are guys on here who have had bottom surgery?  They shouldn't have to see crap like this after they made a decision that was right for them personally.  Bottom surgery results vary greatly, I've seen some amazing phallo results and even more amazing meta results.  I wouldn't describe any bottom surgery results as horrible actually because those are people's genitals that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives and to say stuff like that about it that they could possibly see is not cool at all.  If you don't have anything nice to say about bottom surgery don't say anything at all. 

[nickm1492]

If you had read on you would see that I posted I cannot speak on everyone's behalf. That's just my opinion that bottom surgery would be horrible for ME. If people get bottom surgery it is totally up to them and I'm glad they get it if it's what they want. I understand where you are coming from. I should have chosen my words a bit more carefuly but I did make it clear that this was just in terms of my body. And that everyone is different and everyone has different needs/desires.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Yes, I did see you said that, but still throwing out ->-bleeped-<-ty statements like "because of how horrible bottom surgery is" is not making a statement that speaks for yourself.  It's a statement that should not be thrown into being no matter what.  It's not up to anyone to judge the appearance of anyone's genitals.

[nickm1492]

Yes, I did see you said that, but still throwing out ->-bleeped-<-ty statements like "because of how horrible bottom surgery is" is not making a statement that speaks for yourself.  It's a statement that should not be thrown into being no matter what.  It's not up to anyone to judge the appearance of anyone's genitals.

I admit I worded it poorly. I ADMIT to that. But the forum topic is "Anyone has doubts about being transgender or not?"
When I was in my mid-teens I was looking at pictures of bottom surgery. My idea of a penis was the average size. Not the pictures I saw. Again, MY idea. Not anyone elses. This topic is about how you felt when trying to come to terms with yourself. I'm not judging anyone's genitals! If he wants to get bottom surgery then by all means, I hope EVERYTHING turns out well and he gets exactly what it is he has wanted in his heart of hearts.
I was speaking in terms of myself. I rather just leave my lower half the way it is because to ME it isn't going to make that much of a difference anyway and it's ridiculously expensive for someone who works for the government and doesn't make a ridiculously huge paycheck. So to make things clear yet again, I was judging MY GENITALS. Not anyone elses. I KNOW it was POOR choice of words but I still stand by what I said because this was part of what had me in doubt about being trans. My lack of desire to go through bottom surgery. This was when I was in my teens. I still don't think bottom surgery is for me.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Yes, this is OT but I was trying to explain to you why your wording was problematic.  You can stop getting so worked up.   Yes you were judging others genital by saying "how horrible bottom surgery is" implying that ALL bottom surgery is horrible.   A big problem in the trans community is how guys judge other guys, sometimes without even meaning to because they don't understand problematic language.



Back to the topic at hand.  Yes I had doubts at first after all doubts are natural with any big change.   A part of the reason for my doubts was my mother's lack of support and shows of hate towards me.  Now a year later I can't believe that I ever doubted if I was making the right decision because this is the best thing I've ever done for myself. 

[nickm1492]

Yes, this is OT but I was trying to explain to you why your wording was problematic.  You can stop getting so worked up.   Yes you were judging others genital by saying "how horrible bottom surgery is" implying that ALL bottom surgery is horrible. 

LOL Wow! Dude you need to chill the hell out. First of all, apparently you're the one having issues with everyone. I saw you criticize the "man boobs" post too. Seems to me like you're the one who is easily offended.
Don't put words in my mouth when I clearly stated that I did not apply my statement to EVERYONE just myself.
I admit to my poor choice of words. And I will actually never say it's "horrible" again because you are right in that sense. But at the same time, you need to stop getting offended by every little thing. Especially when it isn't meant to hurt.

[beyondlabels]

Thank you very much! I didn't know I was going to get so many responses!They all very interesting and supportive. This forum is really alive!  Tomorrow I will comment in more detail when I have more time. Thanks to those who offered to talk with me by mail. I surely will do it.
Please Nick and Andy, don't argue  I understand both opinions. I understand many trans guys need so hard to have a penis that they are willing to go through the surgery, knowing it is... let's say "not perfect" And I understand that guys woudn't like to hear it's "horrible". And I understand it can be something umconfortable and painful that can be scary for many. I myself don't think I would like to go throught anything like that. I also think Nick wasn't talking on anyone else's behalf and for me there's no problem.

By the way, I am spanish and I live in Madrid (so don't be surprised if I spell some words wrong or speak weird because my english is not perfect) Here in Spain testosterone and surgery is free (I know how lucky we are!!) but you have to get the approval of a psychologist and a psychiatrist, i don't know exactly, so I am afraid I can't get it if I don't declare I hate my genitalia and I have all my life wanted to have a penis. That in addiction to my own doubts.

I am also scared of not being able to find a partner, a job, and also not having the support of my family, etc... I guess I need a little more time. Lately I am starting to think as myself as a man and It's becoming easier and easier with time. Much easier than thinking of me as a woman, even having had 30 years to practice. I am not a woman. I feel sure of that. Maybe my doubts are whether I am androgynous and to what extent. I don't know. But your comments have made me feel I am not the only one, and I am not so weird. Thank you very much! Tomorrow I will comment more.

[nickm1492]

Thank you very much! I didn't know I was going to get so many responses!They all very interesting and supportive. This forum is really alive!  Tomorrow I will comment in more detail when I have more time. Thanks to those who offered to talk with me by mail. I surely will do it.
Please Nick and Andy, don't argue  I understand both opinions. I understand many trans guys need so hard to have a penis that they are willing to go through the surgery, knowing it is... let's say "not perfect" And I understand that guys woudn't like to hear it's "horrible". And I understand it can be something umconfortable and painful that can be scary for many. I myself don't think I would like to go throught anything like that. I also think Nick wasn't talking on anyone else's behalf and for me there's no problem.

By the way, I am spanish and I live in Madrid (so don't be surprised if I spell some words wrong or speak weird because my english is not perfect) Here in Spain testosterone and surgery is free (I know how lucky we are!!) but you have to get the approval of a psychologist and a psychiatrist, i don't know exactly, so I am afraid I can't get it if I don't declare I hate my genitalia and I have all my life wanted to have a penis. That in addiction to my own doubts.

I am also scared of not being able to find a partner, a job, and also not having the support of my family, etc... I guess I need a little more time. Lately I am starting to think as myself as a man and It's becoming easier and easier with time. Much easier than thinking of me as a woman, even having had 30 years to practice. I am not a woman. I feel sure of that. Maybe my doubts are whether I am androgynous and to what extent. I don't know. But your comments have made me feel I am not the only one, and I am not so weird. Thank you very much! Tomorrow I will comment more.

You are from Spain, I am from Puerto Rico. So there are some cultural similarities. And if you look at my other posts, you will see I had the EXACT same fears you had. Yes, I was quicker to "come out" as trans but still, there is not "wrong" time to come out.
For the LONGEST time I was so scared of not finding someone to love and accept me. I thought, a lesbian won't want me because I physically look like a man, and a straight woman won't want me because I don't have a penis, and I cannot ever procreate naturally with her. As for jobs, I am still scared that I will face a lot of descrimination. However, I figure, if they won't hire me because I am trans, then they are doing me a favor. Why? Because I'd only face prejudice in that job. As for family, I felt like I'd be an embarrassment to them but it's been nothing but support. I'm not saying it works out like that for everyone but sometimes our family does surprise us in a good way.

What I think you should do is think long and hard about what you're going through, how you feel, and definitely talk to a therapist. It can do nothing but good in my opinion. Just talking, and writing things out, is a huge help for me too. I say you should write a letter to someone. Anyone you trust. (Don't send unless you want.) But yeah, type it out, write it whatever. And say everything you feel, and why you think you feel this way. Write why you are scared, why you think you should do it. Just get it all out in writing. I think you'd be surprised at how much this helps.

[insideontheoutside]

I understand where you're coming from ... I have a kind of different personal situation (doesn't everybody) but it's because you're comparing yourself to other people that you feel the way you do. Have you ever thought that maybe you're just a different sort of man? I personally don't feel I'm transsexual. Psychologists might call me that. Doctors might call me intersex. But neither of those things are what I think about myself in my own mind. For me, it's been a long process (I've got a few years up on you) and evolution, if you will, of mind to try to stop judging myself - to stop with the self loathing behavior because my body wasn't what I felt was a "perfect" male body. I kind of feel that if I could find my own personal "happy medium", others can find their own personal balance between mind and body that works for them.

I'm thinking that most people choose to identify as trans simply because they do want to go through transition. That's fine, if that's their chosen path to what will make them happy. For me, I finally got to the place where I realized I'm me, no matter what. I don't have to change my body drastically to BE me, if that makes sense.

And also, to @Andy8715, it's nice that you police the boards pointing out misuse of phrasing or words but every time I've seen it (including the times with me) it's been a basic attack on someone else's personal opinion where you isolate one phrase out of context to rip on - even if the rest of whatever the person said explains why they said what they did. Then of course it's always the other person's bad - even when they apologize for their supposed misstep. If someone ever came on here and just completely went off that would be a different story, but when you just zero in on one thing and chastise someone for it, it makes you look like the jerk. I would like to think that the guys on this board can take personal opinions with a grain of salt.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I would like to think that the guys on this board can take personal opinions with a grain of salt.

There is a difference between saying

I thought for the longest time that not having a penis (Because of how horrible the bottom surgery is) would be the worst thing in the world.

and saying "Surgery results are not for me."  The second phrasing is better because it doesn't bash surgery results of others, which you are doing when you say bottom surgery is horrible.  Not to mention that saying that about bottom surgery did not add anything insightful or special to his sentence.

[cadeliara@yahoo.com]

Take a gander at this vid.

She hit's the nail on the head quite a few times. If you don't care for the idiosyncracies, I apologize, but the message is worth waiting for.

http://www.youtube.com/user/translabyrinth#p/u/1/Y2uAK6jXKCQ

[beyondlabels]

sex=/=gender
I defy you to watch a Buck Angel porn and tell me he is anything like a woman when he has penetrative sex. His vagina is a mans vagina and thus, any sex he has is a mans sexuality.

GID can be very confusing and come with it's own set of complications sexualy for most of us.

Amazing! I didn't know him!

The variety of identities within the transgender spectrum is vast and you shouldn't feel as though you "have to" identify as either a man or a woman.  What's wrong with neither or something in between?

It's weird because I don't feel like a woman at all. I don't want to look like them, I don't like to have a female body and I don't like girly stuff. But for many years I have imagined myself with female body just for sex. So if I say " I am in the middle" in that sense I feel it's wrong becasue I don't feel I have a female identity  at all.
I have been repressing the desire of having male genitalia for some time because I was scared of breaking the schemes of my gender that I had been building for years and I was afraid of wanting something I could never have. I began to have that desire when I fell in love with a girl and I wanted to penetrate her but repressed it and tryied to think of lesbian sex. Now I am brave enough to explore my identity and sexuality with no prejudices and I am imagining myself with male genitalia to see how I feel and it's working well. I like it. But I don't think that's going to change that I enjoy penetrative sex with my vagina. I've been living like that  many years and I am sure that was real too.

It's not easy. I have carried and delivered a child into the world... and honestly I can say that it was the hardest 9 months of my entire life. I hated it, I hated what my body was going through, I never, ever want to experience that again,

I have a real phobia of pregnancy and delivery. I remember feeling like that since I have in my mind the concept of pregnancy. I was told I was a woman and the tought that I one day would have to go through that was frightening. Having a living being inside, having a so fat belly, being with my legs spread all surrouned by doctors staring at my croth.... All of that sounds grotesque to ME. ( and i repeat: "to me") It's wonderful that millions of women all over the world are proud to be mothers, but that's not for me. It's a pity that i can have a biological child any other way.

Your journey is yours. No one can tell you if you are transgender or if you aren't. A therapist can help (which I so need to get one, because I have been in a depression like crazy with all of these thoughts recently), but they are just there to help you look within, to help you search out your feelings, and to decide for yourself if you are a man or if you aren't.

I am doing the paperwork to see a therapist. I don't want to go directly to the state medical service becasue I am afraid they don't give me the testosterone if I talk about my ambiguous feelings and my doubts. I want to find out if they are tolerant with this kind of things. Although if I  decide to fake with the state therapist i guess it's going to be really hard because I think you have to be in therapy for two years before starting the HRT.
Do you think  a therapist can "decide for yourself if you are a man or if you aren't"? I think no one can decide that for yourself (or no one should). They can help you deciding though.

But it sounds to me like, you're very much on your way to making that decision for yourself!

Right now I feel I am looking forward to take T. When I imagine the changes in my face, muscle mass, body fat pattern... I feel exuberant! I feel my forbiden dreams (forbiden by myself) could become real. I wish I had the words to explain how much I am loving this new feeling of hope. I am not a woman. It's been very hard all this years to fit in this role.

When I met my fiancee, we ended up having sex (We identified as a lesbian couple) and that involved penetration. I thought I would absolutely hate it. Turns out, I enjoyed it.

Exactly what happened to me with my breasts. So I have a very strange feeling. I don't like them but after a top surgery I might feel strange without them. On the other hand I don't think I really feel my breasts as female breast. They are quite small and I think I somehow feel them as quite bulky and sensitive male chest.

Some end up being gay, some bi, some straight! Some get bottom and top surgery, some just get top surgery, and some get NO surgery!

Really? I have never seen a FTM with no top surgery. Anyway I don't think the spanish state would give people  HRT to get an androgynous body, and let people change their names still having breasts.  Society still has a long, very long way to go to understand anything in between categories and I am afraid doctors are the same. I dream of a world where labels are not so restrictive and there are plenty of people coming out in very different ways, some with androgynous bodies, a world where you don't have only two boxes to define your gender and gender is not a so huge source of prejudices about how one person is expected to behave. I guess most of you have that kind of dream. It would be much easier for people to get in touch with their own identity in a world like that.

Take a gander at this vid.

She hit's the nail on the head quite a few times. If you don't care for the idiosyncracies, I apologize, but the message is worth waiting for.

http://www.youtube.com/user/translabyrinth#p/u/1/Y2uAK6jXKCQ

Great video! Yes, she hits the nail.

All your comments have been very interesting. I think this is the longest post I have ever written in a forum! 

[cynthialee]

If you have been wondering if you are androgynous instead of FTM, then let me take this time to direct you to the Unicorn Forest here on Susans where you will find a plethora of Androgyn and bigender identified people who would be more than willing to talk with you.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html