Helping partner adjust sexually?

[Konnor]

So I feel kind of dumb asking this, but I'm not sure where else to go. I'll try to make it short! My boyfriend identifies as pansexual, but he's only been with MAAB guys thus far. When we first started dating, he said he was totally fine with my identity and he's totally respected me so far. Introduced me as his partner, Konnor, with male pronouns and everything. He even doesn't mind the switching back and forth with names/prounouns with certain people. So overall, he's been great about it. However, we had our first uh...overnight date haha. We live a few hours apart so until now it's only been day dates. The sex topic was brought up after we were making out, and it seems that he is a little more sensitive to my downstairs than he had previously thought. He said he's willing to try eventually, but right now he just needs time. He's also planning to do some research since he's quite new to the whole thing. He assures me that everything will probably work out, but I'm really freaking out that he's never going to be okay with it and I'll lose him over this. I'm totally not going to pressure him into anything, but I do feel that sex is kind of important if you are going to be in a serious, long term relationship. My question is, do any of you guys have any tips of how I can make him more at ease with this? 

[insideontheoutside]

I'm in a relationship where sex doesn't actually happen because of both parties "weird" issues. Somehow we make it work, mostly. The thing is, if you're just starting to see this guy (like it's early in the relationship), it probably will take a lot of time to adjust. I would say that he's on a good start from what you describe, but being confronted with "girl parts" (no disrespect by calling it that but just trying to see it from the point of view from someone not trans) might be something that takes a little more time to get around. I'd suggest doing other things like making out, leading up to exploratory touching before any clothes actually come off. Definitely take it in steps and don't push too fast for something to happen. Hope that all makes sense.

[Elijah3291]

I think he needs to just learn more about the female anatomy and you need to tell him what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with.  you could start by doing stuff for him, then he will be more reared up to go at you and will hopefully lose his nervousness in the heat of the moment

[Konnor]

Thanks for the replies guys! Yeah, I definitely think you're right inside. It's probably going to take a while for him to become comfortable with it. I just hope he is eventually. I really don't want to lose this guy, we're so good together. I think we'll probably take the baby steps route and see how that goes. I mean, he doesn't have any problems being attracted to me. It's just that my downstairs is very foreign and unknown to him. I hope we can figure out a way to make things work like you and your partner did!

Elijah, haha yeah I thought about that and it might have worked. But I respect him too much to pressure him into doing anything. We're both the kind of guys who only mess around with people we love, and we've only been together a few weeks so far. So even if he were okay with it, I doubt we would be sleeping together yet anyway. I'm just going to try not to worry about it and enjoy being together. Much easier said than done though!

[Wolfsnake]

It seems to me that the best sex involves lots and lots and lots of talking about what everyone involved wants and needs, and plenty of creative visualization by all partners, in order to get past the "wrong junk" issue.

My BF was a good little Catholic virgin from a conservative town when we started dating, so I had to have some extremely awkward conversations about anatomy, how conception worked, how birth control worked, and so forth. It was mortifying at the time, but I'm glad we both got on the same page early on. Being able to talk about your body, even if it makes you uncomfortable, will save you a lot of discomfort and resentment in the future.

Even with all the clear communication in the world, though, FtM anatomy can be threatening and foreign if you've never interacted with it before.  It feels different, smells different, and reacts differently to stimulation than cisgendered male or female anatomy. It can also be very intimidating to someone who feels confident in his ability to please cisgendered partners, but totally lost at sea when it comes to pleasing FtMs. It's like being an awkward virgin all over again, rather than an experienced sex partner. And in addition, the FtM partner may be extremely uncomfortable with sex and intimacy, and may be turned off by seemingly innocuous words or touches. It's tricky. It's walking on eggshells at first.

It may take some time for your boyfriend to come to terms with all this. I'd definitely give it time--getting over any negative or anxious feelings he may have could be the beginning of something new and amazing. If, in the end, it doesn't work out...just remember that's okay. Sometimes things don't work out. You learn from them, you enjoy them while they last, and then you move on to something even better. I found it was much easier to enjoy intimacy with my partner once I let go of the fears I had about his ability to be attracted to me. YMMV, of course, but it really reduced my anxiety. I realized that the worst that could happen was that we'd stop having sex. We'd still be good friends, so I knew I'd never lose him completely.

If you'd like to talk about anything sex and intimacy-related in specific, feel free to ask here or by PM. I;m not an expert or anything, but I;m happy to talk if that would help.

[Torhture]

Funny how I just sort of had this same conversation with my boyfriend. We're in a long distance relationship, a couple of hours away is more like a full day's drive or longer. We both know that we won't actually meet, in person, until my surgery date (which is set far in the future, so far that I don't even have a doctor yet). We both also know that he is fully gay, attracted to men, and men alone. The female stuff freaks him out... a lot. And I suppose, that up until yesterday, neither one of us had bothered to mention the 'downstairs' anatomy and how it might or might not change. Then suddenly, there is this huge elephant in the room. He doesn't know if he could ever handle the downstairs aspect of the relationship because he's not attracted to that, I certiantly don't know if I will ever have the surgery for getting 'new' equiptment. It seems a bit too risky to me right now, but even then, I'd still have all of the female plumbing ne? But anyway. We have both talked about it, thought about it, and we're going to take it one step at a time, concqure that bridge when we come to it. We both realize that it will take time, and that he may never be able to make love to me or be with me sexually because of the 'wrong plumbling' but we're both willing to work at it.

That's what a relationship needs. Talk to your boyfriend, explain things, offer to show him how you like to be pleasured (when the time comes), give him suggestions for what to do, how to do it better, ect. And in the meantime, enjoy getting to know him and him getting to know you. Life is about the journey! ^_^

[Felix]

I don't want to be crass about such a delicate issue, but are you a top? If you're not, or not fully, then you should have an avenue for exploration. He doesn't have to face your "female" parts right away, does he?

[Konnor]

@Wolfsnake, thank you so much. Your reply really helped. I definitely worry a lot about him being attracted to me, or deciding he only wants a MAAB birth guy. I'm sure you're right in that things would be much easier if I could let go of those fears. I'm not on T yet, so my junk is pretty normal for FAAB, I'd think. You're right though, there are certain words and touches that I'm not into. Once we get closer to actually doing stuff down there, I'll let him know what I'm into and what I'm not. Thanks again man!

Torhture, neat to hear about someone else going through this. I'm not planning on T or bottom surgery at this time, so what's down there is what's down there for good for me. I think your strategy will work best, just taking things one step at a time and not rushing. I hope things work out for you guys!!

Felix, honestly we haven't talked about if he's willing to bottom or not. I've never topped anyone with a strap on or anything. I'd def be willing if he wanted to though. We've mostly just been focused on him topping me. Or if you meant he could use my other hole, I haven't actually bottomed that way before, but if he decides he can't face the "female" parts yet, I'll probably offer to try that if he wants. We have a lot of talking to do 

[Wolfsnake]

Konnor, I'm happy it helped. Let me know if you want to talk any time. 

[lilacwoman]

pansexual is a fancy word but if he really is pansexual he'd be happy to be close to a vagina...as he's not he's fooling both of you and he's really just a homosexual who needs a male body for a long term partner.
gay guys sex lives actually makes them dislike fem smells so don't expect him to get close to yours

[MetaFic]

This is what me and my mate are exploring right now. Unlike your relationship, though, I'm having the opposite issue at hand. My guy has never been with someone who identifies as trans., let alone another guy. We talked a lot of things through, discussing his feeling and his sexuality (he's admitted to being bicurious, which helps that he's willing to explore this other side of him) and my thoughts and feelings in being more true to my gender.  It probably also helps that we share similiar tastes in bedroom.

Right now, the best advice I can offer is echoing what many have already said, communication is a huge part of it; being honest and not holding back important feelings or thoughts is important too. It felt like I was hiding a big part of myself when I did and/or I was lying to him. Taking one step at time helped too; it gave both parties time to think about what the other said and didn't rush into something that might have felt more awkward and uncomfortable if we didn't wait.

[Konnor]

@lilac, uh...not sure that helps but thanks! I think pansexual, atleast for him, means that he's open to dating anyone based more on the connection we have rather than specific gender labels. I don't think he hates fem smells or whatever. He's just nervous and new to this. I guess we'll see.

@Metafic, good luck with your mate man! Even though the situation is a bit different, the approach to it is the same. It sounds like you guys will end up being just fine, which is what I hope happens with me and my man! We're definitely working on being very open with our feelings and talking things out. I think that's the best way to handle things, along with the taking things one step at a time.