New member hoping to get opinions on something

[Quin]

Hey all, this is the second post I've made here (just typed up an intro board post), but I was hoping to get the perspectives of others on the board that seem to have more experience with gender issues than I do.  I'm trying to figure out where I stand, and am utterly confused.

I've self identified for years as a gay man, but I've never been certain if I'm a transgendered, straight woman.  Since I was very young, I've had serious issues with my body and body image that I've been very hard pressed to explain or understand, and I've always had an attraction to the female form that further confused me when I was younger (as the only real sexual attraction I feel is to men).  I feel as though my body has never physically fit me, and the idea of being a woman just seems more comfortable in every way.  In terms of sex, I have to admit that I'm physically repulsed with my own looks.  I work out and have a very athletic body... it's just a guys's body.  Although I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy, we almost never have sex for that reason, which I feel really bad about (given that it's because of my hangups).

So far things seem clear cut, don't they?  The thing is that in almost every typical issue of identity, I'm a guy.  I like hanging out with guys.  I like calling a buddy an ->-bleeped-<- when he beats me at a game and laughing about it with him.  I don't rebel against any of the kinds of gender roles that guys typically fill.  I don't "act" when I fill them.  I act completely naturally and I fit that role without even trying.  That's why I'm so confused about the situation.  With every TG/TS person that I've ever talked to, they've talked about how they always felt like they wanted to play with the opposite gender's toys as a child, or wanted to wear makeup when they were growing up as a boy, or things like that.  Things I've never experienced.  I like fashion I suppose... but if anything, that's an exception for me.

The issue of physical identity is one that I suppose has been easier to ignore for me than for a lot of people.  If someone has a personal identity that they can't express through action, that would affect much more of their lives than this does for me.  That having been said, things seem to be coming to a head here, and I'm not sure how to handle them.  I don't want to "come out" as TG, because I don't even know if that describes me, and moreover because I don't want to suddenly have people assuming that I want to act differently or have them act differently to me.  If anyone here has any insight they could offer, it would be very much appreciated, as I feel utterly out of my depth to sort this out right now.

[cynthialee]

Only you can diagnose if you are transgender.

A qualified gender therapist can help you find that answer.

[eli77]

The thing is that in almost every typical issue of identity, I'm a guy.  I like hanging out with guys.  I like calling a buddy an ->-bleeped-<- when he beats me at a game and laughing about it with him.  I don't rebel against any of the kinds of gender roles that guys typically fill.  I don't "act" when I fill them.  I act completely naturally and I fit that role without even trying.  That's why I'm so confused about the situation.  With every TG/TS person that I've ever talked to, they've talked about how they always felt like they wanted to play with the opposite gender's toys as a child, or wanted to wear makeup when they were growing up as a boy, or things like that.  Things I've never experienced.  I like fashion I suppose... but if anything, that's an exception for me.

The majority of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. I swear more than I should. Growing up my sports were soccer, skating, swimming, archery, fencing, and martial arts. I loved them all, genuinely. I plan to get back into some of them after I recover from my surgeries. I think barbies are stupid and I hate pink. My favourite toys were ninja turtles, transformers, and above all LEGO. I've never had much interest in makeup, and I still rarely use it. My hero was a girl from a book who dressed like a boy so she could become a knight. And I've never worn a skirt.

<--- Still a girl.

People come in all kinds. Only you can know what you are.

[Quin]

My hero was a girl from a book who dressed like a boy so she could become a knight.

Ok, that right there is right where I am.  Just hearing someone else say something like that is somehow a huge relief.  Paradoxicaly, girls that pretend they are guys are exactly how I tend to envision myself.  I'm happy with all of the interactions that I have with people and where I am socially in every aspect of life, it's just the physical aspect of my body that has been the hanging point.  I suppose that's why it has been as confusing to me this far, as well.

[Sophie]

Yeah it is really up to you what gender you really are. It's ok to be confused about it. Maybe try to work with a therapist to sort out how YOU feel. You don't have to fall into a stereotypical role as a woman to be a woman or vice versu to be a man. 

Best of luck to you

[Padma]

Agreed. what sex (to use that old-fashioned term) and what gender, and what sexuality you experience yourself as are way different issues.

I feel myself to have always been female (as far as what my body should be like is concerned) but I'm much more out in the androgyne forest when it comes to gender identity, and I'm kind of bi/lesbian and kind of a tomboy. So I aspire to be a woman who looks boyish, and as far as activities and preferences go, I'm neither particularly boyish or particularly girly.

Being who you actually are is a viable option for each of us, despite what the world (including, at times, the trans world) tries to tell us about who we "should" be. The "should" stuff is generally very coarse-grained and digital, and has no room in its definitions for a seamless spectrum of possibilities in all directions. Just ask yourself: If I could be anybody I want, being any way I want, dressing any way I want, doing anything I want - who would I be? see what answers come up (quickly, before you start to edit) and then don't assume you'd have to be the same a month from now. Play with your Self (if you see what I mean...) - your Self is probably long overdue for some play .

[JoanneB]

IMHO if you worked hard to have great looking guy's body and still hate it, it might just be plain ole Body Identity Disorder. No reason why a gay man cannot have it. Doesn't mean you're trans. Plenty of people from both sexes do.

Just the thought of me actually having six-pack abs, monster arms, or most of what I think looks great on a guy is enough to get me running and screaming into the night!  lol I never wanted any of that no matter how badly I wanted to be "normal"

[AndromedaVox]

None of us can tell you who/what you are, however, to me, it sounds like you identify with the female body much more than the male one, yet you like doing stereotypical masculine things. There are plenty of women (and transwomen) who like to do masculine things as well, so that doesn't necessarily mean you are not trans. However, you may not be.

I think the first suggestion of finding a gender therapist is a great start. That will help you to really delve deeper into how you feel about yourself and find out if transition is right for you. For a lot of us, transition is a life or death kind of thing, but identity can still be blurry and hard to figure out. Know that you are not alone in this! Best of luck to you

AV

[eli77]

Ok, that right there is right where I am.  Just hearing someone else say something like that is somehow a huge relief.  Paradoxicaly, girls that pretend they are guys are exactly how I tend to envision myself.  I'm happy with all of the interactions that I have with people and where I am socially in every aspect of life, it's just the physical aspect of my body that has been the hanging point.  I suppose that's why it has been as confusing to me this far, as well.

Glad to be of service! These are the books in question: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Song_of_the_Lioness. I also loved Viola of Twelfth Night - though she totally should have married Olivia and not that jerk Orsino. (Sorry, I'm a bit queer. )

For me, the body issues ended up poisoning everything else in my life after I hit puberty. But yes, it has always been a physical thing for me. There are trans girls who are also tomboys. Not a ton of us, but some. Perhaps you would like this movie? http://www.artflick.com/ It's about Gwen Haworth and her transition. She's non-femme.

And I would also suggest talking to a therapist. Not because they'll be able to tell you who you are, but cause maybe by talking it out, you'll be able to tell them who you are. Best of luck.

[cynthialee]

Regardless if you are trans or not we would love to know how this turns out for you, and congradulate you on your impending self revalations regardless of which way this turns out for you.
You do not need to be trans for us to give you support and root you on to whatever place life takes you.

Please keep us posted.

[Quin]

Thank you guys for all the thoughtful replies and perspectives!  I'm not sure exactly what direction I'll take from here, but if nothing else, there's a good amount to just mull over and consider here.  I do realize that there's not going to be any kind of definitive test other than my own opinion on the matter, but I'm glad to have some suggestions in terms of directions to explore.  I'm kind of twitchy about the idea of a therapist or anything (some bad experiences from college when I was seeing a school psych), but I suppose I should just suck that up and actually get around to it.

IMHO if you worked hard to have great looking guy's body and still hate it, it might just be plain ole Body Identity Disorder. No reason why a gay man cannot have it. Doesn't mean you're trans. Plenty of people from both sexes do.

This is something that I'm kind of on the lookout for, honestly.  Some of the issues I've had with my body are really out there, and not related to gender at all.  Because of that, I'm wary of jumping to any kind of conclusions or decisions too hastily.

[eshaver]

On looking at the responses thus far , I noticed where you and only you can determine what you yourself believe to be . By that, I consider myself to be a transgender individual as I never cared for men . Oh they're nice for a casual date . However, I'm not into sex with a guy . I always loathed my Male parts . At least , I can go one with the rest of my life as the person I wish to proclaim .......... ellen