Coming out letter

[asheh]

I have already come out to my mum before and have seen a therapist but stopped when being told i was always going to be her 'baby girl'. This was roughly a year ago and I feel it's getting to the point where nothing is changing and waiting is just useless.

If possible, could you please read over this and tell me what you think. Also, if you are out to your parents and they know you use this forum.. If you could get them to read over it and ask what their reaction would be and then let me know, that would be great. Thanks. (p.s My sisters name is Kim if you are wondering whilst reading and she is 20 years old.)


mum,

i know you have probably either thought i am 'over' this or maybe you are still thinking about it, but lately i have been thinking a lot again about gender. i am going to apologise beforehand because i know this is not what you want to hear and i guess no parent ever does want to because they may think they have done something wrong where in actual fact they have done nothing wrong at all.. i mean look at kim. i don't think you could get a girlier girl if you tried with all that makeup she has.

i stopped trying to think about it when you said i will always be your 'baby girl' because i felt like a disappointment to you and as though if i did this i wouldn't be good enough but really.. i am still the same person, the only difference would be me looking how i feel. i know i'm not as bad as some people are when they are not being seen as how they feel, but i think this may be because from a young age gender wasn't on my mind at all.. and i'm pretty sure you also see it (i see it from looking back at photos and stuff) i must've just grown up thinking i was a boy or something. it may also be because as you remember when i joined habbo back when i was 12 (memories) i joined naturally online with a guy avatar and never thought anything of it except to call myself jack - a name i don't even really like? i then sometimes continued to go online posing as a guy because it makes me feel comfortable and natural - although the name changed to brendon as when i went through my Panic at the disco stage, i liked that name and it has always been a name i like and just have stuck with. even if i log onto habbo randomly these days when i get bored, people that i was friends with on there when i joined up and still use it still talk to me and honestly, their friendships are more true than any i have in real life. i'm not sure why this is because most people i haven't really talked to online for that long compared to knowing people in person but i just feel real online.

you may notice a lot that i flip my fringe a lot. this is because i've noticed from when i look in the mirror it makes me look more as a boy.. although i sometimes feel i have to change that when i go out because i don't want people to be like boy?girl?what? so i just deal with it because i know when i get home i can just chuck a shirt and boxer shorts on and not think about that kinda stuff. also, with the whole not feeling as bad as other people may with things such as dysphoria or hating their body, i think a real reason i am not that bad is because i'm pretty much flat chested anyway and the bra i wear is not noticeable. that is also why i usually wear jumpers all the time tho.

i have been looking more into top surgery tho and have found a surgeon in sydney. i also did research on there and found out if you join a health fund and are a member for i think it was at least 12 months then you can get the discounts. instead of having to pay $6000 out of pocket, you only end up paying about $1500-$2000.. but that would be at least 12 months away. Saying that though, there is a surgeon in America who from what I have seen has the most flawless results after scarring has toned down.. although that would be about $7000 + flights which sucks because I don't want to wait 3 years until I have that amount of money when I could try get less for the Sydney one even tho her results usually require fix ups and revisions.

i would really like to go back to a therapist and get a letter to see an edocrinologist about starting T as soon as possible because i feel i have waited long enough and the feelings have never changed. i can do all this alone when i turn 18 as that is when i can legally make my own decisions, but i guess i would rather get it done before my 18th birthday, not only because of the smaller wait.. but because i guess it would kind of show your support.. which i think is pretty necessary and i know you would understand this because i am sure you have seen people unsupportive of people like uncle tim for being gay.

i know i say a lot that i don't want kids but i'm not sure if its because i can't see myself as a mum. i could see myself as a dad. nothing againsts mums tho i try to picture in my head what i can see myself as when i am older, both as an old lady and an old man.. but i just don't like the old lady one because it doesn't feel like me. i know i might do some girly things but i guess that is because it's just how i have been raised so it becomes natural after a while.

i think being online as a boy has helped me to realise that i can associate with people better as one and feel more comfortable talking to them, even if it is only typing. that is also a reason i like to be on the computer a lot.. it just lets me be myself for a good long time and makes me forget about anything.

i think starting now is really important to me as you know i don't plan on living in perth in a few years time and i want to be transitioned as much as possible before leaving so i can make friends and not have to explain why i suddenly sound like a boy.

the only place i feel i would really struggle to come out is at karate as i have made friends and they are younger and could not understand and i don't want to look like a 'freak' or something everytime i go there.

also, i'm thinking a question that may be in your head right now is if i like girls. the answer to that is i just like people. i don't like people for looks or gender, i like them for personality. i do think i prefer boys to girls tho, although it doesn't bother me as i'm not looking for a relationship because of the job i want and if i get seriously into it as you travel a lot therefore you don't have much time to have a family which i don't overly mind as long as i can take my pets everywhere.

i understand if you want to talk to dad about this or even granny or uncle tim because i think he would perhaps understand as he probably knows a bit more about the LGBT community. also if you want to talk to kim about it that is fine, she is going to find out sooner or later.

[JohnAlex]

I might be giving you bad advise here since I'm not a parent and I don't know your mum.

But I would consider taking out the part where you talk about top surgery.  reason being, I think it could be overwhelming to her to think of all these changes happening to her "little girl" at once.  Not that the changes will happen at once, but she will be thinking of them all at once, and it could be too much for her.
Maybe just try telling her that you want to transition and want to see a therapist.  then in a few months bring up T.  then in a few more months, bring up top surgery.


But also, on the flip side, maybe it is good to talk about this all at once, because it does show just how SURE you are of this decision.  I think you did write your letter very well.  You sound very calm and sure of your decision.  It sounds very well thought out.  And then leaving in the part about top surgery shows that all the more.  it shows just how far you KNOW you want to go with your transition. 


So, Idk, I don't know your mom.  only you do.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Here is the letter I sent my mother, Tara is my sister:

Dear Mama

After much consideration I have come to the conclusion that I am transgender. This means that although I was born in a female body, I am male. I've been having some serious thoughts and doubts about my gender identity since high school. I was and am uncomfortable dressing in a feminine way. I have always disliked the feminine appearance of my body. And when I fill out forms where I have to choose a gender option, I dislike having to choose "female", because I do not feel like I am female. When I left home for college I began to feel more free to explore things online, specifically transgender support. I learned a lot more than I already knew about that group that I had only an inkling of while living in Jackson. Transgender people are just as diverse as any other group of people, and that this was the word I'd been looking for to describe how I felt. This was a relief, and at the same time it was really scary – being trans isn't easy, and I knew from the beginning that becoming myself would probably be the most difficult thing I ever did. But it's something I must do. The alternative would be to continue living an inauthentic life as a woman, and to continue going through the day being called by a name that is wrong, pronouns that are wrong, and in a body that doesn't match how I view myself.  I would rather simply be who I really am.

I feel like the time is now pertinent for me to tell you this because first, I know that you saw that video and Tara and I both think I should just tell you. Secondly these feelings have only become stronger and stronger in the past year. I continue to feel a mismatch between how others see me and how I see myself. My anxiety everyday over this makes my heart feel like it's struggling to beat and I can't deal with this discomfort. I plan to look into taking steps to come out and tell others, begin taking testosterone, bind my breasts and socially transitioning. I feel that if I were to do this and begin to be seen as the man I feel myself to be my anxiety will lessen, I will hate myself less, and will be calmer.

I know that you might not understand this or even believe it to be right based on your views but I am asking that you support me and try to understand my feelings in this. We can go to therapy together if you want to discuss this with one but he or she will have to be one who has had experience with dealing with gender issues. I invite you to come discuss this with me any concerns or questions you may have in a non-confrontational matter.

I will always love you and want you to remember just because the outside changes doesn't mean the inside does.

[wheat thins are delicious]

And this is the letter she sent me in return.  This happened over a year ago.  She has taken some changes for the better imo.  She doesn't call me my birth name in public, though she still calls me it.  She has accidentally called me he numerous times (I say accidentally because to her it was an accident).  Just the other day she called me Mister then quickly corrected to Missy but that is all good signs to me.  Another very good sign to me is that she has stopped introducing me to people as her daughter.  She'll say this is my child, or "I'm the mother"  I think she realized how ridonk she looks when introducing a person who has thick facial hair, a flat chest, and a deep voice as her daughter.

Dear A----,
I call you A---- because you are A---- and will always be A----. I love you more then words can ever say. I have loved you from the second you were conceived in my womb. I had prayed for years for God to let me get married and have a little baby girl with red hair. You were born my baby girl and you had red hair! I know that God answered my prayers and God intended and does intend for you to be a girl. God is the center of my life. He has been there for me through a lot of bad times and good times in my life. I do not believe that God would answer my prayer and send me a beautiful girl only to let Satan take her away from me. I know I have failed you as a mother. I did not take you to church enough as a child and did not teach you enough about God. I allowed you to have unlimited access to the Internet where you saw and read things that a young child should not have seen. I am so sorry for this failure. The only thing I can say is I love you and have always loved you and only want the best for you. I pray every day for God to help you. I know you are at war in your own mind about your feelings about yourself. I know this is a torture to you. Just because you have a female body does not mean you have to dress female or wear makeup or fix your hair like a female. But it does not mean that you are meant to turn that body into a male. I do not believe that it is right to do that.

I can remember you being a little girl in beautiful frilly dresses and you loved it. I can remember you buying that beautiful prom dress and putting on make-up and and fixing your hair and how pretty you felt and you loved it! There have been times when you have worn some make-up and loved the way it made you feel. You are a beautiful woman. I believe that seeing and reading stuff about transgender and talking to others a lot about it can brainwash a person into believing that is what they should do when really it is not.

I really do believe you need to go back to the counselor. Changing your gender is not as easy as they make it seem on TV and the Internet. We live in a small town. We live in the Bible Belt of the South. I am afraid the reactions you get from people are going to send you into a deeper depression then you have ever been in. I just do not want that for you. I believe if you will accept your body as it is you will be much better off. It does not mean you have to be a feminine person. Who you are is not really determined by what your body looks like. Who you are is what you are inside.

I love you so very much and I always will no matter what. But I will not help you to change the body God gave you. I will not be there at doctors with you. I will not be there should you have any kind of surgery. You will have to do all that on your own. It will not be easy and it will not be cheap. I honestly do not believe you can ever afford to have this done. I just pray that you will go to counseling and learn to accept who you are the way you are. You are a very special person. God has given you so many talents and made you such a smart person.

Just always remember that I love you. I am not coming down on you for wanting to change your gender, but I do not agree with it and as I said I am praying for God to help you.

You can talk to me anytime about all this and I will listen and pray for you and with you if you want.

I love you so very much!
Love your Mama always

[wheat thins are delicious]

I wouldn't send that letter yet if I were you.  It's pretty rambling and I think it should be more clear and concise sounding.

[MaxAloysius]

I would have to agree with what John Alex about taking out the bit about surgery. I think for a letter like this you want to get the message across with the bare minimum of hurt on your mother's side, and the best way to do that may be to take things slow and one step at a time.

On an unrelated note, you say you found a surgeon in Sydney (Hassall?)? I take from that that you live in Australia? I'd PM you about this, but I know that with your few posts you couldn't reply back. I'd be interested in knowing whereabouts, as it could help in finding you something like a local gender clinic or support group, and such groups are often more than happy to talk to parents on your behalf, or to connect perents with other people with trans children so they can talk through their issues and feelings a little better. There is also a surgeon in Brisbane (who I will be going to) who gets good results and who I've heard good things about.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I hope you don't mind, but I sort of edited your letter for you.  I think the parts you should leave out are telling her that you want to transition sooner so you don't go to karate looking like a "freak".  That's hurtful language to trans people and not good to put hate language in a letter to someone you are trying to get on your side.  Saying you must have grown up thinking you were a boy, that's just gonna let her think that you are somehow damaged from childhood.  Saying she can talk to your sister or whoever.  She's not gonna tell her about it because from the sounds of it since you already came out to your mom once, if she denies you are trans she's not going to talk to your sister about it.


Mum,

I know you may have though I was "over" being trans because I haven't brought it up lately and I've been trying to present as a girl, but I have been thinking about my gender identity a lot lately.  The reason I tried to stop thinking about it and to act the part of a girl is that when you said that I would always be your "baby girl" I felt like I was being a disappointment to you and that if I didn't try to be a girl I would not be good enough for you.

This is something I have thought about and felt for a very long time.  When I first joined Habbo at age 12, I started with a male avatar and a male name because it just felt right and more comfortable.  Talking to people who saw me only as male allowed me to realize this is what is right for me.

You may have noticed a change in my appearance like that I flip my fringe often and wear mainly jumpers.  That is because I feel it makes me look more like the boy I was meant to be.  It makes me feel good to look in the mirror and be able to almost see what I am supposed to look like.

I would really like to go back to a therapist and get a letter to see an endocrinologist about starting T as soon as possible because I feel I have waited long enough and the feelings have never changed.  The sooner I am able to start the necessary steps to live in my correct gender the sooner I can start to feel more at ease with myself.  I can do all this alone when I turn 18 as that is when I can legally make my own decisions and will if I have to, I would prefer that it get done before then, not only because of the smaller wait but because that would mean I have your support.

I also think starting now is really important to me as you know I don't plan on living in Perth in a few years' time and I want to be transitioned as much as possible before leaving so I can make friends as the gender I am meant to be.

I love you.

[bojangles]

Andy's version is more to the point.
Good to keep it simple. Stick to what you really want them to hear.

[asheh]

Thanks everyone.

Okay, I'll wait a while for the top surgery part, I guess I thought I'd add it in there because I have already told her that I am trans and gone to therapy for it but her denial stopped me.

Thankyou a bunch for editing that for me, sounds much more to the point!

Now I'm not sure when to send it to her. I don't know if I should wait until after NEXT Saturday when she has decided to go to a Pride Parade when she has perhaps seen a few trans people there and watched them and stuff and even talked to some, or if it won't make a difference and I should just go for it.

[wheat thins are delicious]

If you feel like sending her the letter won't change her mind about going to the pride parade (cause I'd be worried she might decide not to go if she got the letter) then I'd send it now.  Maybe right before you leave for school so that she has all day to think it over before she will see you again. 

[asheh]

I'm not worried she won't go, I'm just thinking she may be able to see a bit more of the lgbt community and have a slightly different view. (my uncle is gay- her brother- so she is already kind of accepting.)

Also, I don't go to school anymore, I finished about 2 months ago.