Concerns about partner

[Ayden]

Is it normal to have concerns about your partner even if they are very supportive? I guess, my main concern is that we have been living as a hetero couple for several years. We have been together for about 8 now. He is really supportive about my being trans, and was the one who even brought up the conversation to begin with. But, part of me can't help but feel a little worried. He identifies as a gay man, though he has not come out to anyone yet. Even though he says he is supportive, part of me feels selfish to ask him to go through this with me. He has never had the experience to be with another (bio) guy.

I feel really afraid to lose him through this, since we have been together for so long. I really do love him. But I don't want him to sacrifice anything of himself for me.

Any other guys have to go through this with your partners?

[insideontheoutside]

Wait ... so you've been together for 8 years as a hetro couple? Doesn't that already mean he's sacrificed to be with you if he's a gay man? How have you been in the romantic department with him all those 8 years? I would think if he's gay, then he'd be totally stoked you'd be transitioning.

[Ayden]

Haha. Yeah. We have been together for 8 years, and he is very happy that I am now able to finally be myself. We have been intimate the whole time, but we met in highschool and I have been in denial this whole time about who I really am.

He is happy that I can finally be me. I can finally be Ayden. But, my coming out means he has to as well. He has lived as a straight man in the eyes of society and in the community that we live in. He is very active in the university, and he and I are both students, employees and we live on the campus. He is so supportive of me and is all for my transitioning. I guess my worry about him is that this will force him into coming out as well, you know?

Even if he is not ready, my finally being myself will have reprecussions for him as well. That is my biggest concern. He has a job overseas lined up, but he is a very active member in any community he is in, and I worry that my transitioning will affect his face, or his ability to be accepted by the community we are in.

Don't get me wrong, he is super happy. I just worry that the transition will be difficult for him in the professional word, and in his relationship with his parents.

[Ayden]

Also, our romatice life (sexual and non) has been good, but it has been much better since I finally came out.

[Wraith]

Your concern about how it will affect your partner goes to show how much you really care about him, and that's admirable about you.
Sounds like part of you both are longing to be yourselves and experience this journey together(which has to be really exciting), and part of you are worried of the practical side of your lives.
I can't give you any advice about having to come out as a gay couple, I'm lucky to live in a society and situation where it's fairly accepted, but I'm just gonna say I think you're very lucky to have found eachother! Things do feel a whole lot better and more intimate when you can both be true to yourself, don't they?

[Wolfsnake]

Wow. Reading your posts is like a flashback--I could've written almost exactly the same thing six months ago.

I started dating my boyfriend in high school. We did the hetero couple thing for five years before I figured out the trans stuff. When I came out to him, he told me he was interested in men. I worried about losing him, about getting him disowned from his family, and about making his already-difficult life even more so.

However, over the months and now year or so since I came out to him, he's stuck by me through everything. He loves me as a person. It doesn't matter that I'm not a bio guy, because whether or not I come with cock attached doesn't matter 99% of the time. What matters is that we are two very compatible people, and we want the best for each other.

What I'm trying to say here is, if he's stayed with you this long, through thick and thin, despite his sexuality and your gender...I wouldn't worry too much. Ask him how he feels about how all this is going to affect him, before you put too many worries on it.

[Ayden]

Wolfsnake: Thanks, love. We have been together through a lot. He knew about me before I could admit it to myself. I believe we will be okay, and reading your experience gives me a lot of comfort. I don't worry about his family, his dad is very accepting. I do worry about how my transition will affect him. Did you two have any rough patches? How did you work through your anxieties?

Wraith: Yes, I do feel very fortunate to be with him. We really do work well together, and I know he loves me as much as I love him. Honestly, I wish I could give two s**ts about society, but I know that is not very realistic. I think with time, we will learn to work our way through everything. It really is a learning process for both of us. He told me this morning that he was excited to see me start my transition, and he lovingly said he was excited to teach me how to shave!

[Darth_Taco]

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We got together just a few months after graduating high school, and we've been together the last three years. Almost two years into the relationship I came out of the closet to him, and about a month later his lazy ass finally told me he's bisexual, after letting me freak out for a whole month he might leave me for a woman! D:< I twisted his nipples raw @_@... He also admitted to me he's into cross dressing :'D. Awesome for me cuz I'm cheap as hell and I can give him the few feminine things I have!

I remember at first having the same worries, that I'm forcing him to deal with something that he might not be ready to deal with. That is actually what I did though. Who knows how long it would've taken him to realize this if I hadn't basically force him into it. After a year though, he's happy, and he's happy while being truly himself. He might not have been completely ready, but he's dealing with everything really well. That's good, because the careers we're going into will be thrusting us into the public eye, and might have us featured on national television from time to time :'P. God, what were we thinking? @_@ Screw it, I like it.

[Wolfsnake]

Wolfsnake: Thanks, love. We have been together through a lot. He knew about me before I could admit it to myself. I believe we will be okay, and reading your experience gives me a lot of comfort. I don't worry about his family, his dad is very accepting. I do worry about how my transition will affect him. Did you two have any rough patches? How did you work through your anxieties?

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help a little. 

We haven't really hit any rough patches yet (*knocks on wood*). I was very anxious at first, though, mostly about his sexuality. I thought he was calling himself bisexual in order to stay with me (not because he had any interest in men in general) and that made me feel like I was still a woman or some kind of not-quite-man in his mind. It's taken a long time and a lot of honest, consistent reinforcement from him for me to believe he really is sexually attracted to men other than me.

I've worried a lot about how this will affect him in his daily life, too. Coming out at school, keeping his parents from finding out (for now), and all that. And also I worried I was taking away that "American Dream" of a normal life and family, forcing him into the kind of relationship that would make his life much more difficult. I guess what's helped most is just being very honest about how I feel, and trusting him to do the same. I've stopped trying to look for subtext or underlying resentment in what he says. I've stopped assuming the worst. I've stopped taking it personally when he accidentally slips up. I just let him be himself, let me be myself, and trust him to let me know if anything becomes a problem. Easier said than done, of course, given my insecurities, but I'm trying.

[emostache69]

dont worry dude i have problems like this with my partner to although my partener is a girl. we're still young and all and we've been dating for almost a year but it's a pretty serious relationship and i hope it'll last for a long time, if not forever. anyways, she identified as being lesbian when we first started dating and she was on and off between bi and lez. i came out to her on our 6th month because she noticed i was becoming seriously depressed and she was getting really worried. she has seemed cool with it and very supportive but at the same time she doesnt ever show any interest in guys. as much as i don't mind this, bc i dont have to worry so much for guys hitting on her, i also feel really guilty for forcing her into it even though she insists she's fine w/it. not very helpful but jus want you to know that your not alone out there   

what i can say on this is that i always tell my partner how much i love her and how grateful i am that she puts up w/my bull 
so yeah, it's always good for your partner to know how much you love and appreciate them for what they're going through for you

[Natkat]

Is it normal to have concerns about your partner even if they are very supportive? I guess, my main concern is that we have been living as a hetero couple for several years. We have been together for about 8 now. He is really supportive about my being trans, and was the one who even brought up the conversation to begin with. But, part of me can't help but feel a little worried. He identifies as a gay man, though he has not come out to anyone yet. Even though he says he is supportive, part of me feels selfish to ask him to go through this with me. He has never had the experience to be with another (bio) guy.

I feel really afraid to lose him through this, since we have been together for so long. I really do love him. But I don't want him to sacrifice anything of himself for me.

Any other guys have to go through this with your partners?

I think its pretty normal,
usunally I start this kinda thinking after getting fellings for someone who likes me back,
but the last relationship I where into I also had worries of it, however I would say I broke up because I didnt felt it where respectfull in the long run that he where in the closet about the 2 of us..