Scared for my girl's safety...

[Sage]

Hi.  I'm Sage.  And I've got to get this off my chest, because I'm scared as hell.   

My girlfriend is pre-operative MtF and has just recently started her transition.  She will be seeing a gender therapist soon and is excited to go on hormones and be the woman she always wanted to be.  I'm very excited for her, too, and can't wait to see the beautiful woman she'll undoubtedly blossom into.  She's just a wonderful person and I'm elated that she's finally getting to be herself for the first time in her life.

We like to go out on dates like any other couple, and of course we always have a lot of fun together.    She's very intelligent and knows and understand so many things.  I delight in learning from her, and sharing my knowledge with her as well.    I can honestly say I've never been happier with anyone before.  She's my one and only girl, and I love her to pieces.

But because of where we live (Hicktown North Carolina.  Ugh.)  I worry about her safety.  The area where we live isn't exactly gay or trans friendly, and potential acts of victimization are a very real and frightening possibility.

Naturally when we go out she worries about passing, and is very nervous; that's a given and is to be expected.  But I honestly think I fret more about her passing than she does sometimes, because seriously, someone could just frickin' kill her because they think she's a man or a pervert or something, and then I'd lose my sweet girl forever.     

And personally I'd love to proverbially beat on my chest like a Neanderthal and think "Me strong butch-boi-girl; me protect my woman from mean transphobic man," but realistically, I couldn't even protect myself if someone decided to attack me for being genderqueer or a lesbian!    How could I possibly keep her safe? 

And if something were to happen to her, what if she were to become too scared to transition after that, and never gets a chance to be herself, be happy, be the woman she always knew she was meant to be, all because I couldn't protect her?  What if she is robbed from a life of getting to live in the body she's always wanted because I'm not strong enough?      

So many of these thoughts go through my head every day.  She reassures me that she never goes out without being armed to the teeth and is taking every possible precaution that she can to protect herself, and me if necessary (Ha, that makes me feel loads better, way to hurt my man-pride, lol).  But in all seriousness I can't stand the thought of someone hurting her.

Sometimes I just want to hide in my room and cry, because if something ever were to happen to her...I'd lose it.  I'd just simply go over the deep end.     I just want my sweet girl to be safe; I feel like I'm losing my mind!

[ToriJo]

I can say I understand.

That said, part of her living life to the fullest means being with the person she loves and sees her as she is.  Don't deny her that!

At some point, you just need to accept that the world is a dangerous place.  Take some precautions, sure, but at the end of the day, you can either barricade yourself inside a fortress or you can live life.

One of the discussions I had with my wife when we started dating is that I'm incapable of protecting her.  I can't do it - I am weak, uncoordinated, out of shape, and pretty much 100% the opposite of what a man is expected to be as far as physical ability and ability to defend.  If there is ever an attack upon me or my wife while we are out, she will be my only hope.  Don't get me wrong - I'll try with every ounce of my being to keep her safe, but it very likely wouldn't be enough.  That is lousy to think about if you see yourself as a man, but it's the reality of my situation.  Nobody is a perfect man, and, fortunately, she thinks other qualities I have are sufficient to mitigate this quality.  And, partially like you, this part of who I am makes me a target too - albeit not anywhere near the target that people like our partners sadly are in the eyes of nasty people.

Love is hard to find though.  Don't deny her the love she has for you, the presence of the person she loves, the joy she gets from being with you.  I would risk my life, easily and willingly for my wife.  Why should I feel she would rather some safety (as if someone stronger and a better fighter could gaurantee that anyhow) than to have love?  I wouldn't trade love for safety.  Neither would she.  And, I suspect, neither would your girlfriend.  Let her be a girl in love and let her choose you.  That affirms who she is more than anything else.

[justmeinoz]

All I will say is- move. Anywhere.

Karen.

[Sage]

Slanan, thank you.  You've made me feel so much better.    I will continue to be there for her and to hell with the rest of the world; we're happy, we're in love, and we're going to live our lives.

And Karen, that's definitely been discussed between my girl and I; moving is most certainly a future plan of ours.    Any suggestions?

I suppose for the time being we'll just have to hang in there and be careful.  Lilly thinks New York or San Francisco would be good places to move, but we're still deciding.  Hopefully we can find a happy medium in our plans; she's totally a city girl and I'm used to living in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees! 

[Cindy]

Hi Sage,

Worrying for those you love is natural. The dangers in hick town USA seem to be immense however.  I'd back Karen up and say move to a city, from what I read on the threads the USA cities seem to be OK, or at least most of them Both karen and I are in Australia, an I feel totally at ease and as safe as any other woman out and about. I'm pretty sure Karen would back that 100%.

But Lily (?) also has to live her life and part of that is being free to be herself.

You are also very lucky people to have such a strong emotional bond. Love to both of you

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

Sage,
You can always more to 'Tassie'. Karen will be sure to look after you both. Think about it  -  the more of you we can move over here, the safer you'll be.

Whoops!!  -  I think I've doubled up on the meds today (Say 'goodnight' Catherine; "Goodnight Catherine")

Love to you all
Catherine

[Chloe]

And personally I'd love to proverbially beat on my chest like a Neanderthal and think "Me strong butch-boi-girl; me protect my woman from mean transphobic man," but realistically, I couldn't even protect myself if someone decided to attack me for being genderqueer or a lesbian!    How could I possibly keep her safe? 

Actually it's quite simple - BE all the girl, female, woman ya want, need to be but, if in doubt or fear, JUST DON"T DRESS like one and dress "mannish" instead? Take advantage of the fact that women now-a-days can dress anyway they want *no problem* but for obvious, male homophopic reasons(?), the opposite just doesn't seem to apply fairly! Being a woman really has nothing to do with how one dresses unless, of course, we insist on dressing a certain way for ? ? ? garnering deliberate attention from . . .

Who? Wackbards, undesired good 'ole boy rednecks? Got nice legs? If so, SORRY lol but they're acheckin out the EYE CANDY!

Men in general HATE all forms of lying, deception - if ya are gonna insist on asserting certain RIGHTS then be prepared for their responsibilities & consequences!

[Gadgett]

I can relate to your plite. It's what me and my FTM hubby are facing and subjects like that come up from time to time. Plus we lived in hicktown WV

We moved and I have tried to reassure him that I can protect him and me if needed. Don't know what to really suggest but I'll keep my eye on this thread and add if I can think of anything.

[kelly_aus]

Hi Sage,

Worrying for those you love is natural. The dangers in hick town USA seem to be immense however.  I'd back Karen up and say move to a city, from what I read on the threads the USA cities seem to be OK, or at least most of them Both karen and I are in Australia, an I feel totally at ease and as safe as any other woman out and about. I'm pretty sure Karen would back that 100%.

But Lily (?) also has to live her life and part of that is being free to be herself.

You are also very lucky people to have such a strong emotional bond. Love to both of you

Cindy

And another Aussie chimes in with a 'Move, sooner rather later' comment.. I, like Cindy, also feel at ease and as safe as any other woman when I'm out and about.. And I don't 'pass' any where near as well as either Cindy or Karen..

Actually it's quite simple - BE all the girl, female, woman ya want, need to be but, if in doubt or fear, JUST DON"T DRESS like one and dress "mannish" instead? Take advantage of the fact that women now-a-days can dress anyway they want *no problem* but for obvious, male homophopic reasons(?), the opposite just doesn't seem to apply fairly! Being a woman really has nothing to do with how one dresses unless, of course, we insist on dressing a certain way for ? ? ? garnering deliberate attention from . . .

Who? Got nice legs? If so, SORRY lol but they're NOTICING!

Men in general HATE all forms of lying, deception - if ya are gonna insist on asserting certain RIGHTS then be prepared for their responsibilities & consequences!

I'm a woman, why should I dress like anything else?

[nickikim]

I Thought most of rural america was so f`d up on meth no one would notice much.  Confident posture, and a polite manner can do alot to keep you safe, especailly with a concealed carry permit. If you wan`t to blend in get some his and hers Nascar t shirts,  Then your not the freaks , Y`all are Race Fans. My hicktown is pretty bad, but after a while you get to be old news and no one even notices anymore. For every hatefilled self rightious ->-bleeped-<-,theres someone who ,for aguments sake alone will defend your right to be, It very seldom turns into an angy mob screaming ," burn dem queers, " Basically, live you life how you like,hope for the best, and discretly look over your shoulder to watch your back.

[Chloe]

. . . rural america was so f`d up on meth . . .

lol Watch it! Now Yer just as Guilty of stereo-typing! Prefer the real, whole-earth Columbian naturally grown myself . . . Did ya know the worst thing about moon-shine is the bad water?

I'm a woman, why should I dress like anything else?

Which truly begs the real question -> WHO is it that says how a woman is SUPPOSED to dress anyway? Convention? Which changes . . . Men? Those who are still held to a single, higher(?), much narrower strict standard? The job? Oh well . . . Anybody? Yes! While it is true we can now dress however we choose kelly_aus - SORRY! - is just one perfect example of how we cannot automatically expect *the rest of the world* to be free of the same, sometimes erroneous ASSUMPTIONS.

An example: used to be a person here who once complained of my using excessive SHOUTING CAPS when all I was really doing was QUIETLY EMPHASIZING

Another: Anyone here see the new Pan Am TV series? I was a PA Flight Attendant in another life do you really think any of us would have dared to talk to passengers like that? Is this show really about the 60's or today? Just yet another example of revisionist presuppositions with clear cut new agendas . . .

NOBODY should be IMPOSING assumptions, personal preferences, upon anybody else at all!

[Sage]

Thanks, guys, for all the helpful advice you've given. 

Thanks to kelly_aus, CatherineSarah, Cindy James and Karen, I'll be sure to add Australia to the list and see if I can talk Lilly into it.  lol.     (My girlfriend is actualy a member on here; she goes by ceridwynn, in case you might know her.)

Also, Kiera, I really do appreciate your input, but I'm hoping this thread doesn't turn into a huge argument that'll end up locked by an admin, like I've been seeing on other parts of this forum of late.  This is not the thread to discuss principles, just ideas and ways for my girl and I to say safe until we can move.     So guys, please don't fight, at least not here.   

Just another reason I love this forum; so many smart and helpful people!  *hugs*~!

[LilDevilOfPrada]

Sage my fav new dude i remember when you first came so i can't help but say a little for you and hey love your profile picture its as cute as your anime first one you make one attractive guy now your girlfriend will have it harder than you because she has to start with like big features to a point like her jaw for you yours will grow which you want but hers won't shrink but she wishes it could. now seeming i am also a SO and a mtf i think i can help now if i had a boyfriend like you i would love you to - compliment me but not so much it loses meaning, when some judges her appearance back her up, when she wants to wear a dress on a date with you make sure she gets one you can't help but smile because she is so pretty , and well this part is hard but use all those things you picked up when posing as a girl to help her that i think will also show her just how supportive you are hehe and pm me if you want to talk by the way oh by the way its zoey you did talk to me for a while when you first joined us hehe

[Sage]

   Ooh!  I remember you!  You're LilKittyCatZoey, aren't you?     Awesome.~~

I make sure to tell her how pretty she is all the time; she doesn't believe me, but I do it anyway.     She's going dress shopping today and I can't wait to see what she picks out.~     She always finds such pretty things to wear.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

  Ooh!  I remember you!  You're LilKittyCatZoey, aren't you?     Awesome.~~

I make sure to tell her how pretty she is all the time; she doesn't believe me, but I do it anyway.     She's going dress shopping today and I can't wait to see what she picks out.~     She always finds such pretty things to wear.

remember don't over do it trust me if shes anything like zoey saying your pretty to often causes a like yea now i don't think so effect just say it when you can't help but and i know i know that's a lot but keep in mind some girls find it hard to see their beauty

[Maya Zimmerman]

Sage - If she loves the city and you love the trees, head to Seattle.  I lived there for a little bit, a few years ago.  It's a fantastic, progressive city, but it's not too big to escape to some of the most beautiful nature I've seen in the U.S.  I live in Chicago and as LGBT-friendly as it is, if you want nature, it's about two hours by train before you can get somewhere you can see stars at night.

[Ellie Ryan]

I second what has been said on this thread already: Nowhere has 100% safety. I live in Colorado, and in Boulder, which is the most liberal city in the state, a transgendered woman was beaten to death with a fire extinguisher by her boyfriend! O_O I think the most important thing your sweetie needs to keep in mind is that nervous energy attracts way more attention from predators than confidence does. Even if she does not pass, a confident aura will make a pretty good shield.

Best to you, and bless you for supporting your lady! I can relate. <3

~~E

[mixie]

All I will say is- move. Anywhere.

Karen.

This,  and mace.