Starting to doubt I am FTM...

[nickm1492]

Okay, I will list the reasons I believed I am FTM:
I pictured myself as a guy always
I hated my breasts and wanted them gone.
There are other reasons, but those are the major ones.

I think some of the reasons I wanted to be a guy was the fact that I didn't know one could be a lesbian. That's when I was a lot younger though. I didn't really realize "Oh, this means I'm gay" until I was 14. Still the whole FTM thing stayed in the back of my mind when I accepted myself as a lesbian. There was also a point where I wanted a penis but not anymore. I also have a HUGE thing against being called a "butch" lesbian. I for some reason hate that term so much. So I'm wondering if this is playing a part in my emotions right now.

Also, I hate my breasts. So I figured the logical explanation is that I am a male right? I'm not supposed to have breasts. But at the same time, the more I think of it, I was teased as a child for having large breasts. Which was hard since I had premature puberty. (I frekin got my period at 7 or 8 ) Because of this premature puberty, I had to go to many doctors. I will never forget two visits to certain doctors. I really think this also has a lot to do with my hate for doctors. Basically this doctor had me get in a robe, and expose my breasts to her because they had developed so much for my age. She touched me. I was humiliated. I wasn't even 13 and it felt like I was disgusting. Even as I write it now, it disgusts me. She wanted to ->-bleeped-<-ing bring a guy doctor in to look at me. I refused to show him anything. My mom was there and so she didn't let it happen again but whatever. Another visit was basically like that. I have this huge hate for my breasts and I just want them gone. Though at this point, I'd be happy with a breast reduction surgery.


There are so many things I want to do. I want to wear men's clothing, men's underwear, and use men's body wash, men's deoderant. Basically things like that. I do wear men's clothing but there are still certain things I'm scared to get. Just cause I always get them from men's stuff and whatnot. I know all of this seems silly but when I was thinking of asking my mom to get me these things. Like the Old Spice body wash and I was also thinking about getting some male body spray, I felt content. I felt happy.

Here are some of the reasons I'm starting to highly doubt I'm FTM:
I like my birth name...I tried hating it but it's not working. I like being called Nick, Nicky, etc.
I don't want a penis.
I remember when people called me "he" by accident, I hated it. This has happened a few times and it's embarrassing and I didn't like it when it happened.
I guess I don't want my family to have to change what they call me or change pronouns and stuff. It just feels weird and I don't like it.


I honestly feel like I have forced myself into this label...Because at the time it's the only thing that made sense. I thought for a moment that all these years all I have done is deny this part of me and so I have tried to accept being FTM. I don't want to live in denial. The screwed up part is what I have put my fiancee through and my mother through. Now I feel like I'd be taking it back a second time and that she won't believe me. Not my fiancee, but my mom. I feel like the most fickle person on the planet honestly. And I should go to a therapist. So maybe I will just set up an appointment soon at my school. To see why the hell I am like this. My fiancee is confused and she is happy with whatever but still, I'm putting her through so much. I guess I like playing the "male" role and stuff in a relationship. That IS true. But I forced myself to want to be her future husband, a daddy, a man. Part of it I think I'm really uncomfortable with the whole "butch" lesbian. And I thought maybe being "straight" would make me feel normal. I felt like I was losing such a huge part of myself. Ha, at the end of this whole essay I feel like I just want to be a lesbian and that's what I'm meant to be. But the only reason I figured being a man would be easier is because I'm still scared to do stupid things like as for body wash, cut my hair the way I want it, or even get underwear that I want.

I know this probably makes no sense but it helped me understand myself more.

[Nathan90]

It's nice to have a label, to give you that feeling of.. 'belonging'. Even if being part of the label means your life will be more difficult or even hating being part of it.

FTM, as a label, felt better for you than 'butch' lesbian probably.

Try letting go of the labels, you don't have to talk to your mom about that. You can feel genderqueer, a bit of both, you can remain genderqueer, or let go of that label. Let go of all the labels, let go of trying to be a certain label. Do what feels good, use the name and pronouns that feel good, wear the underwear that feels good. Hell, go to the toilet that feels good.

Figure out what feels good first, you owe none an explanation, you might want to, but you don't have to.

So.. feel good first > (if you 'feel like it!') > label it later.

[cynthialee]

Perhaps you would benifit from going over to the androgyne scetion of the boards and read through some of thier naratives and posts.


You don't need to be anything but you.

If that is a woman who wears mens clothes then so be it. You are not required to use the term Butch if you do not like the term.

The most important part of this transition process and the RLT is to help you find yourself.
And even if you are not trans but just unique that is cool. We would still love to see you around the boards.

[nickm1492]

Thank you guys so much. I'm not sure if genderqueer is right for me since I suppose I rather be labeled a girl.

It's nice to have a label, to give you that feeling of.. 'belonging'. Even if being part of the label means your life will be more difficult or even hating being part of it.

FTM, as a label, felt better for you than 'butch' lesbian probably.

Try letting go of the labels, you don't have to talk to your mom about that. You can feel genderqueer, a bit of both, you can remain genderqueer, or let go of that label. Let go of all the labels, let go of trying to be a certain label. Do what feels good, use the name and pronouns that feel good, wear the underwear that feels good. Hell, go to the toilet that feels good.

Figure out what feels good first, you owe none an explanation, you might want to, but you don't have to.

So.. feel good first > (if you 'feel like it!') > label it later.

You are so right. I'm gonna just work on being happy for myself and let go of these insecurities. But I will say this, the FTM community is beautiful and accepting. I think you're right too about not having to give anyone an explanation. At the same time though it worries me that my mom is going through stuff trying to accept things even though she doesn't have to. She is gonna think I'm so confused lol Oh well...I'm just glad I am coming to a greater understanding of myself and I honestly do think I'd benefit from a trip to my school therapist. Try to get someone elses perspective.

[JenJen2011]

I wish you the best in whatever it is you decide to do.

::hugs::

[Squirrel698]

I agree with the others.  You are thinking in too definitive of terms.  As in you either need to be a man or a woman.  The gender spectrum is very long and everyone falls somewhere on that line. 

You can easily be both.  You can choose how you wish to show yourself and your gender identity  You can wear men's clothing, bind your breasts, use Old Spice soap without automatically turning into a guy.  If people are confused you can either choose to educate them or just let them be confused.  Your responsibility to to yourself and finding a way to feel comfortable in your own skin. 

As far as labels, eh, I've found they are more in place so people outside of you can place you within the limits of that label.  They really attempt to trap you by saying this is what a FTM does (for example) and you're not doing all of these things.  So thus you must not be FTM!  So says the random person on the street who should be minding their own business.  You, yourself, are not responsible for other people's comfort.  Don't let them shove you into a box just because it eases their mind.  You have a god given right to be yourself and express yourself.   

[Maya Zimmerman]

Nick - I think that gender is not very cut-and-dry for many of us.  I'm definitely closer to the middle of the line, but also definitely on the female side.  I can say for sure that my gender identity is female.  My gender expression is probably more androgynous than blatantly female, but I know that transitioning is the right thing for me.  For you, this might be a great time to take a step back, reflect, and try to understand how you really feel and what you really want.  Whatever your place in the transgender spectrum, just be true to it.  If you're a girl who wants to be perceived as a girl, but likes to dress as a boy, that's cool.

[Rebekah with a K-A-H]

I really understand where you're coming from, Nick.

Part of the toughest thing for me was recognizing that my gender identity and sexual identity didn't always have to match.  People gave me ->-bleeped-<- for dressing like a guy when I was supposedly transitioning to female, but the truth was that regardless of my sexual identity, my desire to be embodied as a female person, I wanted to be able to express my gender in a different way sometimes.  And it's almost impossible for me to label that in a way that leaves me satisfied, but I think that's okay, and if you can't find labels that fit you, then that's okay too.

[nickm1492]

Everyone is being so supportive and helpful. I think I can label myself lol And that is a lesbian with a lot of insecurities. Which again, a therapist would probably help workout!!!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

[JohnAlex]

I think you're very interesting, Nick.  You have all these experiences of hating your female body, yet you still consider yourself a girl.  And I on the other hand do not hate my female body, I do not experience body dysphoria, yet I consider myself a guy for sure.  We're all different. and we all experience things different.  and someone's reason/conclusion for being FTM or genderqueer is going to be very different from the next person's.

So, just my opinion here... I think it's best to really look into your head and see what you want to be seen as.  Do you want people to see you as a girl or a guy?  call you he or her?  Do you want to go into the men's or the women's bathroom?

And like many have said here, it's okay for you to want to go into both or neither, or anything.  We're all different.

[Maya Zimmerman]

Awesome.  This, in my opinion, is how it should be working; helping and supporting each other no matter what our sexual orientation or gender identity.

BTW, you could label yourself as an Insecure Lesbian Lad and that would be ILL!

[nickm1492]

I think you're very interesting, Nick.  You have all these experiences of hating your female body, yet you still consider yourself a girl.  And I on the other hand do not hate my female body, I do not experience body dysphoria, yet I consider myself a guy for sure.  We're all different. and we all experience things different.  and someone's reason/conclusion for being FTM or genderqueer is going to be very different from the next person's.

So, just my opinion here... I think it's best to really look into your head and see what you want to be seen as.  Do you want people to see you as a girl or a guy?  call you he or her?  Do you want to go into the men's or the women's bathroom?

And like many have said here, it's okay for you to want to go into both or neither, or anything.  We're all different.

I just want to be seen as me I do rather people call me she though to he. And I DEFINITELY don't wanna be going into any men's bathroom.

Awesome.  This, in my opinion, is how it should be working; helping and supporting each other no matter what our sexual orientation or gender identity.

BTW, you could label yourself as an Insecure Lesbian Lad and that would be ILL!

Thank you so much for making me LAUGH!!! lol definitely ILL

ALSO something else I have noticed is that I was extremely happy in the beginning. When I thought life was going to be easier but I have been nothing but depressed ever since I wanted to transition. There was always this little voice saying "This isn't for you" and everything in general made me sad. So at least I have some clarity now

[Zaria]

Nick just do what makes you happy, and damn the labels... 

[cynthialee]

seems to me you have grown by leaps and bounds today



Congrats on finding your inner truth.
Thats what it is all about.

[Ayden]

Just like everyone else has said, and at the risk of repeating it (because I do think that it is worth saying again), just be yourself. Be happy. You should live life to fullest for yourself. There is no reason be afraid of feeling confused or to feel like you have to label yourself. Hell, as an example, I identify as a guy (a fem one for sure) but I still like wearing my girly (relaxed fit, flared, loose legged) pants because I think they compliment my butt. This doesn't make me any less a guy, just means I am a guy who likes the way his butt looks in "girl" pants.

Don't worry so much about labels. They are silly. I think a part of the problem is that so many people get so tied up in trying to find a label that fits, and they forget that at the end of the day, you are the only one that really lives with yourself. Do what makes you happy. I don't think anyone here will judge you no matter how you identify.

Be happy and enjoy life to the fullest, no matter what they mean to you!

[Renate]

Wait, you want to use body wash and deodorant?
Well, then you're definitely not a guy!

(Just kidding. )

[beyondlabels]

I am in a similar situation. I am questioning my gender identity but in my case I am thinking lately I am FTM.

Reasons to think I am FTM:
1- I PICTURE MYSELF AS A GUY. I have never ever looked at a girl as a model of appearance. I always look at boys. I never feel identified with females in any way. I could never play a female role in theatre. I want to look as a man as much as possible.

2- I FEEL STRANGE WITH FEMALE PRONOUNS. I hate my name and when i hear "Ms", "lady" or whatever i somehow can't believe they are referring to me

3- I HATE MY BODY SHAPE AND ENVY MALE BODY AND VOICE. I mean broad hips and narrow sholders, lack of muscle mass, etc.. I would love to have beard and a deeper voice.


Reasons to think I am just genderqueer:

1- I DON'T NEED A PENIS although I sometimes think of it I am quite happy with my female genitalia. I think I would be with male too, though. I enjoy my nipples in sex. At first i hate it but with time i learned to enjoy it.
I have seen myself with female body in sexuality for many years, Or at least with female genitalia.
2- I FEEL A BIT SCARED OF MASTECTOMY. I hate how my breasts look. I hate to feel them in my clothes. I hate to feel them move. So basically I hate them, but I think I would feel strange getting them removed, as something missing. I don't know if it's just because I am used to them or it's a feeling of my female side saying: "hey! this is apart of my body!"

Well you see I have strong reasons in both directions. Finding people that also have doubts makes me feel I am not so weird.
In your case, I would say that feeling strange with male pronouns doesn't mean that you are not male. It can be that you are used to be called as female.  I myself feel strange when I am called "he" but I feel it's the best for me. When I imagine my family having to change pronouns and name,  it also feels awkward for me but I don't think that's a reason to think you are not FTM.
On the other hand the fact that you are questioning being FTM can mean something itself and I think it's important to listen to that part of you. You can take your time to think about it and when you are more self assured tell your family and partner. You take your decisions for yourself and not for them. The therapist is a good idea too. I wish you the best in youf journey.

[beyondlabels]

I really understand where you're coming from, Nick.

Part of the toughest thing for me was recognizing that my gender identity and sexual identity didn't always have to match.  People gave me ->-bleeped-<- for dressing like a guy when I was supposedly transitioning to female, but the truth was that regardless of my sexual identity, my desire to be embodied as a female person, I wanted to be able to express my gender in a different way sometimes.  And it's almost impossible for me to label that in a way that leaves me satisfied, but I think that's okay, and if you can't find labels that fit you, then that's okay too.

Gender identity is the role you want to play in society, behaviours, clothes and all of that, and sexual identity is the body that you want to have. Is this rignt?
And what if I want to play a male role, have a male body but have sex as a girl, with female genitalia? Buck Angel style. Woudn't it be a third kind of identiy? I think if I were in a dessert island and didn't have to explain my gender to anyone I would definitely go on T. Maybe I woudn't have surgery of maybe I would, but I would go on T for sure. And in this society if I have to choose It would be better for me to be a man than a woman, that's why I think lately I want to transition.

[cynthialee]

You can go on T develop male traits and still keep and enjoy your birth genitals.
I am married to such a person and it is working rather well for hir.

[MaxAloysius]

As everything I could have said in response to this post has already been said by someone else, I thought I'd just take a moment to appreciate all of the fine men and women on this board. There's been no pushing or shoving of beliefs onto someone else, and there certainly hasn't been any press-ganging onto the trans train, which the community always seems to be being accused of.

It seems like you're all just lovely people! So glad I found Susans... <3