Hi there, I'm new here. In fact, this is my first post. I don't even know how to start describing my complicated situation. I hate labels, but I find them convenient short-hand at times, so I suppose I'll just rattle off a list of them first.
Body: genetically female
Gender: bi-gendered, but I tend to go with 1st person female and 3rd person male just to avoid confusion
Relationship status: married to my spouse when she was male, engaged to her as her female self (see below)
Religion: Unitarian Universalist
Politics: It's complicated, but largely fiscally conservative and socially liberal
Heart: Very loving and full of glitter
Other labels: Word nerd, autistic, person with PTSD, addicted to purple
Age: 39 for another few months
My spouse is Dana H on these boards, and I adore her. I really, really do! We met 21 years ago in college and were friends for a little more than a decade before we started dating. After 2 years of dating and being engaged, we married in 2004. At the time, I more than suspected that she was a female inside: I kind of hoped she was. In fact, I sometimes think that her male persona never loved me at all and that it's really Dana's female self, her *true* self, who fell in Love with me. Flash forward 3 years to 2007, and she came out to both herself and to me. My first and most genuine reaction was to hold her close and tell her I Love her. However, she scared me silly by saying that she didn't even know who she was, let alone be able to speak to being in a relationship with someone. I freaked out for about 15 minutes, but then I reminded myself that this was my Soulmate, and as I have said all along, it's the person inside who matters, so it would just be a matter of time before she realized that she still is my Soulmate and still Loves me. By Christmas of that year, she knew, and on Valentine's Day 2008, I proposed to her and asked her to be my wife. Someday, when she comes out of that dratted closet, we will have a second wedding, this time with her in the pretty white dress and me in something more in line with my bi-gendered self.
Anyhow, it's that closet that's really my problem. I have high-functioning autism, and as a result, I find it VERY hard to lie. Every time I say her male name or use the male pronouns, it tastes like a lie in my mouth. I cognitively understand the need for her closet. She works with some less-than-stellar individuals who were even rooting for the killer of a local transgendered woman during the trial. If they found out about her, there is a strong probability they would attack her. So until then, a select group of our friends know (so she can have support), but the vast number of people in our lives don't know, including our families, because right now it seems to be such a moot point... and also a somewhat dangerous situation. We actually have more fear of it slipping out from someone who has NO problem with her being transgendered because that's the sort of person who thinks all closets are dumb and unnecessary.
So here I am, lying for her and playing these word games in my head with pronouns, trying to remember to call her "her" at home and "him" in public and trying to not be too comfortable with either set so I don't accidentally slip up in either setting, trying to keep track of which name to use, always having to run my words through my mind twice before they come out my mouth, developing a stutter from trying to keep it all straight. And then, add on top of that the fact that she has MAJOR depression from her body dysmorphia and lack of motion in transitioning. The meds aren't working anymore, and our sex life has just sort of stopped. We've had relations about 6 times over the last year, and I'm starting to feel very frumpy and unsexy as a result. I really miss the passion and the way she used to look at me. I know it's just because she's the human zombie from the depression right now, but it doesn't take away this feeling like I have a particularly kind roommate and no spouse.
From what I understand, most transgendered folk would kill to have a wife like me who is so understanding, supportive, and Loving, and I'm glad that I can be that for Dana because she is so wonderfully precious to me. On the other hand, I feel like I'm starting to fray around the edges from all this stress and secrecy, and I also fear that these feelings on both her end and mine will ultimately start to erode our relationship. So I guess what I'm looking for is some good coping skills. Failing that, anyone have a winning lottery ticket so Dana can get out of her sucky job?
Thanks for listening to me. And thanks to whoever (Susan?) for starting this forum in the first place. It's nice to have a place to come to seek help.
~~Ellie
