miss-gendered... again (venting post)

[Dominick_81]

It works and you completely pass to me. It doesn't sound like your voice has fully dropped yet, I would assume you were in your late teens.

Thanks. Yeah, my voice is still high at about  9 months on T and it's really frustrating. I hope it drops more. I'll be 30 years old in Dec., lol

When I thank'd her at the register, ya know after when checking out, I just say thank you, but I purposely made my voice sound deeper so she could think about what she just said didn't make sense to her calling me female. I usually talk in a deeper voice when I'm out in public so I don't get misgendered. People have told me my voice sounds male, I guess it's just on a higher side though which sucks.

Dude what even?! She must have needed glasses or something because you in no way look female. And judging by your video you just sound like a young dude or a dude with a slightly higher voice. But seriously, zero female.

I know how you feel though. Ma'am just really bothers me sometimes. Even if I were female I'd hate people to call me ma'am. Seems like what you call an old lady to me. But I've been there - totally male clothing, no female mannerisms, no tits, and people still ma'am me. I chalked it up to height. I could even see someone making a mistake if I happen to be rocking the longer hair. And it seems to happen more often with older people than it does with younger people. I still am mystified what "gender clues" these people are picking up on to make the ma'am determination.

On occasion I have just looked at them funny and said something like, "Um, I'm NOT a ma'am".

I actually think she was wearing glasses, lol. I came close to saying something but decided not too. Are you on T?

"I still am mystified what "gender clues" these people are picking up on to make the ma'am determination."

I'm wondering that too.

@MaxAloysius and @mattie: Thanks guys, that makes me feel a lot better knowing that cis guy get misgendered too.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I feel a lot better now.

[mixie]

No way.  but this is why I said in the other thread that pix and perfect lighting can look good online but in real life the mannerisms may be confusing.

Could be a few things.

One is "was it an Asian woman?"   It is very common to confuse the "he or she" in Chinese and other Asian languages because it's not the same as English.  So maybe that.

B is that perhaps "ma'm" was "man" or something like that that you misheard.

C. is not every time you get mistaken for the opposite gender is it about you not "passing"   I've been mistaken for a man on at least 10 occasions.  One time it was just that I had borrowed my bf's jacket and my hair was super short.   It doesn't mean you don't pass just because ONE PERSON misgenders you.  It just means that particular person did, and so did several others.

Don't let the handful be the majority.  Many many many cisgendered people get mistaken for the opposite gender, on the phone, in person and just by accident.  It's normal, not a sign of some major flaw in your ability to pass.

[Forever21Chic]

   Dude you look & sound completely male.....wow @ the power of testosterone. 


   Yeah 4realz that old lady must've been trippin off night quil or something cuz you look 100% male to me.

[Dominick_81]

@mixie: Thanks. Nope, she wasn't Asian. I wish she said man, but it was ma'm.

"but this is why I said in the other thread that pix and perfect lighting can look good online but in real life the mannerisms may be confusing."

I agree.

@Logan Bann and @Rukia87xo: Thanks.

[Mr. X]

It's the haircut. If the pic at the top of the thread is from the same day, i'm positive. Cover the face with your hand and look

I'm not saying you need to change it, it's just that the front of it looks like ladies haircut in that pic.


-Xx

[Dominick_81]

@Mr. X: Oh okay, thanks. I just bought some stuff to put in my hair to style it, so maybe that will help.

[bojangles]

You look like a dude to me.

There are plenty of legally blind people out there making a living.
Maybe next time buy some condoms with your Rogaine. 
And count your change.

[Dominick_81]

@bojangles: Thanks.

Maybe next time buy some condoms with your Rogaine. 

I think I might.

[anibioman]

hey Dominick,
you look really male to me, ive been told i look really male too but i get mis-gendered too. i dont know why, sometimes it just happens.

[Squirrel698]

You should of stood up to her and told her that she was mistaken.  Even if you had the whole of Penn State standing behind you.  That is what almost any guy would do.  I'm fairly sure the misgendering wasn't malicious but you shouldn't worry about her feelings in place of your own.  Worry about yourself and how it makes you feel.  I swear it's a huge confidence booster when you correct people.  That extra bit of confidence go could fair in helping you pass the next time.

Second stop cutting yourself.  At 30 you need to be an adult and handle your problems in a responsible mature way.

From your picture you do pass 100% to me.  However it's only a still picture taken at an ideal angle with ideal lightening.  It really only shows about a part of your overall presentation.  I didn't see the video because it seems you took it down.  Personally, I didn't pass all of the time until I started growing hair all over my face, not just on my chin.  That really is the tipping point from ambiguous to male for many people.  You'll get there, just take a deep breath and be patient. 

I agree with Nick concerning the fitness instead of the mutilation.  Cutting yourself isn't smart Dom, come on.  It doesn't solve a damn thing.

[Ayden]

You look like a guy. Believe me when I say I have some envy. I can't pass at all, and even when I don't say anything, the best I can hope for (right now) is androgyne. I am cursed with a very, very fem face and figure. And my voice... don't even let me get started on that. I can't judge your voice, but you do look masculine.

But, even though I don't pass, I do correct strangers sometimes, when I feel the situation is safe enough. Just like Squirrel said, making that correction can be a confidence booster.

[Dominick_81]

@anibioman: Thanks. From your pic you look totally male to me.

@Squirrel698: I came close to saying something to her and I just chickened out. I dunno, maybe b/c a guy was standing behind me and I felt embarrassed to say something with him standing there. If it happens again, (which I hope it doesn't) I'll try to say something. 

Yeah, I can see how it would have boost my confidence if I said something. I just got to nervous and chicken out.

I'm working on the cutting. But my life doesn't help it much. I know it doesn't solve anything it just makes me feel better. Exercise doesn't work for me. I tried that as an alternative to cutting and all I could think was I couldn't wait to get off the treadmill and cut myself.

Yeah, I took the video down. I couldn't stand the way I looked. But thanks for saying I pass in the photo. I agree with  the whole ideal angle with ideal lightening. That's so true.

@Ayden: Thanks. I'm sorry your having trouble passing. I know voice can be a dead give away. My voice pre-T was a dead give away.  Do you ever try talking in a deeper voice so it doesn't sound so high?

That's good you correct people if you feel the situation is safe.

[Clive]

Dominick I have to say that I think you passed perfectly visually pre-T (I have no way of knowing whether your voice passed, lol), and T has only enhanced your masculinity.  I'm slightly envious, lol.

I'm so sorry you got mis-gendered.  I can only think of two reasons why it might've happened:

Firstly, unless they're Sherlock Holmes, people very rarely look at people properly on first meeting.  Particularly when there's only a brief or cursory interaction, people often take in other people peripherally or just at a glance.  You might be the most masculine male that ever did masculine, but if someone clocks you out of the corner of their eye, they can miss all of the indicators that say you're a man and make a mistake, particularly if they're working on a till and deal with a stream of customers in quick succession - I know when I swipe folks' membership cards through at work, everything gets mixed up, lol - after an hour of people whizzing past, repeating the same interaction, I don't know what's male, female, up, down, red, blue or green.  A panda could probably walk past, hand me its membership card and I'd mis-identify it as a marmoset.

Add to this the fact that gender ambiguity is becoming more and more commonplace and I think that lots of people find it increasingly hard to read conventional gender traits as signifying the gender they're associated with.  Oh Dear.  That makes no sense.  I mean...  Aaargh.  How can I express this?  It's no longer universally true that a person with a deep voice, masculine features, a short haircut and masculine mannerisms is necessarily a man.  I think people are becoming more aware of this, and it's creating some confusion, particularly (though I don't want to generalise) for certain members of the older generation who are used to more rigid and unambiguous gender roles.

An older female customer walked into the bingo the other day, handed me her card and said, 'There you go, Son.  I mean Darling.'  Then she stopped, looked at me intently for several long moments, seemed to give up, and said 'You just can't tell nowadays, can you?'

All of this of course doesn't make it feel any more wrong or frustrating when someone mis-genders you.  But hopefully it might provide some explanation  for an otherwise inexplicable occurrence - because you don't look remotely female.  You're all man, mate.  *Seethes in quiet envy*

[tvc15]

Dominick, from the way you word your posts, I get the impression you have low self-esteem and pretty extreme body dysmorphia. The only person that can help that is yourself. I believe you look and sound completely male, and it seems like everyone else here does too. But if you're not confident in yourself, that translates into the real world, and that could be why you're getting read as female. Don't go out wondering, "Do I pass?" in front of every person you meet. You know you're male, you look male, your voice is deep enough to be read as male even over the phone IMHO--so you do pass, you are a dude. Don't even think about being a trans dude... just a dude. And don't even get too hung up on that. Don't worry about gender one way or another, but get into that positive mindset. Pretty soon it'll become second nature, and the misgendering might just stop.

I would also suggest therapy, because with thoughts like the ones you articulate, they're just causing you unnecessary stress. Nobody should be so repulsed by themselves, even people like us born in the wrong bodies. We're still humans after all, and even if we did look bad (which you certainly do not, bro) that doesn't mean we don't deserve to live and receive respect in this world like everyone else.

[meh]

I'm almost 9 months on T and still don't pass T_T

I just started a new job and when coworkers called me "she" I said,  "I'm a guy". I haven't been she'd since by my coworkers. Customers on the other hand...I don't bother correcting them when they call me "lady/she/her".

[annette]

Maybe I post in the wrong section, feel free to ignore it but i was thinking maybe you want to hear the opinion of a female.

Well, Dominic to be honest, you're 110% male to me, did that lady wear glasses, because I think she needs a new pair of it.

Hey dude, don't worry about your looks, you look damn male to me.

If I didn't know you and I had to ask something, I would start with...excuse me, sir......

[Dominick_81]

@Clive: Thanks. I wish other people would see me as all man. I think it's hard for my friends to see me as male since they always knew me as female. I think a lot of people can't tell if I'm male or female. That's just the impression I get, I dunno why, it's just how I feel when I'm cashing out at a registered. I purposely make my voice deeper so they think I'm male if they can't tell.

@tvc15: Thanks for saying I pass. Yeah, my self esteem is at a  zero and I hate everything about my body... But I do see a counselor and she knows all this.

"Don't go out wondering, "Do I pass?" in front of every person you meet."

That's exactly what I do.

When I'm out, I'm very aware about how I walk and everything. I keep thinking to myself, I hope I'm not walking girlie or have a mannerism to me that's feminine. And my cousins have told me that I don't have a mannerism that's famine so... I dunno.

"and even if we did look bad (which you certainly do not, bro)"

Thanks.

@meh: Are you 9 months on T too and don't pass? Glad you haven't been she'd by your co-workers since you corrected them. How come you don't correct customers?

@annette: Thank you. I thought the lady did have glasses, now I can't remember, lol.

[Nygeel]

I am out for many years, on T for one year and read as male somewhere in the ballpark of .1%-4% of the time. It's not fun.

understatement

[Dominick_81]

@Nygeel: I'm sorry. That totally sucks. I hope things change for you soon and you get read as male more. I know it sucks being on T for that long and getting read as female. Hopefully it won't be too much longer and more people will read you as male.

[Guantanamera]

Why do I keep getting miss-gendered? My chest was flat, I had on all male clothes and jacket. I bought rogaine for men when I got miss-gendered. This is killing me! I'm just about 9 months on T. This is ridiculous! I just wanna cut myself up. I can't take being miss-gendered anymore. How long is it gunna take until I pass??? 10 f****ing years??!!!!

Do I look male or female here? This is what I wore when I got miss-gendered. I just took this pic. My height is the only thing I can think of... but then again there are tons of short cis guys, do they all get miss-gendered??? What is it about me that looks female??? I'm just so upset.

While I can't judge anything but your appearance, I think you're one hot meatsack of a man. However, your mannerisms/voice might be getting you clocked.

Besides, how often do you get clocked in comparison to passing? Even 1 in 10 is really good odds.

I know it sucks to be clocked, but consider yourself fortunate that you are both attractive and FTM. Most trans women are not 'objectively attractive' as considered by society, and it usually takes us much more work/time to pass than people of the other persuasion.

Keep it up. I know that you'll pass!