Hello
I'm not sure where to start so I guess I will start from the beginning... spill my guts and see where that leads.
From my earliest memories I knew I was different. I remember having a giant pink blanket that I wouldn't let go of no matter how many blue ones were given to me... It just felt more comfortable and reassuring. Several times as a small child I was found in my mothers clothes trying them on. When I was older she told me that 'she was worried that she was raising a cross dresser'. How little she realizes the truth of that. I much preferred playing with dolls than traditional boys toys. I was once given a doll as a gift and my father exploded... he grabbed it and through it out. I remember crying and being very upset.
As a teen I remember sneaking into my mothers closet. I lived on a farm and built a room on top of the garage. In there I hid my mothers clothes that I would wear regularly. It just felt right when I wore womens clothing. I was a small teen and was often mistaken for a girl. I didn't make many friends. I started drinking heavily while a teen. Confused, I felt like a mistake. I knew then that I was not a guy on the inside but a girl. I had no way to express this and was far too frightened of the consequences if I did.
When I was in my early 20's I met a wonderful lady and we married. I also started going to church and started a family. I stopped drinking but just replaced it with religion. I thought that Jesus would help make me feel like a man and not a woman. All the suppression in the world doesn't help. I found myself looking at women s catalogs, longing at the outfits, then feeling incredibly guilty afterwards. I still occasionally cross dressed and when I did, I felt very guilty as well. Knowing that I was 'sinning'... yet crying out to God to be made a woman. Of course none of this helped. Because of all of this, most of my family and friends are fundamentalist christians. I finally gave up on God and stopped going to church.
People have always suspected that there was something very different about me. One of my friends told me about an online world she use to go to. I pretty positive that she suspects. I joined this 'game' and saw that there was a transgender option. Thrilled I created a profile and joined this world. I was completely honest about who I was. I stated that I was a man on the outside, but have always felt like a woman on the inside. I regularly visited a club in this world called '->-bleeped-<-'s'. Painfully shy at first, I started to relax and met many wonderful transgendered women. For the first time in my life I felt accepted for who I was. I asked to join their 'family' and was accepted... but later that afternoon they told me that I couldn't join. They said I was a guy playing a TG. I was devastated. I thought I found a place that understood me but I was wrong. I quit playing. This was the first time I reached out and told anyone how I felt.
I decided to do a search for transgender and this forum came up. I decided to join. I really have no idea what I am. I feel like a mistake and am confused. I know if I came out and told my family and friends I would lose them. I am pretty sure I would lose my job as well as it is a fairly homophobic place. I am sure there are others who feel as I do and I am reaching out. I still cross dress regularly but I have finally accepted who I am.
Thanks for putting up with my ramblings
hugs - Zaria
