I apologise for this rant in advance but...
ARGGGGGGGGGG!!! I'm am SO angry right now!
It's been a year and a half since I last visited my father, aunt and uncle, and in that time I've started binding, changed my name, and have been on T for five months. My name has been changed for more than a year now, and I talk to them on the phone around once a week. But straight away, since the minute I got off of the plane it has been (birth name) non stop! It has been a YEAR now, everyone else got it in a week, but these people (the ones who supposedly love me the most, according to them), are still calling me by the name they know I hate more than anything. I haven't been called that in a year, and to have it suddenly slap me in the face every ten seconds is making me feel like absolute crap.
They say 'You haven't been here, it's just habit', but I don't think that's a good excuse at all. Not only that, but now after talking to me, my aunt keeps saying things that I think she means to be compliments, but that I find utterly insulting. In the last three days alone she's told me at least fifteen times that 'Now I've talked to you, it's obvious that (birth name) doesn't exist anymore. She's not here, she's just dead.' And I find that utterly horrible. She keeps talking like I've changed everything about who I am, but I haven't at all; I'm still exactly the same person, I just have a different name and look different. I feel like she's invalidating my identity at every turn! I have always been a man on the inside, but the way she speaks it's clear that she only thinks of me as a man now.
She's trying to get my name right now, as are my father and uncle (because I correct them every single time, without fail), but they've all got it into their heads that when talking about me in the past it's perfectly fine to use my old name 'because you were (birth name) then', and won't accept me correcting them on this.
Then, on top of all of this, my aunt got into an argument with me about my birth name, because no one at my work knows it and she believes it's something I need to tell anyone I'm close with. When I asked her why she thought it was important, she said to not tell someone my birth name was deceiving them, lying and keeping secrets, and that behaviour like that meant I didn't trust a person, and would break down a relationship. She's adament that it's information I should be required to tell people, and thinks that to not do so proves that I'm ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of my old name at all, I just don't freaking like it! And I really don't see why anyone else needs to know it!
I've spent the last few days explaining everything about myself to them over and over, and I'm tired of it and fed up.
I shouldn't have to talk about my sex life with my aunt, uncle and father, but I always tell them to ask any questions that they have, because I'd rather they didn't make up their own answers.
Coming back to this place is amazing. I grew up in an oppressive and emotionally abusive house with these three people, and being away for so long I'd completely forgotten what it felt like. I've only been here a couple of days now and I already feel sick to my stomach, worried and depressed...
I think I need a hug...
