So, I don't know if it is the same for all guys, but I feel more dysphoric after (finally) accepting that I am actually a guy. I bind and pack at home, and I feel completely comfortable. Or at least as comfortable as I am able. When I leave though, I don't really have a choice. I can bind, but I don't really have the right pants for packing in public without it looking obviously fake. Not to mention everyone here knows both me and my sweetie, and he is a pretty public figure and will be until he quits his job in January.
We went to to the pub on campus to have a drink and watch Captian America (my boy was not happy, but that's another story) and I broke the seal without thinking about it. Even on my best days I could never pass as a guy as I am what with being pre-t and all. I am simply too fem to do it. Coupled with the fact that a bunch of folks who don't know and work with my guy were there. So, I had to use the ladies restroom. I never really like public bathrooms, but I was able to at least tolerate it before I came to terms with myself. Tonight though, all I wanted to do was use the men's room. I would have chanced it if a co-worker had not walked out. I just felt uncomfortable, angry, and sad to have to resort to using the women's room.
I figured after all these years of lying to myself, I would be able to do something as simple as use the women's room, but now it seems that my dysphoria compounds daily. FML.
Though, to end on a happy note (since I prefer to be a positive guy) it was fun listening to my comic loving boy nit pick at the movie. He's such a goof, and he was able to make me feel better after I used the bathroom. I am lucky to have such a good man.
