hi, I'm the BF of an FtM and I need guidance

[zaidoski]

Hello, like the title suggests I am the boyfriend of a pre-op FtM. I am cisgendered, a term I recently became aware of.

We've been together almost a year now (January 14th) and I am very much in love with her? him? Prior to our dating I was only vaguely aware of trans-issues and lets just say I've been learning a great deal. It was a shock to say the least when I she told me that she is really a he!

After I was told this changed nothing in my heart. It was only in other areas had this had any effect. I am struggling with his (I guess that is the term he prefers) urge to become a man, a gay man. As a cisgendered mostly-heterosexual it has been difficult. Thinking about being in a serious relationship is difficult because of my own issues and preconceptions.

Its bringing up in me all sorts of previously hidden prejudices and urges and fears. Parts of me are scared, horrified, attracted and confused. Along with others that aren't so easily put into words. But my feelings haven't changed, I am still so madly in love with...him.

I never imagined that I wind up in such a relationship. I was always attracted to and had relationships with females.

Where he is going through his own slew of deeply-personal gender identity issues I find myself going through personal identity and attraction issues. Still to this very moment I am totally smitten and in love with him and I wish to continue our relationship.

But despite this, how I feel, things never seen inside me have bubbled up and they're terrifying. I feel torn apart by love, lust, confusion, disgust, anxiety and fear. What should I do? Could anyone share similar experiences? It keeps me up at night that whatever these things are, so much is seemingly impossible to put into words, will tear us apart.

And that's the nightmare scenario for me.

[Derek]

I don't really have any advice for you, but I wanted to leave a reply here because I saw that 19 people had looked at it and said nothing. And I just wanted you to know it was seen.

I'm ftm and my partner (male cisgender) is really not cool with it. He pretty much refused to look for advice or connect with any other person who was in the same situation, so props to you for actually coming here and doing that.

I dunno, man. Sex and gender and sexuality are really freaking weird and confusing. It's alright and normal to be confused and weirded out. Your partner is, I guarantee you, freaking out like a thousand times harder than you are right now.

You said you're still in love. That's good, work on that. You're going to need a lot of communication and you probably will want to look into therapy. For your partner and for yourself, and maybe couples therapy if you can afford it. This kind of thing can get a little crazy.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Ftm's on here always talk about their relationships with men while transitioning, often it doesn't work because if a straight cisman does stay with his partner, it's clear that he still sees him as a woman. If your partner takes T, it will change her a lot, mentally and physically.

It's perfectly understandable how you feel, and it's not easy for an SO to adjust. I wish you guys the best.

[Wolfsnake]

Derek, kudos to you for coming here for help, and for being supportive of your boyfriend even though this is confusing and makes you uncomfortable. Major props.

I'm not sure there's anything I can say that will smooth this over. In fact, I'm certain there's nothing I can say, because this is huge. For both of you. I have a little experience with a similar situation, since last year I came out to my straight-identified cis boyfriend, after we'd been together for five years. It was incredibly difficult, and it forced him to re-examine his entire perspective on sexuality, gender, and where he fit in with all of it. Like it seems with you and your BF, he was still very much in love with me as a person, rather than as a gender, at the time I came out. He was homophobic, uncomfortable, and confused for a while. But we talked. A lot. And we got through it. We're both happier than we've ever been, because we're both completely honest with each other about how we feel now. I'm not saying it'll work out perfectly every time. Sometimes things just don't work out. All I'm saying is that communication is the only way it will have a chance. This is true for any relationship, but for one like this especially. It's vital to let your partner know how you feel, ask him how he feels, and realize that it's OK if those feelings change over time.

Touching on pronouns (since you seem unsure which ones to use), if your SO identifies as male, using male pronouns rather than female ones may help him feel more accepted by you. Ask him what he prefers, and realize if he's very new to being "out" he may be uncomfortable asking you to use those words just yet. Touch base often, and you can keep each other much more comfortable.

One other thing I'd like to mention, too: It's tempting to start labeling right away. Labels are something you can hold onto, a fixed, familiar point when your life has been all mixed up beyond recognition. But I would encourage you to avoid identifying your self with labels anytime soon. Don't try to think of yourself as gay, or straight, or anything but Derek. You are yourself, and you love this person, who identifies as male. That's all that matters. Don't give it any of the negative connotations you may have grown up with. Just think about how you love this person, and what you'd be willing to explore with him. Give yourself permission not to worry about other people. To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind. The important thing, at the end of the day, is that you can respect yourself, your partner, and your decisions. The rest of the world can go be bigoted elsewhere.

I wish you both the best of luck. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any time.

[MetaFic]

My mate and I have been in the same boat as you; he being (or had been) in your position. We talked a lot for the next several days; in that time, we learned a lot more about each other than we would have if my gender had never been question. Secondly, it took time; I was terrified of rejection, and I'll admit, there are moments when I still do, but we pulled through it.

I mentioned it on another post here, but I'll mention it again anyway.

It helped that he was both open, (he admitting to being bicurious, so I understood he was willing to explore parts of him that he either a) didn't have a chance to explore or b) never really thought about, and honest, telling me when it was too fast, weird, or confusing. I shared with him how I felt when it felt like he was pulling away, the moments that I felt angered and hurt, and the fear I had of being rejected.

As Derek said, there has to be communication. We looked up information together because, at that time, I didn't know much transgender issues or facts either. I just knew how I felt. Taking it slowly was something we always did. Some days it felt like we went one step forward and two steps back or danced in circles over the issue because neither of us knew how to start. Letters were exchanged over and over again...well, given to him. Letters were easier for me. Talking was easier for him.

The biggest thing that a loved one can do is just support the person they love. You might know the right thing to do or say or how to always react, but having someone there to say that they're are valued, they're are loved, and that doesn't change because of their gender is huge.

[Felix]

I came out to my cisgendered heterosexual long-term boyfriend last year. He was really cool about it, but we were already looking at breaking up, so we didn't have to navigate the question of whether to stay together and work through the gender change.

He's still a friend, and we still have sex occasionally, but we have discussed the fact that at some point I will have transitioned enough that it will just feel too weird. He does seem to accept me as male. He's honestly not all that conforming to gender norms himself, and he doesn't mind the idea of being sexually flexible as well.

Idk where I'm going with this. Hey zaidoski, it's great that you're expressing your feelings about your situation and seeking advice. A lot of times people just fall apart. I wish the best of luck to you and your boyfriend.

[cynthialee]

Bout 3 months after I started my transition from Male to Female my spouse started taking testosterone so as to transition from Female to Androgyn.
Not exactly the same but the end result is pretty similar.

Your 'girl' is really your man. This is going to be a hard pill to swallow at first but it is what it is.

When he starts T things are really going to change. ALLOT!

His voice will drop, his privates will change somewhat, he will slowly start growing facial and abdominal hair, his sex drive will likely alter. This is just the tip of the iceburg. He will start to grow out of female mannerisms and thought paterns. He will become a man, and you will be impacted one way or anouther.
If you are not bisexual then you will not be able to focus on his male traits and accept him as a man when you have sex. If you are bisexual the conflicting gender markers that your mate posseses will trip you up for awhile and it could very likely confuse your reptile brain as to how you should proceed in the bed. (always err on the male side!)

Socially you will be seen as a gay male couple. (which you will be)

I can tell you safely that love is not always enough to see a couple through a transition. If you are incapable of making the social, sexual and mental adjustments to having a boy friend then things are going to be rather difficult.

I am not trying to chase you away from him. I promiss. I just feel that you need to know what you are signing up for and that it is not going to be a walk in the park.

I wish you the best.

[Daniel006]

I just want to say that it is awesome that you want to stay with your significant other.  I came out to my boyfriend as being ftm about four months ago and he has been amazing about it.  He is a bit concerned though that he can't find any information about people that have been in his situation and have stayed with their transitioning boyfriend.  We have been together for almost six years now and neither of us want the relationship to end.  It is a process though, and communication is key.  We both know that there might be some point down the line that either one of us might not be able to handle staying together.  He has identified as straight, although now he sees himself as bisexual, and I have never felt sexual attraction toward either gender and currently identify as asexual.  It could end up going south for either of us.  We both want it to work out, but have already talked about staying on friendly terms if it will not work out sexually.

One thing I would like to say is that your partner is probably just as or more confused than you are on the whole matter.  I know I'm still coming to terms with myself, while it was my boyfriend who told me he was going to start using male pronouns.  He seems to be taking everything in stride.

Best of luck with everything in the future!

[VeryGnawty]

What should I do?

Work with him.  This will be as hard for you as it will be for him.  You both have a lot of deep feelings to work through.