Spinning My Wheels

[Daniel006]

I kind of feel like I'm stuck at the moment.  I know that I have been so much more comfortable with myself since changing my wardrobe to male clothing, so there is no way that I would want to go back, and I don't really like this middle ground I am currently at, but I also feel like I am paralyzed by fear of moving forward and the unknown.  I know I want top surgery regardless of anything else.  If by some bizarre circumstance, I should change my mind and want to live as a girl (shudder) I don't need (or want) breasts.  I want T, but there are so many things I would want to do before starting it.  First and foremost I would want to be sure that I'm comfortable with a male name and pronouns, but I feel silly asking my family to switch over while still looking female, creating a chicken and egg cycle.  Don't want to ask to change pronouns until T, and don't want T until I've changed pronouns...

Next is that I would want to be out at work and with my drum corps so that way they could be prepared for any physical changes, but this scares me ->-bleeped-<-less.  I would also want to come out on facebook for the same reason.  My family and close friends know and have been great about it, but I'm afraid of the awkwardness that might follow at work.  I really enjoy my job and the easy conversation I have with my coworkers.  I don't want to be that girl that thinks she's a guy or anything like that.  I have talked to my manager and she assured me that my job is safe and harassment wouldn't be tolerated, but the silent treatment is what scares me.  I've also talked to one coworker and she has been amazing.  I don't know if she did it consciously or not, but she switched from casual interjections of "girl" to "man" within minutes and even asked me what name I was thinking of.  Just the little bit of hope from her reaction has really brightened up my life.  Even if no one else at work accepts me, I can still talk with her, and she has said she would defend me to anyone.

Really, I think my general problem is I have such a high level of inertia.  I have always resisted change so much and waited until the last moment to do anything.  When my insurance switches over to Kaiser in January, I will likely gain access to T and top surgery.  This next month and a half is both going to take forever and fly by.  I want T and I want top surgery, but I feel like I'm holding myself back as well.

So now I don't want to go back, but I'm too afraid to move forward.  This half-way thing isn't doing it for me either.  Thoughts and experiences?

[JohnAlex]

Lol, I can totally relate.  I'm in a similar situation.

I also can't ask my family, or anyone, to switch over pronouns for me.  I chose a gender neutral name, and I made them switch over to that.  I was often online as a guy, so I kinda knew that I liked male pronouns.  But I didn't have that experience IRL until recently. 
I've been going to several different LGBT club/groups, through my school or in the community.  And those people there are the most accepting people ever.  Even if you're just questioning.  You could go to one of these support groups and people will call you "he".  And at least for me, that first day when everyone in the room was calling me "he" for the first time, I nearly cried.  I did cry on my way home.  It was the most amazing thing ever for me.  Nothing ever felt so right.  I long for the day when everyone, strangers on the street, can call me "he". 

But I feel like I look (or more like sound) too female right now to ask my family to switch pronouns.  but when I start T, I will start making them.

I also did the whole coming out on facebook thing.  I feel like it's a really indirect way to let everyone know.  And then when changes start to happen, they will know why.  And for the people I don't have on facebook like coworkers, I just figure if they ask me, "why is your voice lower?"  I'll be like, "Oh, you didn't know?  Yeah, I'm a transgendered guy, so I'm making my body match that."  Or something along those lines.  To blunt, but not making a big deal out of it at the same time.   I'm not on T yet, so we'll see how well that works.

[Daniel006]

I'm going to an ftm support group at the end of this month, so I was kind of hoping for the chance to be called "he" by other people.  They only meet once a month though.  I'm a bit nervous but excited too.  My boyfriend has switched over to male pronouns, but it feels a bit awkward around the family.  I also thought that I would finally start posting here to get a feel for my name and pronouns on the internet.  Everyone here is pretty awesome and I love the intelligent conversations (and even some of the not as intelligent conversations...  )

I'm just a bit worried that the coming out on facebook might be overlooked by most people, especially if it gets buried in their feed.  I know I don't read every single thing about every single friend, but I guess the ones that really matter would see it.

[JohnAlex]

I'm going to an ftm support group at the end of this month, so I was kind of hoping for the chance to be called "he" by other people.  They only meet once a month though.  I'm a bit nervous but excited too.  My boyfriend has switched over to male pronouns, but it feels a bit awkward around the family.  I also thought that I would finally start posting here to get a feel for my name and pronouns on the internet.  Everyone here is pretty awesome and I love the intelligent conversations (and even some of the not as intelligent conversations...  )

I'm just a bit worried that the coming out on facebook might be overlooked by most people, especially if it gets buried in their feed.  I know I don't read every single thing about every single friend, but I guess the ones that really matter would see it.

that's true, the ones who really matter would see it.  Idk how many friends you have.  but you could also send out a mass private message, with a note saying they don't have to respond, or something.  just so it's less confrontational, unless you want it to be.

Yes, support groups are nice
If you could, I would find one that meets once a week.  Or many go to several.  I currently go to three that each meet once a week.  It's just nice to be around that environment

[Lee]

Replace drum line with dance groups and your post could have been mine.  There's always a little voice saying "What if you're really screwing up?"  Being in a situation where I'm seen as male definitely helps me get over this. 

It's too bad you have to wait for a group and that it doesn't meet often.  If there's an LGBT group of any sort it could also serve as a great place to be seen as you.  I'm with an LGBT square dancing group, and they're great with names and pronouns.  There are also a few other trans guys there, and it's a very comfortable environment.  You might look into various LGBT groups if it feels like the trans support group isn't enough.