why don't they understand? (sort of vent)

[emostache69]

Friday: I went shopping with my mom to do some mother... child bonding... we have never been close and my step dad has been pushing us to try to connect more so we can understand each other. As usual she didn't really buy anything other then her (HORRIBLE) soup, but she also wanted to buy me more underwear seeing as i was running out going back and forth from mom's to dad's. She normally buys me things shoves it in my closet and i just kinda wear it so i was not used to this. As soon as i saw the Jockey store i started feeling uneasy and knew that this wasn't going to be good. There was a clear dividing line between the boys boxers and the girls langurie and panties making me feel really dysphoric so I kept my head down and stayed silent. My mom made me pick out panties which i absolutely loathed and she didn't say a thing when she saw me clearly upset as i talked with a shaky voice. Girls in the women's section started to stare at me because i was wearing an all boys get up that hid my chest but my long hair was still out. I didn't really talk to my mom after that because i was afraid i was going to break down crying.

Sunday: I was wearing my normal skinny jeans, baggy T, and flat rimmed hat outfit to go out with my dad this morning when he stopped me and told me to take off my hat. He said that he hated it and didn't want me wearing flat rimmed hat's anymore. I told him that i liked flat rimmed hats and that I'm my own person i wear what I want. He then responded, " I will not allow you to walk around looking like a white ->-bleeped-<-." He then lectured me on how it's ok to be happy with yourself but its more important for others to accept you even if it means that you have to be unhappy. I wanted to argue back but i just bit my tongue because i know that no matter what I say he's always going to believe that he's right.
Tonight i came back from a never ending trip with my dad to look at his old college which he wants me to go to. When i came home my step dad greeted me by saying "Well, aren't you looking rather beautiful tonight." and then later he said "I think you look so pretty with your hair long and down, you look gorgeous, just like your mom." Hearing this made me feel terribly self conscious and dysphoric, especially because i had already told them not too long ago that i was uncomfortable being called those things, like beautiful, gorgeous, etc.
so yeah... this weekend was terrible

[supremecatoverlord]

My mom used to tell me, "Those are boys clothes; why do you wear them? Girls wear girls clothes because their bodies are different." This was before I told her I was trans. If you keep it a secret, most people don't make the connection, so if your dysphoria is so bad that stuff like this really bothers you, it's probably time you do. I can't stress how much most people tend to make gender role assumptions about people in our society and end up being totally wrong. All people are different and your mother might have a hard time not seeing you as her "daughter" unless you say otherwise. She is likely not trying to spite you.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i think your dad has it pretty messed up by saying it's more important what others think of you even if it means less of your happiness... he must've either made that up or got it from some of the wrong people. most people don't understand, especially parents who think their offsprings need to live their lives in a "better" version of how they lived their own. people don't seem to understand unless you start being firm with who you are. they say actions speak louder than words. transition really speaks volumes when you have the opportunity to do it. other than that, you should try and be more firm. be firm with who you are, and if they tell you it's more important of others approval than your own happiness, they have it twisted.

[Dane]

I've never had this problem because my parents have let me wear whatever I wanted to from day one. Except for boxers, which I'm working on saving up for.

Sounds like your parents need to take a class in not being jerkish.

[Daniel006]

Wow, just reading some of what your dad said made my stomach churn.  Sadly, I get most of that from my coworkers, who I'm not out to.  Sometimes I get the "Why don't you grow your hair back out?" or when my height dysphoria is rearing its ugly head, they try to console me by telling me I have other good qualities, such as how "beautiful" I am. *shudder*  I've asked them to avoid using words such as "beautiful" and "pretty".  When they asked what they could say instead and I told them "good looking" and such, one of my coworkers came back with how those are words for describing a man.  *facepalm*

My family has gotten better since I came out to them.  I used to get a Victoria's Secret gift card every year for Christmas, despite many hints that I've never wanted one.  I've confirmed with my mom that I wont be getting one this year.    I know everyone's circumstance is different, but since coming out, I have not been forced to wear female clothes or expected to wear a dress at all.

[emostache69]

My mom used to tell me, "Those are boys clothes; why do you wear them? Girls wear girls clothes because their bodies are different." This was before I told her I was trans. If you keep it a secret, most people don't make the connection, so if your dysphoria is so bad that stuff like this really bothers you, it's probably time you do. I can't stress how much most people tend to make gender role assumptions about people in our society and end up being totally wrong. All people are different and your mother might have a hard time not seeing you as her "daughter" unless you say otherwise. She is likely not trying to spite you.

yea... i already came out to my mom and step dad but they didn't accept it. so in a way i think this is them trying to drill into my head that they will not accept it no matter how i feel.

[supremecatoverlord]

yea... i already came out to my mom and step dad but they didn't accept it. so in a way i think this is them trying to drill into my head that they will not accept it no matter how i feel.

You told them that you were trans and wanted to start male hormones?
How long did you spend describing it to your mother?
If it was only brief, sometimes people who know nothing about the subject area will completely dismiss it.=/

[JohnAlex]

man that really sucks.  I feel for you.

I can't tell you why they don't understand.  they just don't.  You could try educating them.  but I'm usually hopeless for people like them.  Many people in my family are unaccepting.  the only thing that's working for me is working on getting the confidence to stand up for myself.
I'll tell you what I'm doing, and you can take from it as you will.

I'm attending 3 different LGBT clubs/groups so I can be around people who are accepting.  It's giving me confidence.  So that I can stand up for myself all the time. So that when someone (who knows better) calls me a girl, I can correct them right then and there.  Or when they buy my a female clothes item, I can call them out on it.  Basically, stand up for myself.   
When I first came out to a select few in my family, they didn't believe me and treated me the same.  And I had no confidence to stand up for myself.

Wouldn't you have liked to say loud and out loud in the store, "I'm a boy, why are you trying to buy me women's underwear?"  Wouldn't that have gotten some looks in the store?  Lol.  Your mom probably would have felt awkward. 

I feel like confidence is an amazing thing.  When I have confidence, I can stand up for myself and then I feel better about myself.   So find what you need to do to boost your confidence.  Find if you have support groups in your area. 

[supremecatoverlord]

man that really sucks.  I feel for you.

I can't tell you why they don't understand.  they just don't.  You could try educating them.  but I'm usually hopeless for people like them.  Many people in my family are unaccepting.  the only thing that's working for me is working on getting the confidence to stand up for myself.
I'll tell you what I'm doing, and you can take from it as you will.

I'm attending 3 different LGBT clubs/groups so I can be around people who are accepting.  It's giving me confidence.  So that I can stand up for myself all the time. So that when someone (who knows better) calls me a girl, I can correct them right then and there.  Or when they buy my a female clothes item, I can call them out on it.  Basically, stand up for myself.   
When I first came out to a select few in my family, they didn't believe me and treated me the same.  And I had no confidence to stand up for myself.

Wouldn't you have liked to say loud and out loud in the store, "I'm a boy, why are you trying to buy me women's underwear?"  Wouldn't that have gotten some looks in the store?  Lol.  Your mom probably would have felt awkward. 

I feel like confidence is an amazing thing.  When I have confidence, I can stand up for myself and then I feel better about myself.   So find what you need to do to boost your confidence.  Find if you have support groups in your area.

+1

This is exactly what I am trying to say. Even when my mom would discourage me from getting the clothes I wanted and I wasn't out, I'd tell her, "Clothes are just clothes and I like this better. It's what makes me happy...and besides, they just serve the purpose of people not walking around naked anyway" and when she went to buy me something I didn't like, I said, "Mom, that's too effeminate. I'm going to put that back." Be outspoken. Especially that you're out to her, you should make it clear that you are a boy and that she shouldn't buy her a boy girl's clothes.

[Daniel006]

Shopping with my mom has always been like pulling teeth, long before I consciously began questioning my gender.  A typical shopping trip involved following her around as she would hold up different pieces of clothing for me to either shake my head at (usually if there were things like frills or flowers or if it was too low cut) or agree to try it on (usually only the plainest of clothes).  It was like pulling teeth.  About a month ago, my mom and I went out shopping for male apparel for me, and the difference was like night and day.  She said it was like shopping with my sisters, and that apparently we had been shopping in the wrong section for me the whole time.

Since then, I have purged my closet of the old female clothes (that I never wore anyway, I wore t-shirts instead) to make room for clothes I actually feel comfortable in.  I find that I am more uncomfortable in female clothes in general than in male clothes while not passing.

[emostache69]

man that really sucks.  I feel for you.

I can't tell you why they don't understand.  they just don't.  You could try educating them.  but I'm usually hopeless for people like them.  Many people in my family are unaccepting.  the only thing that's working for me is working on getting the confidence to stand up for myself.
I'll tell you what I'm doing, and you can take from it as you will.

I'm attending 3 different LGBT clubs/groups so I can be around people who are accepting.  It's giving me confidence.  So that I can stand up for myself all the time. So that when someone (who knows better) calls me a girl, I can correct them right then and there.  Or when they buy my a female clothes item, I can call them out on it.  Basically, stand up for myself.   
When I first came out to a select few in my family, they didn't believe me and treated me the same.  And I had no confidence to stand up for myself.

Wouldn't you have liked to say loud and out loud in the store, "I'm a boy, why are you trying to buy me women's underwear?"  Wouldn't that have gotten some looks in the store?  Lol.  Your mom probably would have felt awkward. 

I feel like confidence is an amazing thing.  When I have confidence, I can stand up for myself and then I feel better about myself.   So find what you need to do to boost your confidence.  Find if you have support groups in your area.

thanks alot man, i think i'll man up now and actually go to those LGBT meetings at my school for once (always been afraid to go) and i'll push forward to have more confidence in myself like you seem to have. I've always been really mellow and a go with the flow kinda guy, and i've always been really selfless and put everyone before me (which has always ended up getting me hurt) but i think i can do it.
thanks for giving me the pep talk of the century 

[JohnAlex]

thanks alot man, i think i'll man up now and actually go to those LGBT meetings at my school for once (always been afraid to go) and i'll push forward to have more confidence in myself like you seem to have. I've always been really mellow and a go with the flow kinda guy, and i've always been really selfless and put everyone before me (which has always ended up getting me hurt) but i think i can do it.
thanks for giving me the pep talk of the century 

You're welcome
But I'm still not the most confident person.  I used to be a horribly shy person.  I couldn't stand up for myself for nothing.  and I'm only just starting to get better.  It takes time.  but I can feel myself on the uprise, and you will too

[Felix]

I don't know what to say but good luck and we're here for you. That sounds like a really difficult way to live. Your parents' behavior is hurtful. I'm going to assume they do love you, and they're just being ignorant and misguided. I second JohnAlex's advice.

[N.Chaos]

emostache, I'm so sorry about all of this, seriously that's just awful. Your step-dad sounds a lot like my dad though, which...really kind of sucks. I'm gonna agree with Felix that they do probably love you and are just...hideously clueless. Definitely try going to those meetings, I wish I'd have done that back when I had the chance.

[anibioman]

everyone but my mother has acted like that to me making me really uncomfortable. just show them who you are and they should come around.

[Kyle_S]

I feel for ya, man. I guess I got lucky not having a dad to worry about his reaction, and my mom has never forced anything on me (clothes, religion, mannerisms, etc). She Still hasn't quite come around to the trans thing, but I'm working on warming her up to it. I'm talking to her about it more and more now to concrete it in her head, she may as well start thinking of me as her other son. Topics included have been testosterone and effects, and changing my name. In detail. She just listens, which is a step. I hope that your mom and step-dad can come to accept you. Though, you may have to make the hard choice to distance yourself from them as soon as you can, if they cannot. I, for one, know I will not be able to step foot in my house again (due to my homo/transphobic brother that lives here), once I move and start T. We just gotta stay strong, even if others try to bring us down. Good Luck!