trying to find words for my feelings

[rylielove]

i'm loosing my mind... i feel schizophrenic

[stldrmgrl]

Like you said, I could tell you it'll be okay in four months and to just hold out, but I know it's not that easy.  Limbo is a stressful place to be, but it is better to be in limbo than to be in reverse.  I know the feeling of proving to yourself that your trans, as curiosity of going back to living as a guy fills our minds from time to time.  However, I can assure you that despite those feelings now, going back to being a guy only complicates things further, and the feelings never last anyway.  Anything you've done to get where you are will become voided, and should you decide to transition again, you'll need to repeat everything, causing even further frustration.

I am feeling the same way you are, as I too am in limbo.  My endocrinologist has suspended my HRT, I'm not living full-time and I'm unemployed.

But, we are who we are.  We can doubt ourselves one minute, accept ourselves the next - it doesn't make us any less of a person.  Despite the feeling of having two personalities, it doesn't have to be that way.  Integrate some of your male feelings into your life to fit positively; they don't need to fade completely and certainly don't all need to be viewed as being negative.  For work, dress a bit more androgynous so you're not completely engulfing yourself in a masculine appearance.  And lastly for work, don't attempt to act masculine if you're not, just be yourself.

Attitude is everything and having the strength to pull through these times makes you one hell of a person.  It's tough when we fall, making it easier to give up, but nothing is accomplished as you will find yourself just falling deeper and deeper with less and less of a way out.  I know it's hard, but please try and hold it together.  If you focus on the time, it'll seem like forever, so I advise to try and clear your mind from counting down the days.  You're a lot further along than I am, so I know you've made it through some battles before.  Try and occupy your mind with something else for these four months so you're not constantly thinking about it.  Before you know it, you'll be right where you want to be

PM me if you need someone to talk to.  Hang in there girl.

[Joeyboo~ :3]

I'm only 3 1/2 months on HRT and I already feel like I'm going to lose my mind because I can't go full time yet because of certain circumstances.
I cant even imagine how you must feel.

-hug hug-

[Bishounen]

rylielove: Just a suggestion that may ofcourse be totally wrong, only you can know, but, is it possible that you feel the way you do and are having trouble with relating to both the boy-role aswell as the girl-role, because you feel that none of the roles allows you to be fully you?
Nor would very apparently "living between the genders" do the trick for you either, according to what you said, but have you thought about how you would like to live your life if you could put away all thoughts of gender-labels and only "be", so to speak?

You know, just because you are gendervarianted and/or want to change your body, it does not mean that you have to confirm to a specific gender-role.
The most important thing in this journey of yours, is to live your life the way that makes you happy, without trying to live up to expectations of how you "must" be to be considered "legitimate".

As said, this is only a suggestion, and only you can know what genuinly is the problem.
Try doing some soulsearching, if you can find the peace needed to do so. You live through a time in life right now with big life-altering decissions and you must take the steps in your own pase and not stress yourself only to try to prove something for others, or, yourself, but to find the way that will make you truly happy.

[Tamaki]

 Change 16 months on hrt to 12 months, drop the ffs and change time off to unemployment I'm in exactly the same place you are. Same feelings and frustrations but don't forget the crying jags on the way into work especially on Mondays.

Living a dual life like many of us do will slowly drive anyone insane and make you question what you're doing.

If you're committed to waiting until March just hang in there, you'll make it through it just won't be easy and I suspect it will get harder as the date gets closer. It's really hard to believe that you're on the wrong path, I would guess that working and being successful as a guy while knowing you're not and living a dual life is just messing with you're head.

Don't despair, it's gonna be okay.

[Metroland]

I really don't want to be philosophical but I think that the problem is that you have linked your work and transitioning together.  Try to decouple these two.  I think that there is something deeper than either work or HRT.  I am not sure what it is.  What have you been doing so far that is right?  Keeping doing it.

I think that you already found a 3rd way to help yourself by coming on this website.  You are already branching into a solution.  You have been doing the right thing just keep on doing it.  Maybe try to do something that you enjoy that will take your mind off of these things happening right now.

You seem like you are going in the right direction. You are present with your emotions.  This is important.  Don't let this emotion go.  Just live it and stay with this. The good momentum will pull you through.

[rylielove]

yay! thanks ya'll i felt better the second half of the day after having a good cry during lunch and writing this little rant

it just seems like 4 months is FOREVER... it seems like its so far away that it will never come, that living fulltime will never come, that seeing a girl in the mirror not seeing a boy in the mirror will never come and because this feeling of 'never' it makes me question what the heck im doing, it makes me feel like i should be doing something else and what i am doing (being patient) is wrong.  also that im soo fixated on waiting 4 months for essentially 'everything' to happen its like putting all my eggs in one basket and that idea alone is scary. i just wish i could turn off the parts of my brain that identify gender in myself and others... gosh darnit!


now if only my puppy would poop when i want her to and today would turn out nicely

[JoanneB]

I think it is great you have a definite goal, a defined date, and well thought out plans on how to get there. Obviously, you spent a lot of time working this all out. OF COURSE YOU ARE ANXIOUS! I cannot count how many times my life got shuffled around because of work pressures. It also meant I made myself that much more valuable to the company and myself a bit richer 

Try to focus on all the positive things the extra time and money is providing. The maybe BA can be a yes. A little body sculpting might also be affordable along with FFS. A little extra money in the bank so you can take that extra week off after FFS and seeing yourself in the mirror  thinking you need 6 months to recover    The delay is a blessing in disguise.

"Lemons or Lemon-aid?" Which is more fun?

The pain of part-time living is tremendous. I do it because full-time is presently not practical. In your case the emotional pain is not just yours, but for everyone else around you too. Plus having to deal with the "Well...." and "When...." questions and implications. Sure you told everyone that it got delayed because of work, but what are they really thinking by now?

For me the absolute worse time is every Sunday around 10:00 PM when off comes the nail polish, the semi permanent symbol of life as a woman, marking a return to faking it as a guy. I get teary eyed almost every time. Taking off my face every night is par for the course and doesn't bother me much at all.