oh man, where do i go with this? i've been thrown into some kind of weird pocket dimension in which the world is actually full of really awesome accepting people. the skeptic in me just wants to keep up my walls and maintain an insurmountable distance between me and these people who have fallen into my lives, then there's this side of me that feels an inexplicable love for them. i've only ever felt emotions like this for family members and significant others so it's really bizarre being in a place where i'm feeling like this towards people based on friendship. and i mean a deep kind of genuine adoration that's joyful and warm. and that scares me because i want to dive into it and it's been less than a month since i first met this girl and only this weekend that i've met her brother and best friend and yet it's so intense and so natural between us that we're finding it hard to believe that it HAS been such a short space of time.... and that puts me in a vulnerable position. i got seriously, seriously hurt by so many people who i considered my friends, to the point that i truly believed i would never have a close friend and that the majority of people are actually twats who don't give a <not allowed> about anyone but themselves, and having that idea rearranged means i'm back in a place in which i can get hurt again. those past experiences provided me with protection, and they also led me to believe there was something intrinsically wrong with me, so here i am dangling above a long drop into the unknown wondering if i let go, will they eventually discover that person and throw me away like everyone else?
i had a great weekend... i don't think i can remember a time when i've enjoyed talking and banter and just hanging out like that. the clubs were alright, it was incredibly busy to the point you could hardly move, and i wanted to mingle a bit and converse with the wasted randoms, but my mood was through the roof and i passed multiple times, notably to a bouncer who kept calling me lad before he asked to see my ID. at one point i was struck with a wave of intense dysphoria and frustration about being androgynous and boyish and caught in this trans limbo while being out and wanting to be more masculine while in the middle of a crowd, but ain't nothing i can or could do about that, i'm working on it, so i sucked it up and dealt with it.
it's kinda crazy though; me and my friend's brother might have been separated at birth... we're the same person. i mean to a ridiculous point. we have the same piercings, the same interests, the same opinions, the same hat that's stuck to our heads about 90% of the time.... after maybe eight hours after meeting him for the first time we were finishing each other's sentences. the only major difference is our height. he's like a foot taller than me.
i feel like i love these people, and how can i after mere minutes? they're also completely accepting of my being trans, it's not even there, they see me as a guy, without any effort. i'm so grateful for them. my mind just feels kinda blown and uncertain of how to tread on all this new territory.
