fear of surgery

[beyondlabels]

I am ftm. I have never felt like a woman and I have always hated my breasts and envied male chest, but somehow top surgery scares me. I somehow feel something that's been always there will be missing and it's feels odd to think about it, so I don't know if that's because I am not trans enough and there's a female side of me claiming that that is a part of her body, or it's just that I am used to have it there.

So I wonder if any MTF is also scared of bottom surgery, of a part of your body being removed, even knowing that's what you want.

[lindsey26]

It's essentialy not having it "removed" it is just moved to another area of the body not taken completely away. No, I am actually looking forward to it. Guess a little scared but it is what is necessary to make me who I know that I am in my heart.

[El]

I cant help looking at it in a profit/loss sort of way (thats just who i am) and the "profit" of having a major source of my disphoria being removed from the equation far outweighs the "loss" of risks associated with surgery. Even if i were to die during the surgery (lets hope that doesnt happen!) I would at least die with the knowledge i died being true to myself instead of pandering to everyone else. That said, i really want rid of that part of my body, it makes me physically feel sick.

[AbraCadabra]

+ 1
no need to add a thing.

Thank you,
Axelle

[Julo]

Scared, yeas. As I am scared of the health risks of HRT I´m on. But for me it has always been mostly fears of health issues.
I can´t see myself missing my parts that now hang outside. I have tried hard to imagine that situation just to test myself. Mostly I end up having phantom vagina feelings and they are getting stronger the closer to my surgery I get.

[Catherine Sarah]

I cant help looking at it in a profit/loss sort of way (thats just who i am) and the "profit" of having a major source of my disphoria being removed from the equation far outweighs the "loss" of risks associated with surgery. Even if i were to die during the surgery (lets hope that doesnt happen!) I would at least die with the knowledge i died being true to myself instead of pandering to everyone else. That said, i really want rid of that part of my body, it makes me physically feel sick.

AMEN !!!!

Love
Catherine

[Anatta]

Kia Ora B,

I guess fear [False Evidence Appearing Real] does play a part in stopping some trans-women from going under the surgeon's knife...The fear of the unknown is a terror that constantly plagues the human mind...

A trans-women  friend of mine, had this fear, she had not been to hospital for anything major in her 50+ years[apart from having the tip of her finger stitched in her youth], she was petrified but some how managed to overcome it, perhaps her desire to have peace of mind began to out weight any fears she had of the surgery that would achieve this...After her surgery she was the bees knees, and never once mentioned about how fearful she was prior to her surgery...It's funny how the human mind works....

I for one had no fear whatsoever, I had total faith in the surgical team that performed my surgery...

"Worry is to pay interest on trouble that may never come-so don't bank on/with it !"

Metta Zenda  

[Natkat]

I am ftm. I have never felt like a woman and I have always hated my breasts and envied male chest, but somehow top surgery scares me. I somehow feel something that's been always there will be missing and it's feels odd to think about it, so I don't know if that's because I am not trans enough and there's a female side of me claiming that that is a part of her body, or it's just that I am used to have it there.

So I wonder if any MTF is also scared of bottom surgery, of a part of your body being removed, even knowing that's what you want.

there are ftm who dosent make top surgery, however most want it..
it dosent make you "not FTM enough" its just a choice you deside whatever you wanna chance your body or not and how much.

[AbraCadabra]

Well, in my case I better be fine with my shoulders - because I can not even CHANGE them! There is no surgery for THAT.

I also feel it's just part of me, - like it or not...

I do feel for you beyondlabels, also go with Natkat's take.

Gosh, how tough to ever be/become "perfect"... not even models will be.
Axelle

[Adabelle]

I am definitely afraid of surgery. But maybe for slightly different reasons. For me its fear of complications during or after surgery. For the loss of feeling or for an infection in the hospital or a fistua or whatever.
Transition has been complex and,  messy for me. On one hand I feel better than I ever have, and on the other I also hate these meds (mainly the t blocker) I have to take. On one hand I am afraid of surgery on the other I am afraid of taking these drugs for the rest of my life.

Then there's the personal aspect too. While I don't think I would miss my penis I dont either hate it so to speak. At a young age I did for a while but it made me think too dark of thoughts so I learned to tolerate it. But its always been a nuiscense.

So its all messy for me. There are aspects to every path I might take that scare me. So I just take one step at a time. In my heart I kinda know I will get surgery one day though.it will just take me time to become a little more comfortable with it.

Certainly your fears are not unique. You are in good company. :-)

[Anatta]

Well, in my case I better be fine with my shoulders - because I can not even CHANGE them! There is no surgery for THAT.

Gosh, how tough to ever be/become "perfect"... not even models will be.
Axelle

Kia Ora Axelle,

The same friend was VERY concerned about the length of her arms and other body parts, I kept telling her not to worry-in times she won't feel so self conscious... As she gradually grew more comfortable with her transition she stopped being so self conscious ...

"Perfection is just another word/term for  Contentment ! "

Metta Zenda

[beyondlabels]

Thank you for your responses and advises. I feel better.

there are ftm who dosent make top surgery, however most want it..
it dosent make you "not FTM enough" its just a choice you deside whatever you wanna chance your body or not and how much.

I know, but I think I would feel strange with that androgynous appearance. Anyway, with time I am becoming more sure that I want the top surgery.  I went through a stage that I thought i was genderqueer and it also felt odd to think of me taking hormones, because although I haven't ever liked to be a woman I wasn't used to think of me as a man, only dreamed of it in a secret way, as a chicken wishing she could fly, feeling I could never be in reality. I don't know if it sounds poetic or corny, but for me it's a good metaphor.

Then there's the personal aspect too. While I don't think I would miss my penis I dont either hate it so to speak. At a young age I did for a while but it made me think too dark of thoughts so I learned to tolerate it. But its always been a nuiscense.

If I could have a penis as functional, sensitive, and average sized as any other cismale, I don't think i would miss my vagina, but I don't hate it. So, it's the same for me. The idea of having a bigger clitoris that i could feel it erect with T it's very appealing for me, so I don't think I will want the bottom surgery.
As a young age it was my breasts what I hated. I hurt my back to hide them, I hated to wear bras and all of that. But with time I started to think. "ok this is my body and it's a waste of time to be ashamed" so I started to walk with my chest up and my back problems dissapeared. I still felt awkward whem my boyfriend touched them, but with time i noticed they were a source of arousal and I learn to enjoy them in sex. I think that's the source of my confussion. But if i am true to my memories, I had to make a strong effort to tolerate them and now that I am thinking I could really have a male chest I am getting used to the idea much faster. I have never looked at a woman's breasts thinking I wanted to look like them, but I envy male chest all the time.
I feel I need time to settle down all my feelings and thoughts though, before doing any HRT of surgery. My social life won't be asy either. My boyfriend would leave me and I very much doubt I could keep my job.

[Mahsa Tezani]

I don't want anything sharp near my penis. Even though it's useless due to hormones... I still feel a connection with it and it doesn't bother me.

There are too many complications with the surgery, it's too expensive, and I don't see myself dialating everyday. I can't even keep my a-- muscles open for bottoming without relaxer.

[AbraCadabra]

* My new years resolution is to be less bitchy, less sarcastic, and behave more like the heterosexual female I am. *

Such good girl, something told me... :-)

Now, wanting nothing sharp close to your penis... I think is one fair notion, no question.

If asked, the ONLY reason to move past this fear is one's level of GID.
Mine was bad and VERY regular, nasty as in 'GID-attacks' (freak-outs!!).

It all stopped COMPLETELY post-op, all I can report back.
I didn't know before it would necessarily - as we all different, yes?

So, if GID is bad enough it will trump fear of SRS, and did so in my case.

BTW, it also did (fear of scalpels) when I decided to have my by-pass op - needed to HAVE SRS ... how's that for lucky, eish!

So, ->-bleeped-<-e happens, if you healthy and do not need it, - NEVER even bother to go this way (SRS).
Yet, since we are into tucking our beauty and twins away (pre-op), please lets maybe just keep it there, tucked - my take :-)

BTW, it was an instant realization coming-to after SRS:
"THIS FOR SURE IS *NOT* FOR EVERYONE!"

It does not mean however, I'm into the equivalent of sporting cod-pieces in the MtF section(s) – it's... well... sort of gross, and more so post-op. Don't ask me why, it just is, hum.

There you go,
Axelle