I'm Scared?

[Cody Jensen]

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of coming out, physically transitioning, I don't even know if I am trans, but I keep having transgendered feelings like hating my body and such, but I'm so confused. I don't want to give up my female dreams (as I mentioned in my last post). I will be lost without them, I don't know how to find another way. I'm terrified my best friend will stop talking to me (likely, as I found out she is homophobiac). I don't know what I want anymore. I was happy with my female dreams and female body, but since a year ago this came up, and now I don't know what to do!! I get really bad panic attacks, and suicide thoughts. I don't know what to do, if I can't even take the first simple step of going to a therapist.

[Ellie Ryan]

Josh~~
I think the most significant part of your post is where you say you're not even sure if you're trans or not. When my wife (MtF TG) started therapy, I was gobsmacked to find out about all the other conditions that sometimes can cause transgender-like thinking without having ->-bleeped-<- as the actual cause! Going to a competent gender-therapist is definitely a good start. He or she will be able to help you safely explore your emotions and discover what is causing these thoughts.

As my own brand of reassurance to you, I'd like to remind you that gender is not necessarily an either/or option. I, myself, am bi-gendered, though genetically female. While I would LOVE for medical science to figure out a way to grow me some man bits to add on down below without having me give up what I've already got, I know that's not real likely in my lifetime. So, I help myself stay sane by giving my male side some air time. (For example, tomorrow there's a football game he wants to watch, so I'm making space for that and a beer. ) I'm also a writer, and in the trilogy I'm penning, I have a character who is FtM transgendered, but he elects to not do any physical transformation due to his successful career as an actress. In both my case and my character's, gender is a sort of grey muddle, but we both find ways to make ourselves happy where we are.

As with all other areas of life, there is no one path to take, just a whole bunch of options and trying things out to find the best path to happiness.

Best to you on your journey!

~~E

[JenJen2011]

Therapy my friend, therapy.

[Ayden]

Take a breath. It's not a race, don't push yourself into something. Talk to a therapist or someone close to you. And really, don't worry about coming out to anyone right now,  it causes lots of extra stress.

[Cody Jensen]

Thanks everyone, but like I said just even going to a therapist is difficult for me. I do fantasize having a male chest, hair, voice drop, face, and even wish for my downstairs I could go to the bathroom like a bio male could. These fantasies don't stop. I hate wearing female clothing, I hate everything about it. But then, I think what will happen If I were to transition. I would be even more lost than I am now. I want to yet I don't want to. I apologize if I sound like a broken record.

[mowdan6]

Hey Josh.  As others have said, find yourself a good therapist and talk things through.  Transitioning is not something to be taken lightly.  Even though I have fully transitioned, I will tell you, it's the hardest thing I have ever done.  And I still have times when I have to deal with the ramifications. 
Find a good therapist.  That is the best thing you can do for yourself.  A good gender therapist will help you to know if this is the right path for you. 
And, listen to your heart....you know who you are.  And that is great. 

[Kaylie]

I very much know the feeling, I have had these feelings for a long time and I've always just tried to suppress/ignore them in hopes that they would go away but they never do. I used to think that it was just easier to just be a boy since I was born that way and its easier when out in the world to present that way, but lately it has just been causing me more and more pain and even though the thought of transition scares me I feel like it might definitely be something to consider doing. Like the others already said therapy is very important, just the fact that I'm finally confronting these issues about my identity in a productive way makes me feel so much better. So try and hang in there! It does take a lot of courage to take the first steps, and you know we will always be here to support you through it 

[espo]

Hm. I'm sure many other people have said this in various forms, but the first thing I'll say is to just...take a step back and breathe. Honestly. When I first began coming out (this was as a lesbian first), that was the absolute 100% best advice I was given. I realize trans isn't the same, but this advice carried me through my second coming out as well.

I started this whole process five years ago as a terrified, shattered, and completely uncertain person. I spoke with someone who is now a close friend, who had been "out" for years, and she said to me that I needed to stop. Stop thinking about coming out. Stop thinking about whether or not I was really a lesbian. Stay in the present. A solid identity and the courage to show it and stand up for it are really secondary.

We live in a crazy world where we're expected to know it all now, be the same person forever, have a static identity and sense of self, and if we don't, we are "weak." It's a lie. Do what you want. Dress as you want. Look at who you want. Think about whoever you want. Love who you want. Stop letting these thoughts and fears drown out your heart. The answers are inside you.

If you can take that in, truly believe it, and truly let it happen, things will fall into place. I promise.

Wow, pretty amazing advice.

[Felix]

You sound panicky in these posts. I'm not going to say calm down (I can get pretty twitchy myself), but I will remind you that you don't have to decide right away. And you don't have to hate the parts of you that are in conflict with one another. It's okay to have both masculine and feminine urges, and it's safe to consider them. Thinking about and playing with gender concepts is not going to lock you into being a man or a woman. It's okay. You'll be okay.

[Cody Jensen]

I very much know the feeling, I have had these feelings for a long time and I've always just tried to suppress/ignore them in hopes that they would go away but they never do. I used to think that it was just easier to just be a boy since I was born that way and its easier when out in the world to present that way, but lately it has just been causing me more and more pain and even though the thought of transition scares me I feel like it might definitely be something to consider doing. Like the others already said therapy is very important, just the fact that I'm finally confronting these issues about my identity in a productive way makes me feel so much better. So try and hang in there! It does take a lot of courage to take the first steps, and you know we will always be here to support you through it 

It's official, NOTHING feels right about being a girl anymore. I hate myself. No one understands me at home. My dad's always telling me "wear nicer clothes!" I felt like crap tonight because I was just wearing a hoodie and jeans.

And times when I have female interests really gets to me because I just hate my female self I don't want anything to do with being female and it breaks my heart!!  

At Felix: That's probably because I AM panicky. I've been losing sleep over this. It's making me really upset. Along with trying to choose which career path to go into (which will determine my entire future along with this). I'm really losing it.

[Felix]

Are your parents approachable about stuff like this? Your dad might not get onto you about wearing "nice clothes" if you explained to him why you don't. Or maybe he'd take it really badly. Depends on their mindset about a lot of things.

If therapy is too big a step to take, maybe you could find a gathering of trans people, or even glbt people in general, and see how other people live with gender differences? They tend to be pretty welcoming of people who are just questioning. For me, meeting other trans folk was really helpful when I was nervous about transitioning. Nobody pushed me in any particular direction, and it was calming to see how there's no right way to deal with this.

[Cody Jensen]

Are your parents approachable about stuff like this? Your dad might not get onto you about wearing "nice clothes" if you explained to him why you don't. Or maybe he'd take it really badly. Depends on their mindset about a lot of things.

If therapy is too big a step to take, maybe you could find a gathering of trans people, or even glbt people in general, and see how other people live with gender differences? They tend to be pretty welcoming of people who are just questioning. For me, meeting other trans folk was really helpful when I was nervous about transitioning. Nobody pushed me in any particular direction, and it was calming to see how there's no right way to deal with this.

To be honest I don't think my dad is approachable about this at all.
I like the idea of LGBT groups. I'll try to find some around my area. Thx.

PS Everyone, I changed my name from Josh T to... well what it is now

[Sweet Blue Girl]

Hi Cody.
I am a newbie here so I don't have good advices, altough I really passed tough times...
I just want to give you an Hug

Keep fighting, and you'll be whom you feel to be,  and it will be wonderfull.
Kisses

[Plague]

Dear: Josh T,
I hear the cry for help (loud and clear) I have  hid my true self for 45 years.
Felix, had great advise I think you should take a second and meditate on it please. Being scared is my middle name although I am huge person (not fat  ) built, buff; as one scared cat to another do not quit NEVER SURRENDER!!!!! = no suicide; not an option!
Looking for the peace of mind is a journey down life's road. it takes courage to put one step in front of the other
(it is not easy sometimes I well know.) Now positive time, you took the first right step by joining the community.
the next right step you took is opening up to the forum GOOD JOB. Now keep your eyes forward and don't look back the next step could good ones or bad but keep making forward progress listen to your hart live, love, and grow old. I hope this helps a little?
I love ya ...............be happy or find it .............Peace out. 

[Cody Jensen]

Thanks again so much for everyone's support, it means so much to me.

[Felix]

Keep us posted.

[lindsey26]

Have a suggestion I hope might help. If you live inside the USA than you might look up PFLAG. This support group generally is gay-lesbian support group but they also do bisexual and transgender support. I currently go to a group only a few miles from where I live. I have found this group very willing to support and give as much help as possible. Think there is at least 1 pflag group in every state and some states have several. Just my opinion but it might help! Good Luck!!!

[Cindy]

Cody,

Take your time. Forgive me, I am not being condescending.  But you are young and your body and brain are still developing. Sexual preferences in young people change a lot, there is nothing odd, strange or unusual in that. If you have doubts that is normal. Totally. You may well find that you wish to be a woman, you may find you want to be a heterosexual woman with a family etc. You may find that is not for you. You may desire to be a feamle with a female partner, nothing wrong with that. You may desire to explore your TS?TG feelings as you are, nothing wrong with that. You may decide you are a male and want to transition, nothing wrong with that.

All of those feelings, thoughts and beliefs can be very overwhelming. I'm probably older than either of your parents and I have worked with young people in an educational sense for my adult life. I love working with younger people and being part of there development. But the young do not always see, they think they do. But to be honest experience is the biggest life teacher, and that comes with age. Sadly.

So take your time, there are no rules and no boundaries. No one, No one, No one has any influence to change your opinion. What you want to do in life is the rule.

Hugs

Cindy

[Cody Jensen]

Have a suggestion I hope might help. If you live inside the USA than you might look up PFLAG. This support group generally is gay-lesbian support group but they also do bisexual and transgender support. I currently go to a group only a few miles from where I live. I have found this group very willing to support and give as much help as possible. Think there is at least 1 pflag group in every state and some states have several. Just my opinion but it might help! Good Luck!!!

D: Unfortunately I am not in the USA

Cindy: I guess you are right. Only time will tell. Though for some reason I had it in my head that if I were to transition I'd be a young guy under 25. I want to transition but I don't want to, you know? This is totally off topic but I'm much more into girls than I am into guys. I always thought I want to be a guy if I'm going to be with a girl, but now I don't know anymore. It's not just because of that, like I said I have days where I really get depressed about my female body. I don't want to regret this but then sometimes I would transition in a heartbeat. I'm just scared that time will make things worse, not better.

[Ellie Ryan]

Cody~~
Time is actually on your side for transitioning going from a female body to a male one. Your female hormones aren't going to do much more "damage" to your chances of a successful transition to a male form. It's the people who were born male and transition to female who have a ticking clock to worry about. Testosterone is VERY powerful stuff, and it does so much to the voice, to the patterns of hair dispersal, and other such things. For MtFs, it is far better to transition as young as possible to stand the best chance of developing a passable female form. For FtMs, you have all the time in the world. Look at Chaz Bono. He's in his middle years, and honestly, if I didn't know, I wouldn't know.

As I said above, your confusion and feelings of gender dysmorphia may or may not be due to a transgendered state. There's so much more it could be. You really need a therapist to help you sort all this out and get medication for other conditions if it's NOT ->-bleeped-<-.

Take care, young soul.

~~E