Dating... rejection...

[lonely girl]

So far I had 3-4 potential boyfriends... all of them couldn't accept me after telling them right away, before dating, that I was born a boy, and still have a penis .... I met my first actual BF that I dated was 3 weeks ago, we dated for 2 weeks, he was the nicest guy ever, he seemed to be really serious about our relationship... And my feelings grew for him, things went really fast, I knew I had to tell him before we get intimate... So last Sunday, after dinner with him and him driving me home, before dropping me off, he wanted to hug and kiss me, I held back..
I finally told him... I didn't tell him directly tho. I went into it first mentioning how sad my childhood was and how I was bullied and stuff, then I told him I have a disease.. that caused my unability to conceive a child. He responded immidiately saying that I shouldnt blame myself, and we could adopt kids if we really wanted to... then he asked about the disease, I took me some deep breaths.. and a few drop of tears... I finally told him I was born a boy.
He was puzzled, and was silent for few minutes, then he finally asked how this all happened, I told him everything. He said that he needs some time alone to think. Next day I got his message.. "I'm sorry, I can't accept the fact that you are biologically male. You are a really nice girl, I hope you can find someone that can accept you one day. We still can be friends, call me if you need my help.".. I skipped classes and cried on my bed for a long time.. It really sucks how he can accept a infertile girl.. but not a TS
IDK I really lost hope in dating... I just want to know some of you girl's experiences on dating, wether being rejected or accepted, and how long did that take you? and wether guys are more ok with you being post-op?

[drvotion86]

To avoid getting too invested i tell them right away. It does hurt getting rejected. My current b4 i posted on f4m craigslist. Its not the best way but it works sometimes. We are very serious and are planning on marriage? But some guys who are very comfortable with who they are will accept you. I met this guy i eventually told him after talking for an hr. He said i would give you a chance. For him if i didnt sound feel or look like a girl he wouldnt. We ended up making out after meeting the next time and he actually touched me there. In his words it will take getting used to but hes ok with it. It does take time to meet the right one. But im not sure when you tell a guy but for me its right away. dating and being trans sucks and you will have alot of heartache unfortunately....

[Lily]

Since October I've been rejected by about 15 girls, and I'm starting to get used to it. The repetition and predictability is making me numb to it.

I hate dating, and I hate meeting people once that I'll never meet again. Dating is the worst and most alien feeling to me, worse even than the feeling of being a man. My one wish is to be married to someone who would also be my best friend for life, and who would never ever leave me.

[lonely girl]

To avoid getting too invested i tell them right away. It does hurt getting rejected. My current b4 i posted on f4m craigslist. Its not the best way but it works sometimes. We are very serious and are planning on marriage? But some guys who are very comfortable with who they are will accept you. I met this guy i eventually told him after talking for an hr. He said i would give you a chance. For him if i didnt sound feel or look like a girl he wouldnt. We ended up making out after meeting the next time and he actually touched me there. In his words it will take getting used to but hes ok with it. It does take time to meet the right one. But im not sure when you tell a guy but for me its right away. dating and being trans sucks and you will have alot of heartache unfortunately....

Thanks for your advice ^^ I never knew theres a dating section on craigslist, I'm not a fan of online dating tho.. I think theres too much risk, and I'm not really desperate for it. Good luck to you and your BF ^^

[lonely girl]

Since October I've been rejected by about 15 girls, and I'm starting to get used to it. The repetition and predictability is making me numb to it.

I hate dating, and I hate meeting people once that I'll never meet again. Dating is the worst and most alien feeling to me, worse even than the feeling of being a man. My one wish is to be married to someone who would also be my best friend for life, and who would never ever leave me.

I think its even harder to find a GF, cuz firstly she has to be lesbian/bi, and secondly she has to accept you being trans. To me tho... being a man is worse than dating, I'm not really desperate for a BF but it just hurts when I think that many relationships could have happen if I had a vagina

[Joeyboo~ :3]

but it just hurts when I think that many relationships could have happen if I had a vagina

I don't know whether to applaud this or boo it.

It sucks thinking that way.
But it's true.

[pretty]

Since October I've been rejected by about 15 girls

I think you are not being selective enough.

[Forever21Chic]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?! Seriously why would you want to admit being trans to a guy? =/

   I think not telling him is a good way to test a guy and see if he's just interested in sex or if he really likes you, make him work for it.   


   If you're not planning on getting SRS in the near future then i could understand telling him, but other then that nah he doesn't need to know my past.

   

[Rabbit]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?!

The thing is, there is NO man who agrees with you on this....

If you want to blindly ignore that this is a huge issue for a lot of people... then you are creating a very dangerous sittuation for yourself....

[Jaime]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?! Seriously why would you want to admit being trans to a guy? =/

   I think not telling him is a good way to test a guy and see if he's just interested in sex or if he really likes you, make him work for it.   


   If you're not planning on getting SRS in the near future then i could understand telling him, but other then that nah he doesn't need to know my past.

I think its a big mistake not to be upfront about it before accepting a date and especially before any physical contact. Even the most seemingly laid back guy can go ballistic if someone makes them question their own view of their sexual orientation in any way.

Not to mention, why would you want to date or be with someone that you can't be open about your past with?  Better to lose them early than deal with the fallout later.


Me? I don't date currently, haven't for a long time. I'd rather be alone than deal with it all right now, especially living where I do.  Not  to mention, there are some who are going out of their way to make sure people know that I'm just a "thing" or a dude.  Its amazing how people that have crappy lives go out of their way to try and make other people's lives just as crappy as theirs, sad really, but a reality and working with the public makes me a little easier target for some of them.

[JenJen2011]

The thing is, there is NO man who agrees with you on this....

If you want to blindly ignore that this is a huge issue for a lot of people... then you are creating a very dangerous sittuation for yourself....

+1

To the OP, maybe you're telling them too soon? You're probably not giving the guy enough time to REALLY get to know you. In any case, you will come across the right guy some day. I was in your shoes. And now I've been with my partner for 5 years. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

[mixie]

The thing is, there is NO man who agrees with you on this....

If you want to blindly ignore that this is a huge issue for a lot of people... then you are creating a very dangerous sittuation for yourself....

This is really really true.

Also to the OP  I think the way you are presenting it is very confusing and manipulative.  I say that with a big hug hug hug and I don't think you mean to do it that way.


If you tell someone that you were born with a disease and that you can't have children that really makes the other person feel bad for you and takes them into thinking "How sad, this poor girl can't have kids"  it's almost creating an idea that you are ultra female and then so sad because you can't have children.

Then you turn it and say you were born biologically a male and it's basically a mind bomb to the other person.   Almost like a bait and switch.   I do think you should be careful  or you could get physically hurt.


The other thing is to maybe consider how you feel about your sexual organs.   Some guys might assume you want to use your penis in sex.  Some people do want to and some don't.

I'd try to talk to more MtF to find a better way of coming across with this.  IMO it would be better to straight away tell the guy you were born a male but are transitioning to female.   

Good luck!

[stldrmgrl]

   Lol am i the only girl that thinks the guy doesn't need to know this?!?! Seriously why would you want to admit being trans to a guy? =/

   I think not telling him is a good way to test a guy and see if he's just interested in sex or if he really likes you, make him work for it.   


   If you're not planning on getting SRS in the near future then i could understand telling him, but other then that nah he doesn't need to know my past.

Even post-SRS, there is a risk of the guy finding out the truth.  In fact, I'm almost certain at some point in the relationship, the truth will come out...and I don't necessarily mean from word of your mouth.  Despite my complete understanding of your point of view, because I've often told myself when my transition is complete that I'll live stealth, it just simply doesn't always work.  Nonetheless, I respect your point of view.  If it works for you, that's awesome.

[ZeldaHeart]

Your story is so sad, lonelygirl.  Telling him you can't conceive sounds nice on paper; it must have been hard for him to hear the part about you being born a boy, though.  Isn't it hard to tell a guy?  I can only imagine.

Guys come up and hit on me often and I could never imagine telling one of these guys that I was born a boy.  Though, after getting really close to someone, then you sort of have to tell them, right?  Or just completely withhold from sex and intimacy, which most guys would hate (there are a lot of girls out there who would put out at the drop of a hat, right?).  Rukio, I agree with you sort of.  I would NOT tell a guy, but I'm 100% sure the guy would want to know.  Ahhh!  It's such a confusing situation.

[Forever21Chic]

Rukia, I agree with you sort of.  I would NOT tell a guy, but I'm 100% sure the guy would want to know.  Ahhh!  It's such a confusing situation.

  Well what he doesn't know won't hurt him i mean it's not like you're cheating on the poor guy or anything like that. 

  The point of me transitioning was to forget my past and start a new life...why would i want to reveal something that contradicts that?

  Idk i just think it's a bad idea but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

[Lynn]

  Well what he doesn't know won't hurt him i mean it's not like you're cheating on the poor guy or anything like that. 

  The point of me transitioning was to forget my past and start a new life...why would i want to reveal something that contradicts that?

  Idk i just think it's a bad idea but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I think the problem with not telling is that it IS going to become known at some point, there's just no way around that. Even if you do everything perfect yourself, family or old friends may slip up or something like that.
And when that happens, you'll have to deal with not only him trying to process the whole situation, but he will also believe that you lied to him about pretty much your entire youth and whatnot.

I think it really depends on the situation and the people involved when you should tell, but you do have to tell at some point, else you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

[Forever21Chic]

I think the problem with not telling is that it IS going to become known at some point, there's just no way around that. Even if you do everything perfect yourself, family or old friends may slip up or something like that.
And when that happens, you'll have to deal with not only him trying to process the whole situation, but he will also believe that you lied to him about pretty much your entire youth and whatnot.

I think it really depends on the situation and the people involved when you should tell, but you do have to tell at some point, else you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

  I have to disagree Lynn, by going stealth you avoid all of this. Many trans women have done this, it's alot of work changing all your documents and getting rid of anything that links you to your past, leaving all your family and friends behind etc etc. There is always a chance someone will found out but it's certainly not impossible.

  To the OP, if you're really set on telling guys you date that you're trans then i think your best bet for not being rejected is to wait until you have had genital surgery. Most guys only care about sex soooo if you tell him you're trans but have already had surgery that might lessen the blow with him thinking "well at least we can have sex" it's sad but true. 

[Jen61]

i am so touch by your story, I wish I could  hold you kiss you and hug you, and better yet,  find you a boy to love you, Hang in there girl ! You are bountiful, you will find somebody

Jen61

[The Passage]

You should try to get to know the person for at least a little while, just to get information *about* them. You need to find out if they're okay with YOU and who you are first, before anything else.

Or not. But then you face more of a chance to be rejected, and being rejected hurts.

[Byron]

It's very sad for me to read a post like this because I believe there are a lot of men out there (myself included!) who are open to the idea of relationships with trans women.  There are several dating websites, some good and some bad, that cater to this segment; I really think you might be pleasantly surprised if you try one of them.  Why not post an ad and see what type of responses you get?  Online dating does have an element of risk, but I don't think it's any more so than traditional dating if you take the proper precautions.  At least on a site that is aimed towards trans dating, you know that a guy is interested in you in spite of being trans, and you don't have to deal with all of the pressures of talking about your past.

If you're truly set on traditional dating, my recommendation is to be honest from the very beginning.  True you will probably be hurt many times, but at least you won't become so attached to someone that rejection is that much worse.  Sooner or later you will meet someone who is accepting.