Life and death decisions

[Tamaki]

A few weeks ago I posted about how my doctor took me off estradiol because I was having migraines with auras.  Two of my doctors are very concerned about me having a stroke. Between this and having to cut way back on electrolysis it feels like me transition is nearly coming to a halt. Some signs that the testosterone is exerting an effect again are present which is freaking me out.

I've been doing a lot a research on hrt, migraines with auras and stroke risk and the relevant research isn't plentiful or terribly conclusive. I've been finding myself more and more depressed, confused and desperate. I've been seriously considering starting back on a smaller dose of estradiol against my doctors orders.

Last night I came to the realization that I'm considering life or death decisions. Taking estradiol could mean a stroke but not doing anything increases my chance of suicide. These are choices I really didn't think I'd have to consider when I started to transition.

I'm not going to run blindly into a choice, I'm asking several doctors for input and I'm seeing a neurologist in three weeks.  It just feels crappy having to make these kinds of choices when all I'm trying to do is genuinely be myself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Constance]

Wow, Tamaki, I cannot imagine trying to deal with what you're going through.

It's good to know that you aren't rushing into any decision. I fervently hope that everything works out for you.

[stldrmgrl]

A few weeks ago I posted about how my doctor took me off estradiol because I was having migraines with auras.  Two of my doctors are very concerned about me having a stroke. Between this and having to cut way back on electrolysis it feels like me transition is nearly coming to a halt. Some signs that the testosterone is exerting an effect again are present which is freaking me out.

I've been doing a lot a research on hrt, migraines with auras and stroke risk and the relevant research isn't plentiful or terribly conclusive. I've been finding myself more and more depressed, confused and desperate. I've been seriously considering starting back on a smaller dose of estradiol against my doctors orders.

Last night I came to the realization that I'm considering life or death decisions. Taking estradiol could mean a stroke but not doing anything increases my chance of suicide. These are choices I really didn't think I'd have to consider when I started to transition.

I'm not going to run blindly into a choice, I'm asking several doctors for input and I'm seeing a neurologist in three weeks.  It just feels crappy having to make these kinds of choices when all I'm trying to do is genuinely be myself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I understand completely, my doctor as well suspended my HRT due to health risks.  I can't suggest to continue taking estradiol against your doctor's wishes despite knowing the desire to want to.  I am not suicidal, so I cannot nor will not attempt to pretend like I know what it's like.  The best advice I can give, which I had to remind myself of, is that HRT is a great assistant in transitioning and becoming a woman, but it's not what makes or breaks us.  Before HRT, I was a woman and I dealt with life as best as I could, so this is no different...it's just a hiccup that will subside in time.  Stay true to who you are regardless of circumstances, and let things work themselves out.  I know it's easier said than done, but I'm living with that same realization.  Hang in there.  Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk with.

[Tamaki]

Thank you both so much. I know that I am still the same woman I was before hrt.  I was just really hoping for some more changes from the hormones.

The one thing I noticed suddenly stopping estradiol suddenly was all the subtle mental changes that help me feel more feminine. I honestly don't know if it was the estradiol or the fact that I knew I was on it that made the difference. I will miss that.

[stldrmgrl]

The one thing I noticed suddenly stopping estradiol suddenly was all the subtle mental changes that help me feel more feminine. I honestly don't know if it was the estradiol or the fact that I knew I was on it that made the difference. I will miss that.

Oh yes, I know the feeling and it is frustrating.  The thing that keeps me going the most is knowing that one way or another, I will resume HRT.  Another thing that keeps me going is focusing on other aspects of my transition.  You mentioned your electrolysis being cut back, I'm sorry to hear that.  I'm having major financial difficulties so I too am cutting back on many things.  Some things, however, don't cost money and still benefit the transition, and that is what I focus on.  I'm practicing make-up, I'm practicing my voice to ensure I don't lose it, I'm planning for the future, etc.  Most of all, and it's hard as all hell to do considering the testosterone coming back but, I try to act (it is so unfortunate to say that word) as I felt when I was on HRT.  I find myself getting lazier since being off hormones and not wanting to beautify myself as I did before, but I do it anyway.  It literally feels like a fight between your masculinity wanting to dominate and your femininity wanting to radiate...and it's exhausting, I know.  I hope I've helped you even a little bit.

[Tamaki]

I could not have said it better myself and that is great advice. Thanks.

Oh yes, I know the feeling and it is frustrating.  The thing that keeps me going the most is knowing that one way or another, I will resume HRT.  Another thing that keeps me going is focusing on other aspects of my transition.  You mentioned your electrolysis being cut back, I'm sorry to hear that.  I'm having major financial difficulties so I too am cutting back on many things.  Some things, however, don't cost money and still benefit the transition, and that is what I focus on.  I'm practicing make-up, I'm practicing my voice to ensure I don't lose it, I'm planning for the future, etc.  Most of all, and it's hard as all hell to do considering the testosterone coming back but, I try to act (it is so unfortunate to say that word) as I felt when I was on HRT.  I find myself getting lazier since being off hormones and not wanting to beautify myself as I did before, but I do it anyway.  It literally feels like a fight between your masculinity wanting to dominate and your femininity wanting to radiate...and it's exhausting, I know.  I hope I've helped you even a little bit.

[Constance]

The biggest emotional change I noticed after starting HRT was that I could cry more easily. But also, that started to an extent after simply coming out and completing what I call my Identity Transition, where I stopped thinking of myself as David and began thinking of myself as Connie. That was before I started HRT.

It can be hard to hear the You Know Who You Are thing when transition is on hold. But this is hopefully only a temporary set back. Hang in there.