Issues with loved ones.

[Lilly19]

i need help, as this is just tearing me apart.

First off, you should know my girlfreind is quite the selfish bitch, the cliched kind who would max a credit card if she could, i just know it. but i love her to death anyway, ive been being a bit more of a hardass with her, and shes been amking an honest effort to change. but when i admited that i have serious thoughts of gender correction, she.. fliped out. to say the least, were still together, and full of love, if you saw us im sure you would feel from melting at how lovey we are, but its like pulling teeth when i try to talk to her about it.

the other day we finaly didi a little, and trying to calm her i mentioned that im hoping crossdressing and passing will be enouge to make me feel normal, and she said that if i had to go more then that, be prepaired to loose me. she flat out told me she wouldint be with me.

and that, was the shot through the heart, i love her. i really do i want nothing more to be with her the rest of my life, i can deal with everything else, but... that kills me, it tears me apart inside. i cant imiagine life without her, but i cant stand being so hidously male! its disgusting! ive put everything on hold for this! i finaly got myself a job after sitting on it for years because ive een scared of change, but i need this! NEED IT! and it terrifys me that it might, and probaly will make me loose her... what do i do...

[Cindy]

Hi Lilly,

Sadly you will lose her. I think you need to re read your post because there is a lot of information in it about your relationship, your emotions and yourself.

None of this is meant rudely.

Your girlfriend is the dominant one in the relationship, she knows it and enjoys it. She is dominant sexually, emotionally and financially. She can do whatever she likes and you will run after her. She is used to that and she is happy with it.

Your post is interesting for how much you care and how little she does. You post like many abused females post. 'If I love her enough she will accept me' No way. She has told you that in plain English. Having raised the subject and been rejected you are in a very difficult position. She now knows what you need and she has rejected it categorically. Have you both discussed what you want from the relationship?

I could go one but that will be unfair.

You need to talk to a gender therapist ASAP, if you enjoy being male and cross dressing, fine go for it. If you want to rectify your physical gender markers fine do it. If you want to live as a sub to a dom, fine do it.

If you want to be you. You have to take the path to be you. At the moment you are a slave to your emotions. I do not think that is sustainable.

I am going to put this in rude and harsh language.

Now she knows you like to identify as female, at least in clothing, how does she treat you?  Her sissy boyfriend? Her equal partner? Her wage ticket? Her sister who she wants to help? A genderqueer to be milked?

Who is the dominant in making love? It is not relevant in many relationships but are you 'allowed' to make love when she wants it, or is it a loving communal feeling of wanting each other, sometimes a cuddle, sometimes long drawn out times, others quick and daring. Etc (I need a cold shower now).

You say you love her, is there evidence she loves you?

I will suggest you do not love her. You are infatuated with her. There is a big difference.

Sorry

Cindy

[Lynn]

Lilly! I haven't seen you online in a while (I'm guessing I always miss you).

I'd have to agree with everything Cindy said though. It's probably not what you wanted to hear (or read, I suppose), but it is the truth. It's important that you first figure out for yourself what your true feelings are, about everything. Weigh every possibility and figure out what you want to do with your life from there.

Compromise is fine, but if it will destroy you, it can't really be called compromise.

EDIT: Actually, since I haven't talked to you on MSN in a while, I may as well throw my situation on here as an example. Remember me telling you that I was having similar problems with my SO? Well we decided that it would be best to break up. Yes, we loved each other dearly, and we still do. But at the end of the day we just knew it wasn't going to work, and we had to let each other go. It was an extremely hard decision to make, but I do believe it was the right one, for my situation.

That's how I dealt with it, I don't know if that helps you or not.

[Lilly19]

hermmm............. this sucks. lol plain and simple..... i was in a rush and not thinking and i ->-bleeped-<-ed up just a bit failing to mention it is very much a long distance realationship, i supose thats the reason i was in such a huff. as my primary drive, well secondary since i found out i could be me, was saving to visit her. and please, dont give me its not love thing, ive been infatuated before, and ive been in love before to. i know my own feelings thankyou ^^


but in the end i still belive you are right, it does seem like its bound to fail... im gonna give it a chance though given distance, as even if it does. i dont think it would have been a waste of time ya know? life expirances are the greatest treasures we have, both good and bad. but... its not a nice thought thinking of breaking up with her... but in the end im still 19 and i still have my entire life ahead of me. ^^ ... still sucks. and lynn, im sorry to hear that. but i understand oh to fully being in the same situation now.

[Lynn]

hermmm............. this sucks. lol plain and simple..... i was in a rush and not thinking and i ->-bleeped-<-ed up just a bit failing to mention it is very much a long distance realationship, i supose thats the reason i was in such a huff. as my primary drive, well secondary since i found out i could be me, was saving to visit her. and please, dont give me its not love thing, ive been infatuated before, and ive been in love before to. i know my own feelings thankyou ^^


but in the end i still belive you are right, it does seem like its bound to fail... im gonna give it a chance though given distance, as even if it does. i dont think it would have been a waste of time ya know? life expirances are the greatest treasures we have, both good and bad. but... its not a nice thought thinking of breaking up with her... but in the end im still 19 and i still have my entire life ahead of me. ^^ ... still sucks. and lynn, im sorry to hear that. but i understand oh to fully being in the same situation now.

You're more in the same situation than you think, because for me it was long distance as well. I did visit her though, and we had been together for almost 2 years.

And you're right, only you can tell what your feelings are, but at the same time your post did make it seem more like infatuation, which is why I said that you should really think very carefully about your feelings. It's sometimes easy to confuse infatuation with love until that moment something bad comes up and makes you question your feelings. I know because I've been there before.

[Lilly19]

still scared outa my wits cause of her right now. im questioning it, so maybe your right. either way... ill have to wait. like i said ive only just gotten a job and ill only be able to see a therepist next month but.. gosh >.< idk what else to say... you know were im coming from dont you? i love her but... gar 

for now, i just belive it be best to concentraight on working, and saving money. but still... transitioning is a very high priority... i gotta figure it out >.< save for a trip round the world or state with tranistion costs...?

[El]

you are only 19 and even if you do love her, there is still a long time for you to find someone else to love who can accept you for who you are. Purely by the ultimatum she leveled your way she will do nothing but weigh you down. I mean seriously the first thing you said about her was that shes a selfish bitch, life is too short to be associated with people like that whether you are trans or not, kick her to the curb and find a decent human being to be in a relationship with!

[Sandy]

Lily:

First off, I am not a psychologist nor have any sort of formal training in therapy.  However as a recovering victim of an emotionally abusive relationship, what you have described sounds very close to that.  I only have what you have posted to go on, so I don't know all the issues involved.

That being said, take a look at some of these articles or google "Emotional Abuse".  You will find literally dozens of articles that discuss the topic.  One thing to take away from them is the similarity of symptoms to some of the things you have mentioned.  It does seem to strike a chord.  But you, yourself, need to make the decision on whether or not you are a victim.

Emotional abuse is not gender specific.  Women abuse men and men abuse women.

A victim is an active participant in the relationship.  Much like the co-dependent relationship, the victim allows themselves to be abused.  Once the victim refuses to be abused, the relationship dissolves.

Please read these articles closely.  Addressing your, possibly, abusive relationship may be the key for you to address your gender issues.  At least it was for me.  And yes, my relationship dissolved when I stopped allowing myself to be a victim.  It was not pretty or happy, but I saved my life, and now I am healing and much happier.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/spotting-the-signs-of-emotional-abuse.aspx
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
http://www.ehow.com/how_4808182_signs-of-emotional-abuse-relationship.html

-Sandy

[Lilly19]

thank you all for your advice, but maybe i did a crap job of explaining.

shes a selfish one yes, but not in the exubarant way you think of when someone says selfish bitch, shes very submissive like me, and says she never wants to be without me, and i wana belive her. but with what she said i know its not true, but she really really wants to mean it i know it, its kinna hard to explain. but in the end i think your right, it will be a painfull breakup but im gonna hold on till then, as i fully belive theres a high enouge probalitiy of her coming around to the real me before i start hrt. and if not, it will be fore the best, like you said im only 19. it will be painfull but im more then ready for the possability.

[Lynn]

Sounds like you came to a decision that works for you, which is awesome.

As people have said "you're 19 and have a lot of time to find someone else", that also means that even if she doesn't come around before you start HRT, I'd be surprised if suddenly 10 years have passed unless you decide not to transition after all and later regret that decision.

[AndromedaVox]

I would agree with most of what has been said. I know sometimes you are in a relationship and think "how could I live without them?". Trust me, being true to yourself is gonna make you much happier in the long run than trying to please someone who wants to change who you are. Never compromise your true self for another person. That isn't love.

I wish you all the best!

[Jayne]

You say your SO never wants to be without you, I know you probably don't want to hear this but considering the other points in your posts it's possible that the best you may get is to remain friends.

I'd been with my ex for about 8yrs when I decided that I couldn't go on with the lie any longer & I handled breaking up with her very badly, my head was messed up from constantly thinking that it would be best if I was dead & I took the cowards way out & broke up with her over the phone.

After a couple of weeks I went to see her & told her the reason i'd dumped her, I thought it was better to give her a while to get used to being single (she said she would rather have found out straight away, my bad).
I was going to tell a group of mutual friends the next day in the pub & she insisted on coming along in case any of them tried to beat the crap out of me, they didn't but she was still there to support me.

Over the next few months I was repeatedly dodging spitefull comments but now that she has gotten that out of her system we are really good friends.
My main regret about coming out is that it destroyed our relationship but what has developed now is possibly better than a relationship, without all of the baggage that comes with a relationship things are good between us (even if she still drives me crazy insisting that shes always right, lol).
She has even taken custody of my dog when I found I couldn't afford the flat i'd moved into & promised that as soon as I get a home that I can have him in she'll let me have him back (i know she'll stick to this promise because she believes that every dog picks the person they want to be with & my dog definately worships the ground I walk on)

I hope you manage to work things out in your relationship with your SO but if you seperate then you may find a new best friend or may you lose your SO forever. Whatever the outcome you need to be true to yourself or you can't be true to others & no relationship can endure if one of the people isn't happy with themselves.

I hope things work out & I wish you all the best

[Lilly19]

thank you guys oh so much... ^^ im literly about to cry at how nice and true you are.. im gonna fight for this, but not if it means hurting myself. im trying not to think its inevitable, but im readying myself for that possability... thank you guys. ^^ you are the best people to go through this with. thankyou.