First holiday with wife's family after coming out

[Jeneva]

So the first gathering with my wife's family is this Sunday (extended family Thanksgiving). I've been out to her parents and immediate family for a couple of months. It took them a couple of weeks before they started talking again.  I've been out to my wife for three years now so when they told her to leave me she refused. Now that they are talking again she wants us to the largish dinner on Sunday. They aren't going to invite certain relatives they know will preach the whole meal but I am still worried about my reception.  She has already told her mom that we arrive and leave as a unit and we WILL leave if they badger me. They are trying to be civil (although maybe not accepting), but it is still going to be a very awkward situation. Less than half of them will use feminine pronouns and even though my name is legally changed I expect to get my birth and a lot.

Any one have any tips or suggestions that worked for them, or they wished they used in hindsight. I am in my real life test but but my therapist has given an OK to dress however is most comfortable. I know I won't be wearing a cocktail dress, but am I better off with a tight sports bra or normal day to day wear. I'm leaning slacks and a turtleneck or sweater, but should I stay with older looser clothing.

[justmeinoz]

Slacks and a turtleneck is pretty androgynous, might be easier to slip under their radar.  How did you tend to dress pre-transition?  That might be an idea too.

[Adabelle]

Personally I would wear whatever makes you most confident. For me that means a jean skirt, black tights, a cute sweater or maybe a cowelneck long sleeve shirt or something. Maybe a cardigan. Cute shoes. Forms (still kinda waiting for things to come in).

Sure, it's WAY different than I looked as a guy, but it's me. So far I do the best when I'm dressed in a way that represents who I am. People I think kinda feed off the vibes I send out, and when I'm happy and confident and my authentic self they kinda can see that I'm happy and they try to adjust.

If I were to go too far in accommodating other people I think I'd lose some of myself and that might make things actually go over a little less well.

What's worked for me is just being me and not worrying about what others will think. If they can't handle it it's their problem. Then again, I'm not showing up to places in miniskirts, black fishnets, 5 inch heels, and a bikini top.

My advice is - just be you. Dress for yourself, the rest will follow and all will be as it should be.

[Cindy]

Do you know what sort of clothes the other women will wear? I'd match the style against that. You are a woman wear what your female relatives wear at such occasions.

And have fun

Hugs

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

Personally I would wear whatever makes you most confident.

So far I do the best when I'm dressed in a way that represents who I am. People I think kinda feed off the vibes I send out, and when I'm happy and confident and my authentic self they kinda can see that I'm happy and they try to adjust.
If I were to go too far in accommodating other people I think I'd lose some of myself and that might make things actually go over a little less well.

What's worked for me is just being me and not worrying about what others will think. If they can't handle it it's their problem. My advice is - just be you.

WOW Madelyn, What more can be said?    You are one fired up, "don't stand in my way", woman. GO for it.

I'm speechless !!

Be safe, well, happy, and enjoy Sunday.
Lotsa luv
Catherine

[Jeneva]

I guess I should have set the stage more. I actually telecommute so most days I'm a jeans and tee kind of girl. I do have a few nice skirts and dresses I wear on special occasions, but I'm not sure that will be "allowed" without comments.

Everyone else, well the older ones will have old lady dresses and most of the younger would be jeans/business casual slacks and a nice top.  I don't expect any of the younger ones since they were all raised with hellfire and brimstone.

My wife will toss a wrinkle into this in that she NEVER dresses up for these. In the 11 years we'd been married before I came out to her she wore a dress/skirt only a handful of times. Her closet is button ups for work and then Henley and flannel and tees (Bass Pro Shop was her favorite clothing store)  Nowadays we usually dress in a similar level of formality  Her mother is fairly sensitive to how she dresses so if I dress down too much to make them comfortable with me, then I'll be in trouble because I'm making her more butch (even though she has always dressed like that). If I dress up then I'll be making them severely uncomfortable and likely her mother will read my wife's dress level as meaning she is looking for someone new.

I'm comfortable with my gender identity and don't need ultra feminine dress to reinforce it in my mind.

Here is what I am thinking right now if someone wants to offer tweaks. I just got a new pair of brown leather (fake) boots that are sort of a dress/cowboy crossover). A nice pair of slacks or jeans. And a not ultra tight but definitely not baggy turtleneck with either a push up or normal bra. I wore something similar to my last therapy visit and both my therapist and my wife loved that outfit.  I also did a lot of shopping that day and passed fairly well I think and got a lot of smiles and nods from the other women. So I'll definitely feel confident in it.   My turquoise and silver goes well with that style too and wearing it helps me feel my late mothers love and blessing.

[mixie]

I'd wear the outfit that you liked at the therapist.

I know it's tough but as her family they probably thought they were doing the right thing by saying she should leave you.  As friendly an ally I am to transsexuals i would probably have told my daughter the same thing, simply because I don't really understand all of it yet.


So I would say that perhaps they thought they were supporting her more than trashing you.   I'd forgive them this time.   If they are stupid enough to attempt to bring up your body in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner then just hurl the yams and call it a night.  LOL

Have a great time!

[SarahLynn]

There has been lots of great advice in this thread.

Here is my $0.02:

**WARNING! I have not personally had to deal with this type of situation. Please collect your grain of salt before proceeding.**

Wear what you feel the most comfortable/confident (as stated in other posts) and what reflects the real you. Don't focus so much on trying to accommodate your family. Remember they need to accept you and not necessarily the other way around (in this particular case). Show them that you are serious about your course and do not falter. Any faltering on your part may be interpreted as doubt on their end. Be positive and enjoy the experience. You never know the whole encounter may surprise you.

Best of luck and warm wishes to you. 

[Jeneva]

Well I'm here. Everyone is using my old name and misgendering me consistently. I'm hiding in the den with our daughter playing on my phone while she uses our iPad. I'm trying to stall calm so I don't need to take any anxiety meds. Maybe when we eat it will be better.

[Jeneva]

Well dinner was worse. Her dad works at the VA part time as a cafeteria worker and sometimes he delivers to the mental health ward. So the main dinner conversation was derogatory jokes about mental health and how they were all faking it for a check. At least we didn't have the deragatory gay/queen jokes they usually do. 

[mixie]

Hang in there!   

[Cindy]

Hang in and insult back.

Bring out the inner bitch. It is your life not their's. How about is it married life so good in the USA that same sex couples are banned from it, but kim and what's his name can marry for 20mill for 70 days and then divorce.

You are a wonderful woman, with a wonderful wife. Be proud stand up and be the woman you are, you have nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed of.

Hugs

Cindy

[Keaira]

I wish I could help. I'm not invited to our big Family get-together. I told my Mother-in-law that I  and my family were not going to walk in to a hostile environment and that if my Brother-In-Law started anything I would leave. My Brother-In-Law used to be a friend now he hates my guts. Consequently, I'm not allowed to go. But I'm being the better person and still sending a 20lb turkey with my wife for the main course. So I am in essence, giving them the Bird. Because Bird is the word. heeheehee!

[Jeneva]

I wish I could help. I'm not invited to our big Family get-together. I told my Mother-in-law that I  and my family were not going to walk in to a hostile environment and that if my Brother-In-Law started anything I would leave. My Brother-In-Law used to be a friend now he hates my guts. Consequently, I'm not allowed to go. But I'm being the better person and still sending a 20lb turkey with my wife for the main course. So I am in essence, giving them the Bird. Because Bird is the word. heeheehee!

We actually went to DC at Thanksgiving last year and Disney for Christmas just so we didn't have to deal with family.

I'm sorry you are banned from attendance.  My wife did stand up for me in terms of both or neither.  She also told them we'd leave if it got nasty.  She just didn't consider misnaming to be nasty and I was afraid to push in front of them because they'd remind her constantly.